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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Profanity laden tirade
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Angry  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The following email chain occurred between me and exH. I already know he should have clothes at his house for DS, but he doesn't, so it is what it is.

EX: When are you going to bring me his clothes

Me: Lunch time I guess.

EX: Ok thanks. I'm sorry I called so much but I needed to know since I have some errands to do. I don't know why you were ignoring me so please do better.

You know what, ex asshat?! FUCK you. You're NOT sorry you've called so much this morning. You do this regularly when you need something from me, even if what you need is tiny and non-emergent. And something else? I don't HAVE to bring you clothes. You could keep some at your house. OR, you could, I dunno, come GET them from me?! And further, FUCK YOU for telling me to "do better." Who do you think you are? My fucking dad?! You don't get to tell me to change my behavior. And you know what else? My world doesn't revolve around you. This entire exchange took place 30 minutes after you first emailed me your question. In that time, you called repeatedly, and emailed me again asking if I had gotten your original email. 30 fucking minutes. Yes, I understand you have other things to do than sit by your phone waiting on me to respond to your email. Guess what, asshole? I have other things to do than RESPOND to your email. If you want the respect you demand to be shown to you, then how about showing ME some respect? How about not treating everything YOU need like a damn emergency- blowing up my phone, calls, texts, emails repeatedly until I want to fucking SCREEEAMM!

I want SO badly to reply back to this email with a "hey stupid- stop telling me to 'do better'- it pisses me off" but I keep hearing IC in my head tell me NC NC NC! So I came here instead.

And I was in a good mood this morning.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Response: Since this seems to be a continued inconvenience, after this month, I will no longer send DS with clothing. That should give you enough time to take him shopping for clothes to keep in your home.
Thanks for doing better.

(Asshole)


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he this demanding, and everything has to be his way, while you were married?

I'd be wary of giving in to his demands, lest you set a precedent which will be hard to break in the future.

My ex would be getting crickets from me, either that or I'd tell him to take his ass to the store and buy some. "Bring me some clothes" MY ASS!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he this demanding, and everything has to be his way, while you were married?

::sigh::

Yes. And it's not just me. When we were married, I watched him do this crap to others. I've seen him call people repeatedly when he doesn't reach them the first time.

The thing is, I don't MIND bringing the clothes. I really don't. It doesn't bother me one iota to take him some clothes for DS when I'm heading out that direction at lunch anyway. But I DO mind the crap he pulls every.single.time. he needs to contact me about something. It just irks me.

But what REALLY just flew all over me was the "do better" bullshit. Yeah. I'll work on that, douchecanoe.

Ugh.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, he has you trained.
It isn't a matter of whether or not you mind taking the clothes during your lunch- I don't mind doing things that are essentially for my kids either. However, the fact is he expects you to do so AND has not made any moves toward manning up and providing these things himself. By continuing to provide items that he should have, the status quo will not change.

I'd cut him off, were I in your position. It stops when you say it stops.
Oh- and when he keeps calling repeatedly, IGNORE HIM.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaby-

If I tell him to buy his own clothes for DS, he'll bitch about how I'm taking all his money in CS and he doesn't have any money to buy DS clothes. He'll tell me he'd LOVE to be able to buy DS some clothes but he can't.

So what? I send DS over there to be naked all weekend? Just to make a point to ex?

I know a lot of people who send clothes back and forth between the custodial parent and the noncustodial parent during visitation time. This is not out of the norm. It's not really about the clothes at all, but rather his attitude.

And if you think I should make a stand about DS' clothes, I just can't. I can't send him to his dad's to be naked all weekend. I won't do that to DS.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is your DS?

I understand its a difficult position, really I do.

By not sending clothes, your DS wont be naked. He'll have the clothing in which you sent him. XW will then have to figure out something for DS to wear. A compromise would be to send the clothing from last season to XH's house and tell him that you will not be providing clothing going forward. If he has money to date, he has money to replace a shirt or pair of pants every month or two. He's offering excuses and demands instead of trying to work with you. That is what I think you need to correct (or not give in to).

No matter what you do though, your DS knows who REALLY takes care of him.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a way to pack an over night bag with enough clothing for your DS that your ExH can take with him?

Both of my kiddos have a bag, which I pack with enough clothing to last them for the days that they are gone. Sometimes STBX uses the clothes, sometimes he doesn't. I don't mind sending the clothes over either. But, by using the bags, it cuts down on interaction between STBX and I.

ETA: STBX does have clothes for them at his house. So, I guess I can't really speak to the fact that your ExH refuses to buy your DS atleast a few outfits. Sorry you're dealing with this.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 11:12 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does your son get transferred back and forth for visitation?
You can completely ignore him.
You just have to work out the logistics, if you feel you have to keep providing the clothes, for a weekend bag to be packed.
Your son will not go naked. He has you trained that everything will fall apart and it will be ALL your fault.
Personally I would make him dance to my tune.
You can come get them from me in the parking lot before I go to lunch, or you can come get them when you pick up DS.
Good luck. I know this is frustrating. It's also hard to get clarity when you are the person in the situation.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EX: Ok thanks. I'm sorry I called so much but I needed to know since I have some errands to do. I don't know why you were ignoring me so please do better.

My response would be..

Thank goodness, you have some errands to do? Great. Unfortunately, my schedule changed and I can't get away...when you run out on your errand, come pick up his clothes. The bag will be waiting out on the porch for you. Thanks a million!

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 11:39 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 671 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why you put up with that!? I could understand your bringing your tirade here if you were NC, but clearly you're not. I'm guessing you guys engage each other quite a bit? Personally I would put and end to that right. Now. Gabby's response was perfect, in fact, so was yours. I think it might so him some good to hear a tirade or two from you so he knows you're done putting up with his disrespectful BS, and then go NC with him. No more catering to his ass. Time to grow up for him!


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depending on the age of your son, go on freecycle, request bag of hand me downs for that size and send them to your ex's house. Done. I did this with my kids in the beginning, I was NOT going to pack them clothes all the time or was I going to take the few dollars that he was giving me to supply clothes for his house. He got the message very clearly and has since then bought clothes.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is using your devotion to your son against you. He knows your buttons to push since he installed them.

I know there is a thrift store in my town where I can get really good deals on clothes.

I bet you have the same. Your X knows about this too.

His "I have no money..because mean old x-spouse is stealing it from me....it is all x-spouses fault" lament is straight from the wayward handbook.

My X makes six figures and he too has no money....

This stops when you have had enough.

I know it is hard when kids are involved....but your kids are watching how you let him treat you. Really think about that.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is your DS?
5

Is there a way to pack an over night bag with enough clothing for your DS that your ExH can take with him?
I do pack him a bag. It's just too cumbersome for him to carry while trying to accommodate his school bag. There's no guarantee he'll remember to take it with him when it's time to go to a different building for after school care.

How does your son get transferred back and forth for visitation?

He picks him up from after school care. He brings him back home to me on Sunday evenings.

I could understand your bringing your tirade here if you were NC, but clearly you're not.

We can't be totally NC since we have a child to coordinate things for. This is a strange comment. It's a snap judgment and an erroneous one at that. I responded to him one time. I did NOT respond back with the tirade above. The only thing I said is "lunch time I guess." I wrote the tirade so I wouldn't respond to him in this way. This would engage him, which is what he wants from me.

Depending on the age of your son, go on freecycle, request bag of hand me downs for that size and send them to your ex's house.
This is an excellent suggestion! Thank you!

Thank goodness, you have some errands to do? Great. Unfortunately, my schedule changed and I can't get away...when you run out on your errand, come pick up his clothes. The bag will be waiting out on the porch for you. Thanks a million!


Follow up:

I ran the clothes by his house on my way to my lunch destination. I messaged him that I was close. When I saw him come out from the house, I dropped the bag on the curb and drove off. He called me 9 times within 10 minutes afterwards and sent me the following 2 emails. I have responded to none of it.

Message 1) Can u tell me why you are acting like this. I didn't do anything to you. DS treats me the way you do and that's terrible parenting. There is no reason why you can't answer the phone I had a legit question. Do you treat (SO) this way. Please try to understand the effect the way you treat me has on DS

Message 2)And you say I'm a mean person. You have a hateful, vindictive, and vengeful heart. You are teaching DS this and I hope and pray that you pray to God for your heart to change

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:42 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it is hard when kids are involved....but your kids are watching how you let him treat you. Really think about that.


All these issues, I'm working on in IC. Finding my voice with my verbally and emotionally abusive exH has been tough for me. I didn't have a voice while we were married, he never took personal responsibility for anything, everything was always my fault, and I was so manipulated that at least once I thought I was the one going crazy. Add in FOO and past abuse issues and my IC calls my childhood a "war zone" and thinks I might have PTSD from it all. My IC tells me it's a process and that I'm getting there, to that point where I: 1)don't engage him with things like this beyond just common courtesy answers, and 2) not accept his abuse, but she acknowledges that it takes time.

I was just venting.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:58 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can't be totally NC since we have a child to coordinate things for. This is a strange comment. It's a snap judgment and an erroneous one at that. I responded to him one time. I did NOT respond back with the tirade above. The only thing I said is "lunch time I guess." I wrote the tirade so I wouldn't respond to him in this way. This would engage him, which is what he wants from me.

Abby, sorry, that did come off as judgmental - I didn't mean it to be. I'm actually agry on your behalf!

I guess I assumed there was more back and forth as the first text was asking when you were bringing clothes. I admit I don't know how normal exchanges between you go, but judging by his audacity in his reply to you, I'm guess it's a common thing. I think crickets would have been the reply to his e-mail and in general it sounds like he needs to be shut down. Like Gabby had said, it's fine that you don't mind doing those kinds of things, but he is using it to his advantage to have control over you.

Have you ever let him have it over the way he treats you? Not just play nice, but make it clear that you are no longer his wife and he is not your father and he doesn't have the right to act that way and when he does, he will be met with....crickets? Maybe he would benefit from being set straight before you resume NC.

Oh, and I do understand that with kids there can't be full NC. But there doesn't have to be much back and forth either. He clearly feeds off of that - it seems like he's looking for any reason he can find to have to message you so that he can keep himself inserted right in the middle of your life. Sorry you are dealing with such a jerk.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby, sorry, that did come off as judgmental - I didn't mean it to be. I'm actually agry on your behalf!

I'm sorry too. I'm wound up and I took it wrong.

There's very little back and forth. There's a LOT of "forth" from him but very little "back" from me. I respond to him only when I absolutely have to. The above excerpted conversation was not part of a larger chain of conversation. That was literally all we said.

I just came here to get it out. To vent. To purge it so that I didn't engage him. That's what he wants.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever let him have it over the way he treats you? Not just play nice, but make it clear that you are no longer his wife and he is not your father and he doesn't have the right to act that way and when he does, he will be met with....crickets? Maybe he would benefit from being set straight before you resume NC.

Yes. I have. It perpetuated the problem. It gave him opportunity to malign me and verbally abuse me even more than he tries to now.

He clearly feeds off of that - it seems like he's looking for any reason he can find to have to message you so that he can keep himself inserted right in the middle of your life.

You're absolutely right. It might not seem like it, but today, I was in control.

He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care about upsetting me. I'm not going to be able to figure him out or change him. I can only do what I'm capable of, which is being in control of myself. I can engage him but only on my terms, which I did today. My IC would've counted today a win. I count today a win.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Message 1) Can u tell me why you are acting like this. I didn't do anything to you. DS treats me the way you do and that's terrible parenting. There is no reason why you can't answer the phone I had a legit question. Do you treat (SO) this way. Please try to understand the effect the way you treat me has on DS

Message 2)And you say I'm a mean person. You have a hateful, vindictive, and vengeful heart. You are teaching DS this and I hope and pray that you pray to God for your heart to change

Hey abbycadabby,

He's an arsehole. I think that totally sums it up. You did a good job not responding anymore than you had to.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Jan 2013
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you pass!

Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
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