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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Overreacting?
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been trying to get my wBF to go to IC for several months. He wouldn't do IC, but agreed to MC. He found a married couple that counsels people going through infidelity as part of their church, and he took about a month to schedule an appointment. I had some concerns about it being out of their church since I'm not a fan of people quoting bible verses about forgiveness right now. He finally got it scheduled for today about two weeks ago, and we were planning on going together. Last week we had a thing where we almost broke up, and he sent me an email asking me to go with him to the appointment on Friday. We decided to not break up, and I was planning on going.

I asked him Wednesday what time the appointment was, and he said that he wanted to go alone. He said that he was worried that the couple would quote bible verses at me and I'd get upset, so he wants to test the guy out alone on the first meeting. If he thinks I'll be okay with it, then he'll bring me for the second meeting.

I suspect a lie somewhere in that. He wanted me to go last week (he even posted it in the wayward forum), and nothing about my religious concerns has changed in the past week. I let it drop, but it kept bothering me. I brought it up again today, and he keeps saying the same reason. It is really bothering me, and I'm on the verge of insisting that he take me. He also keeps saying though that I wanted him to do IC, and that's what he's trying to do tonight.

It doesn't make sense though. If it was always planned to be IC, fine. But it sounds like he wants to go the first time alone and then possibly bring me to the other ones? Which has me concerned that he's going to tell the guy all this good stuff and none of the bad stuff. Or I'm concerned that he's going to talk to the guy about other stuff I don't know. Or about breaking up with me. I'm so suspicious. I don't believe the whole religion reason.

He told me that he's starting to get frustrated. I'm beyond frustrated. I feel excluded, and I suspect a lie.

Am I overreacting? Should I tell him to go alone tonight? Should I insist on going with him?

ETA: He just sent me a text that says "I need somebody I can really talk to today who's been through this and I won't have to hold back." Now I feel like I can't insist on going, but there's a big part of me that still wants to. And my gut is still saying that something's not right.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:17 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd avoid faith-based counseling unless that is something you're motivated by. Even then, I think a licensed therapist is the best idea.

It does sound like he is being cagey, but perhaps it has something to do with being afraid of therapy. Let him talk to the church, and why don't you find a MC? Don't be passive.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let him talk to the church, and why don't you find a MC? Don't be passive.

We had a MC that I found right after Dday, and we stopped going because he couldn't afford it. He can't afford to pay half, and he won't let me pay the whole thing. The church couple is free, and is pretty much our only option.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:23 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC (whom I love) feels very strongly that MC be someone that the couple only sees together. She says that if one person goes alone, and then as a couple, it won't feel as "safe" for the other person.

On the other hand lots of people on SI seem to do it that way just fine.

To me the issue with your BF is that he's doing what he wants instead of what's best for you. He's being selfish. I'd be pissed. I think if you could try talking to him about it again that would be good. But really, he's being an ass.

I'm sorry. :(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CL rescinded the invitation? OMFG, girl, why do you keep putting up with his shit? You're 28 years old and there's no ring on your finger. Run. Thank CL for teaching you what *not to do* in your future relationships, and run. Don't look back.

Which has me concerned that he's going to tell the guy all this good stuff and none of the bad stuff.

Pardon my French, but I reckon the C's bullshit detector is finely tuned. Given CL's persistent foot-dragging, I'd be more concerned he intends to bail on the appointment entirely, and will make up some convenient excuse or flat-out lie. Are you phone/GPS tracking him, to verify his whereabouts?

Am I overreacting?

If anything, you're underreacting.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given CL's persistent foot-dragging, I'd be more concerned he intends to bail on the appointment entirely, and will make up some convenient excuse or flat-out lie. Are you phone/GPS tracking him, to verify his whereabouts?

We are able to see each other's location through facebook messenger, which has a location finder on it. He's meeting the guy at his house though at 6PM, and I have no way of verifying that it's actually the guy's house. I asked him to send me a picture of his text messages with the guy this morning, and he said that he doesn't know how to take screen shots of his new phone yet.

After I posted this and he read it, he sent me an email. It says:

I can handle religious based counseling by myself, and it can be helpful for me. For you however, I don't think you can... and I think it could possibly make us more upset with each other.

I would like to talk to this guy about everything......I'm going to tell him every detail... about my current battles and my current frustration, I want to see if they went through the same thing. If they did, then I would like you to join me. If they didn't.... if they perhaps just shrugged it off and started going to church to deal with it then I don't want you to come with me. I will go to him by myself and I will find somebody for us both to go to.

The thing is though, I don't understand why this suddenly became an issue in the past week. I told him that several weeks ago, and he still wanted me to go until this week. So it doesn't make sense to me. And shouldn't I be allowed to make my own decision about what I can handle and what I can't handle?

I'm thinking that the real reason is that he wants someone he can be open with and bluntly honest, without monitoring his words because I'm listening. And there's a part of me that understands that, and thinks that he should have someone like that. Because I love going to my IC. So I don't know if I'm doing more damage by insisting on going with him, and whether I should back off so he can go alone and get all his thoughts out without me being there.

Ugh, I just don't know what to think.

ETA: He has texted the guy to see if his wife will be there. I'm guessing if the wife will be there, I'll be invited? And if not, then I won't be?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:15 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he feels like he can "not hold back" with a complete stranger but not with you? I'm going through the same thing with my fWH. he will be "sharing" tonight at a meeting (oops, it's date night) and he's vacillating between whether or not he's comfortable with me be in the room while he spills his guts to a bunch of complete strangers?Intimacy issues, much? These WS have it all backwards!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just sent me a text that says "I need somebody I can really talk to today who's been through this and I won't have to hold back.

Then he should schedule some IC, as MC is supposed to be a place where you both have a voice.

That also includes opinions - and that includes you being allowed to form your own about the MC. If he is worried about them saying something to offend you then he should be there next to you and on your side about it when you make that decision yourself, not trying to deflect it before you have the opportunity to decide on your own.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's starting to sound like he is not going at all. He is back to trying to confuse you which keeps you off balance. I would ask to go meet the couple then you will wait in the car or go do your own thing and come back to pick him up.

If he wants IC, then he should do that.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he made the appointment with this couple at all.

I think it's VERY possible he told you he made the appointment to get you to back off and then figured he would get out of it somehow..and now he has..he wants to go alone.

Have you talked to this couple at all,I recall you posting about this before and it was recommended that you call the BW and get an idea as to how they are going to counsel you..are they rugsweepers..put the past in the past..etc type of people..or did they R the healthy way?

If it were me,I would call the BW today. For two reasons. If the WH is a rugsweeper,the last thing you want is for CL to be counseled by him. And to see if they are even aware of the appointment.

He has no right to be frustrated with you. he has cheated and cheated and lied and lied and lied.

What exactly is he doing to prove he is fighting tooth and nail to heal the damage he has done to this relationship,you,and himself?

Girl, you need to find your bitch boots. It is ok to stand up for yourself. It is ok to demand respect,honesty,transparency,and anything else you need to feel safe. You continue to put his feelings above your own..something the two of you have in common.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7489 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he made the appointment with this couple at all.

He showed me text messages on Wednesday with someone named David in his phone, and he asked David what time to meet on Friday. There were messages going back a couple weeks of him setting the date for it.

Have you talked to this couple at all,I recall you posting about this before and it was recommended that you call the BW and get an idea as to how they are going to counsel you..are they rugsweepers..put the past in the past..etc type of people..or did they R the healthy way?

No, I didn't call her. I didn't have her name or phone number, and I had just made the decision to go today and form an opinion once I was there.

I sent him a text saying that I felt like he didn't understand my point of view, and that I was feeling anxious and upset. He replied saying that he does see my point of view, and asked if I saw his. And again said that he was frustrated.

Part of his reasoning now is that when we almost broke up last week, he told the guy that he would be coming alone. So he thinks that the BW isn't going to be there anymore. So he's texted the guy to see if the BW is available tonight, and I guess he'll bring me if she is.

I feel like I'm overreacting. There's a part of me that thinks he wants to do IC, which is what I originally wanted. So I should be happy. But I'm not happy. Something just feels wrong.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((((Lonelygirl10)))))))

Please be careful and guard against anything that doesn't feel right.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of this uncertain "I don't know this, and I don't know this, and I did this and didn't tell you" is all crap. Crap crap crap! People recovering from infidelity don't keep secrets and don't not know WTF is going on when they are booking a marriage counseling session. Does he need IC? Uh. Yeah. Do you? Uh. yeah.

What it sounds like to me, is he is going to prescreen them to make sure they are going to place some blame on you and not all on him. If he doesn't like what he hears, then he'll say "you" couldn't handle it.

I don't think one partner, most especially the betraying partner, gets to screen the MC alone. Nope. Nada. No bueno.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some 2x4s on some text messages. If what I said was bad, please tell me.

Me: If religion is the real reason, I should be allowed to form my own opinion.

Him: You did

Me: I haven't. I should be allowed to meet them.

Him: I'll see you at 5:30?

Me: Why?

Him: So we can ride together?

Me: I can go now? Why the change?

Him: Because I'm trying to do whatever you want

Me: It took us 4 hours to get there. Are you just giving in or do you want me there?

Him: Why are you so mean?

Him: I'm trying to do what I honestly thought was best for me and you you. You disagreed. I listened and I'm trying.


After I saw the "why are you so mean," I just started crying at work. Was I mean? I'm so twisted up and I don't know what's mean and what's not anymore.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not mean. I repeat, YOU are NOT mean. You are hurt, scared, confused, sad and probably a lot more. But not mean. You are hurt etc because of him and his actions.

He is mean, not you.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I went over the line and got mean.

He said:

What did I do wrong? I decided to go by myself because last week you said you didn't know if you wanted to go and you didn't want them to beat you up. What did I do wrong today? I listened, I told you how I felt. I put my honest thoughts and feelings aside for you and asked if you could come.

My reply:

You made the decision to uninvite me without talking to me about it, and then you put your feelings aside and reinvited me to the counseling appointment that we originally scheduled together. Good for you. I guess I should just trust that you always have my best interests in mind and shouldn't ask any questions when things confuse me.

No response in an hour after I said that. I know I've pissed him off.

But I honestly don't see why he thought it was okay to just uninvite me without discussing it with me? I didn't even know that I was uninvited until I asked what time the appointment was, and he responded that he was going alone. And the statement about him putting his feelings aside just upsets me. That makes it sound like he really thinks I shouldn't go, but he's being the "good guy" for me. Which makes me feel like I've forced him to invite me to this counseling thing tonight.

I don't know what to do now. He told me that he told the guy that I was coming now. Should I go or not?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go.

Then consider taking that break you said you wanted last week.

He put his honest thoughts and feelings aside for you?

WTH?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7489 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 18

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