Deep deep down, I believe there is one of my fww's OM that she would have ran off with into the sunset if he would have taken her. She has never said anything bad about him and I found out latter she bragged about him to her friends long after he was gone.
Because of my schedule, I will not be able to get to MC for a couple of months, but I would suggest the same for you. In MC I intend to dissect why I feel like she is settling for me instead of choosing me above all others.
Good luck and peace.
If he, as the OM, isn't allowed to be "sweet" because he's an adulterer, then she also is not allowed to be "sweet" or "pretty" or "generous" because she was unfaithful, too. She can't desecrate his character without destroying her own. There was a demon inside her that has to be exorcised, but if she herself is the demon, then why try?
At one point early on my wife actually said "If he's such a bad person what does that say about me then?"
I agree with Clarissa this is very much about a reflection of the WS in most cases.
So after the "fog" lifts people are able to see the brokenness in themselves and their AP. Sure, there are still good traits, but what matters is fixing themselves now, and recognizing that a whole, healthy person would not have gotten involved in an A.
In my H's case, he kept going long enough that he had already recognized just how unhealthy the OW was; that was part of what "trapped" him--her threats, etc. He was already way past regretting getting involved with her and had never thought she was much to begin with. It was, however, only after the lies ended that he was able to face how damaged HE was.
See that's just it, when I pressed her I got the ever popular, "l don't know. I don't remember."
And I would agree with the others here, this is all about her inability to see his downside as well as recognize her own issues. Her "hatred" of him, is her feeling abandoned by him.
After a whole year of this bull shit, I would have hoped wed be further along. And it only fuels my fear that we are unfixable.
[This message edited by Dreamland at 7:26 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]
I myself once being involved with a BPD compulsive liar, the 'I don't knows' and 'I don't remembers' become a very obvious cover for the reality that there are thoughts, feelings and actions that they feel guilty about, and rather than confront the situation with some serious introspection, it is quickly swept under the rug with a couple of cheap slogans often championed by the incredibly deceitful. She clearly does not want to take full responsibility for her part to play in this, for if she was to truly acknowledge that OM was a loser, she would also need to confront her own corruption in the situation. She'd much rather paint the situation with sparkles and honey and make it out like it was just a case of really good people getting caught up in a terrible mistake.
I am way too cynical to see things in this light. People who sink so low to have an affair have made a conscious decision to sell their morals down the river. Doesn't mean they can't get those morals back, but for that particular moment in time, in my opinion, they become selfish toxic people.
To me, it is obvious that she still sees OM as a really nice guy. Whatever her reason for R, it would not be good enough for me knowing that her feelings are still so positive towards OM. You have every right to feel upset by this.
If I was in your situation, I would set some clear boundaries with WW, letting her know that I would not tolerate her 'warm and gooey' feelings toward OM. That I am not 'chop liver' and am worthy of being viewed in a far better light than a someone who enters into a relationship knowing full that they are destroying another one. That there is no comparison between you and OM, because in all the years you could have been like him and strayed, you remained faithful.
Wishing you all the best in your part to play in 'operation foglift'.
[This message edited by Heath at 9:00 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]
If he's such a bad person what does that say about me then
a few weeks after Dday I asked my husband if he hated OW#1. He said he didn't hate her, but he hated what she did... he has never said a disparaging word about either OW, and I suppose he can't because the same adjectives would apply to him.
you know, I am a former wayward and I deserved some of the things people call the OW that I can't say on this forum, I really did. it doesnt' bother me. I'm not that person anymore... but hell, recognize that you (waywards) were, indeed, that person. And you were stuck in the exact same mud as the AP. So what. just admit it. A year later with growth, health and clarity this shouldnt' be a problem.
[This message edited by rachelc at 2:53 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.