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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling with anger + social event tonight with OW and her BH.
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm three months out from DDay, R is going great and our IC and MC sessions are really helping, but right now I feel like I'm being hit upside the head with a wall of repressed anger.

I'm pissed at her. I know, I know, I'm supposed to direct my anger at my fWH, but this is my current reality. I'm furious that she calculatedly (admitted by her, directly to my face) pursued my husband, that she imagined a future with him, with my daughter, and that although she got none of it, she still basically got away without consequences. She left her BH but he's taken her back, she continues to work with my fWH (long story that has been discussed here and no, neither of them can leave) and it just irks me. She pursued a friendship with me to try and justify her actions, and that betrayal is pretty damn raw too.

And now I have to spend an evening at a social event with her, when today all I want to do is scream at her. I hopefully won't have to interact with her, but just being in the same space, all four of us, and pretending everything is fine... Ugh.

Grateful we have a MC session immediately before this event!!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she calculatedly (admitted by her, directly to my face) pursued my husband

As if the betrayal wasn't enough, this too

And now I have to spend an evening at a social event with her, when today all I want to do is scream at her. I hopefully won't have to interact with her, but just being in the same space, all four of us, and pretending everything is fine... Ugh.

Let your H know how you feel, maybe you can work out a plan to be extra supportive/attentive to each other while your there.

Although I'd never wish it upon anyone (even the OW)a vision of her getting hit by a semi might bring a smile to my face. Maybe you can have a backup thought to go to if your path does cross.

Part of me wishes for the opportunity, so I could expose the OW. Even though I've tried, my efforts to contact the OBS have been unsuccessful.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your struggles. I can imagine how difficult this would be.

Instead of focusing your anger on OW, try focusing your compassion towards her BH. This poor guy is still trying to make a go with his selfish WW. By learning to direct your anger away from the OW, it starts to take her power away from making you suffer. The OW is just not worth it. Try to enjoy the social event and remember the events of the past are not a part of your current reality. Having the OW see you enjoying yourself and being happy is, by far, the best form of revenge.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:25 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd hate to be in your shoes but the previous advice is good. I'm sure despite it all you're going to be uncomfortable and probably will trigger all night. I know I would.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I don't believe we "have to" do anything.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nest2007

I really like the advice from HardenmyHeart as well.

But as Rebreather stated, you don't have to do anything.

Tell your FWH that you would rather not go, and do something else...to to the movies..maybe to dinner...have a nice romantic time with him and build on your R.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nest)))

If you have to go you can always pay one of the waiters to dump cocktail sauce down her dress. Or 'accidentally' dump red wine over her head.

But in all seriousness, being there with your H, holding your head high and enjoying yourself is the best way to get over your anger. Good luck.

Sending you strength and peace.
Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 390 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to "prove" anything to the OW or pretend to be all happy, etc.

I feel being indifferent works. Being calm and collected. A rock. It shows that you're not a reactive person. That you're in charge of your own destiny.

Whether you believe this or not is not the point. Just keep thinking you are and you will become.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indifference drives them batty. By "them" I mean folks who are all "me, me, me!" selfish. Any attention, positive or negative is what they are looking for.

I also agree that you don't have to go. We assume that OPs will take that as an "I win!" but she might also be irked that you weren't there. Why do you have to go? Why does WH have to go? I'd like to see the look on her face when she shows up and there is no drama to be had - not from you, not from WH. Even if it is a work thing, play hooky. Play sick. Do something just the two of you.

she imagined a future with him, with my daughter

I'm usually one of the folks that gets exasperated by the incessant venting directed at OPs. Just my personal outlook. But if OP wanted my kid? Who calcuated a way to get MY BABY? Oh, the wrath. I can understand, for sure.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support guys. We ended up making an appearance to catch up with friends there, while completely avoiding OW and her BH.

On that front, I don't feel overly sorry for him since HE told her after he found out and she left him "if you play your cards right, you might just get to have another baby." I can only see that as him essentially giving his blessing to pursue my husband and become step mum to my daughter, maybe even have kids with my husband. Makes me sick to this day thinking about it. So grateful my fWH came to his senses so quickly and ended the A. But jarring to think of the knife edge on which my marriage was without my even knowing it.

As far as I'm concerned OW and her BH deserve each other for that level of crazy!

fWH and I had a nice dinner at home and enjoyed a relaxing, stress and drama free evening with our baby :-)


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and RockyMtn? OW not only wanted my daughter, she had pet names for her, regularly professing her love for her. Shudder!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH and I had a nice dinner at home and enjoyed a relaxing, stress and drama free evening with our baby :-)

I am so happy that you were able to enjoy some time together.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 12

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