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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question about kid birthdays
WakingFromADream
♂ Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So DS has a birthday coming up soon and the X is wanting to do a party together for some of his friends from school. It'll be at a place rather than at either of us are living. Now, to me it sort of makes sense as two parties for school friends seems silly. However, X has also added a little guilt trip in there in that "It wouldn't be fair to DS if both of us weren't there".

I'm inclined to say yes as I am actually know the other parents better and I would have fun except for having to be around X but, I do plan on calling her on the guilt trip.

Thoughts?


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know you are going to have to deal with your Ex on many issues. Why not try to put as much as you can aside for one day and got to your child's birthday party.

Spend time talking to the other parents, watch your son have a good time and give him a happy memory for his birthday. You don't have to deal with the EX any more than you have to and hopefully he will make the day about DS too.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most of us here end up doing separate birthday celebrations. You don't have to have identical parties or even the same guests, just do your own thing. Most of us can attest that our kids like having two celebrations.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waking--not sure how old your son is but right after my very ugly divorce our youngest daughter graduated from high school. We had big, wonderful graduation parties for her two older sisters in our home and of course, my baby wanted one of those as well.

I couldn't stand the thought of my ex stepping foot in our house and I, too, got a LOT of guilt trips from people who basically said I should just "get over it" and have the party at the house. I didn't want to rain on my daughter's graduation so instead of having it at my home, I had the party at my older daughter's apartment clubhouse.

It was a large space and I had tons of friends helping me and running interference so I didn't have to run in to her father. We had a huge turnout--everything was fantastic and if I do say so myself--I looked great.

There was no drama but everyone knew what a sacrifice it was for me to include his lying, cheating ass and be gracious while doing so. I came off looking like the picture of "definitely over it," grace and class while he
was--well, himself.

I'd do the joint birthday, have your posse around for a buffer, look like a million bucks, have a smile for everyone and let your fabulous self shine on!
Good Luck--let us know how it goes!

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 11:13 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2119 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm firmly in the "separate parties" group.
Divorce means that family celebrations of old no longer exist.

Like the previous poster, I will not have XWH set foot on my property, let alone in my home. As soon as XWH moved out, there was no longer combined anything (for the sake of the kids or not). I think combined parties and "family" holidays set up expectations on the kids' part that will become harder to correct the longer you keep things combined.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do agree with GabyBaby that boundaries have to be set because kids often associate joint parties and holidays with the fervent hope that their parents are getting back together. In my case the HS graduation was the very last joint anything that there was with my ex. It was the right thing to do then--and it wasn't totally selfless on my part because it was also a way to send a message--"hey asshole--I don't need you to do wonderful things for my kids."

Now that I have three adult daughters and will most probably be facing weddings in the near future, I am hoping that I can stockpile enough Xanax to get through that.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2119 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh....we do joint parties, but I tend to live on the high road. They are usually somewhere else, and I simply hang out with my friends, while he sits there alone. I will do "my family party" separate, he is not invited.

I tried to do the parties separate, and he pitched such a fit, it wasn't worth arguing over.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the parents should both agree on a neutral place and who does what planning - for the FRIENDS of the child - not family, and not parents friends - school friends... when they are old enough to warrant that.

Then - each parent celebrate during their time with the child - with their family traditions, friends, etc...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even before I got the protection order, my answer would have been a big no way.

I have ZERO desire to sit in a lion's cage, let alone a party room, with the Dooosh. I know it would be uncomfortable for all of us - kids included. Even my friends (which includes ALL of the kids' friends) would think this was strange after everything he has done to me.

I don't care to take the "high road" and frankly, I don't think this has anything to do with a road. Its about respect. He disrespected me, our marriage, and our family - including our children - when he cheated with the whore and there is NO way I will ever be near him again.

I'd rather kiss a rattlesnake.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3605 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with SSM: the party for the child's peer group should be at a neutral location and jointly hosted.

Then each family can do what they like.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 7:55 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29627 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm firmly in the "separate parties" group.
Divorce means that family celebrations of old no longer exist.
Like the previous poster, I will not have XWH set foot on my property, let alone in my home. As soon as XWH moved out, there was no longer combined anything (for the sake of the kids or not). I think combined parties and "family" holidays set up expectations on the kids' part that will become harder to correct the longer you keep things combined.

I tend to agree with this. We have separate parties; separate everything. He burnt this bridge and then he took the ashes and he burnt those too. It is NOT in the best interest of my kids for us to do anything jointly as an emotionally wrecked mother is no good to her children.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WakingFromADream, my DS has a birthday next week, the first family event since this whole mess started. I'd been debating what to do, leaning towards a 'whole family' get together at a neutral location. Mainly because I'm pretty sure STBXH will forget to plan anything.

Now I'm not so sure. DS has had some issues dealing with WS not living with us anymore. I hadn't thought about raising expectations of us getting back together, and I definitely do not want to do that. DS would probably love the idea of having two parties. But of course, you know your DS better than any of us here.

p.s. I usually give our kids a choice between a big 'friend party' or 'family party and cool gifts.' They usually go for the smaller party and better gifts.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
WakingFromADream
♂ Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I decided to agree to the birthday as it is for his classmates at a neutral location. Should be a lot of fun.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We each do what we want to celebrate separately for the family part. As for the friends party, it was put into our decree that he look after the party for one kid in the even years, and the other in the oddd years. Obviously, I look after the other one each year. We are past that age now, but it put the expectations sfraight up for us when dd was younger.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 14

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