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User Topic: I'm pretty sure my husband is cheating what do I do?
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also wouldn't let me meet her after he agreed to it in therapy and went to a festival with her but told me he didn't want me to come because he "needs space".

^^^Don't allow this. Even if you have to get in your car and follow him, do not let him get away with this. This is so disrespectful to you and hugely inappropriate.

You have every right to say, "Hell No" ~ use this right.

I too believe that he is engaged in or heading into an A. {{{Feelingsolost}}}

What would I do?
Get a voice activated recorder (or two) and strategically place them where he could get caught in his car would be good.

He will continue to make you feel like you are crazy. You need concrete proof...they are usually never willing to spill the beans on their own.

Trust your gut and protect yourself.


I understand and am so sorry for your pain.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo the comments about trusting your gut. I suppressed mine for 2 + years. I really wished I had not.

I caution you about continuing MC. Read Not Just Friends. My SAWH, upon confrontating him with the name of the woman he was seeing, insisted they were just friends. And he did this in MC, too. He continued to do this for 2 weeks until I found more evidence that this had been going on for MUCH longer than I suspected.Even then, it has taken MONTHS to get answers to everything...and I am sure there is more to know. At the very least, your H's boundaries are for shit in that he is spending time with the person in question instead of working on the marriage. At the most, he's having an affair. Neither scenario is acceptable.

Time to 180. You can read about it in one of the posts in the healing library and I have also seen it before in a few of the posts for Newbies on here. The main purpose is to help YOU but sometimes a side benefit is that the WS takes notice that you aren't consumed with what they are doing like you might have been recently.

Good luck. Try to stay calm and centered and rational. Does the OW have a spouse? I might check in with that person at some point. IMO she is a conniving bitch who has put herself into a really bad position. Women are terrible to one another, aren't they? I would never, ever do that to someone, but I guess I am more secure than OW are. Funny how we find them so threatening. In reality, they are probably more threatened by us.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's is how my Hs A started. He started running with "his friend" 3 nights a week. Trust your gut. You Are probably right. By the time I realized what was going on and asked him to stop seeing her it was too late. (((Hugs))) nowadays he has no "friends" that are not friends of the marriage. Be good to yourself.

Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the folks here.. my dear your instincts on spot on..
he is cheating.. emotional for sure and physical most likely.
Stay calm and hold your ground by letting him think you believe what he's told you.
The first thing to do is protect yourself and your children by getting in the right position.
Don't try to get him to tell you.. I jumped to quivkly so i wasnt able to gather info and he deleted most everything. I found out cuz the OW texted him.. He had ended so he left his phone unattended.. And I saw the text..
You need to gather information so that in the future you need it. So the best I'd a PI but many thing you can do yourself. I believe there is plenty of technology that allows you to find out what he has really been upto.
Sorry you are here.. But this is a great place to get support.
Oh and read Not Just friends.. It's will help you understand. My H is reading it now. He now sees how he didn't protect our marriage.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 12:49 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh made me believe it was me too. He succeeded in this for 2 years. He would never do that, they were just friends blah blah. I hated myself so much i even self harmed on a few occasions.

Guess what, i was spot on all along. I don;t know what changed but i just woke up one day and knew it wasn't me and kicked him out, he then confessed they had kissed.

After dd he still continued to lie and lied all through our mc minimising what had actually happened between them. So don't believe MC means he will be honest.

Together 14 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are very fortunate to have found this site this early, even before confrontation. Many of us made big mistakes at the beginning because we were just in such shock at the revelation of an affair.

You can save your marriage if that is possible, but you need all the advice you can get up front. Read the healing library, get the evidence to need so when you confront him he can't lie his way out of it.

He is certainly having an emotional affair and probably a physical affair. His is justifying his behavior to himself by attacing you, saying he is unhappy, that you don't do this or that. That is all affair BS. An affair had NOTING to do with you and everthing to do with him.

You are in a position of strength right now. He is just having a fun fantasy but does not want to blow his life apart. Even though you can't afford a PI you can install a VAR in his car. They spend a lot of time on their phone with the AP in the car because it is private.
You can also install a key-logger on the PC.

Just remember that neediness and weakness will only drive them further into their fantasy. Put your bitch boots on, get tough, and snap him out of the fog.
Hugs and good luck and keep posting. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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