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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Profanity laden tirade
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dropped the bag on the curb and drove off. He called me 9 times within 10 minutes afterwards and sent me the following 2 emails. I have responded to none of it.
You rocked that!


It might not seem like it, but today, I was in control.

He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care about upsetting me. I'm not going to be able to figure him out or change him. I can only do what I'm capable of, which is being in control of myself. I can engage him but only on my terms, which I did today. My IC would've counted today a win. I count today a win.

I agree, especially given the past abuse and FOO that you've experienced and are getting help with in IC.
Winning!!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Gaby!


Posts: 1250 | Registered: Feb 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the idea of using freecycle to get a wardrobe to leave at dad's house. It allows you to provide for your son and puts an end to ONE reason he uses to contact/berate you. Not that he won't come up with other stupid stuff to accuse you.....

Great job!

And (((hugs))) for having to parent with one of the lower muppets.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And (((hugs))) for having to parent with one of the lower muppets.

This made me lol! Thank you for the hugs.

Not that he won't come up with other stupid stuff to accuse you

This is the absolute truth. If it wasn't the clothes issue, he'd seize upon something else to berate/harass me over. That's why I said it's not really about the clothes.


Posts: 1250 | Registered: Feb 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand a bit of what you are going through because I went through something like it too, with a NPD-FT.

I am 6 years from DD and 5 from divorce, and this is the first year I have felt unshackled from it all. He pulled an arsehole maneuver a few days ago (kids are 18 and 16) and it just bounced off me.

I had to learn to never feed the monster and to not let his accusations of poor mothering and parental alienation phase me at all nor the character assination. It is pure projection aimed to get a response from me.

It was really hard for me when my kids were younger and I actually hurt myself a lot by interacting with him due to the kids as it did no good, and made it WORSE for the kids.

I know my reality. I know I make some mistakes but nothing like he portrays. He is also delusional and his retelling of recent events is nothing like what really happened...it is really odd.

You are doing great. It does take time and a tough skin. You will survive and thrive.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:35 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2676 | Registered: Jan 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Chrysalis. That means a lot. I do well for the most part. But overall, I didn't engage!!!!!!!! I'm excited about that most. Even amidst the accusations and harassment, I didn't break down and defend myself. That just opens the door to invite in more drama. And it feeds his nonsense. He's not diagnosed as NPD, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he has it.

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Feb 2010
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I am getting from this is that he expects you to take care of your son's needs while he has custody. He has you washing the clothes and bringing them to him. He needs to take responsibility for your son's needs while he is with him. Pick up some clothes from a second hand place or somewhere inexpensive, Walmart or Target or whatever you have where you live. If it's just the weekends then he will need two changes of clothes plus the ones he goes in. Whatever clothes he wears home from Dad's house, wash and return him in them the next week. Your XH needs to take responsibility for having his son's clothes clean and ready for the next visit.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby, this kind of crap just pisses me off. NOT at you or how you are handling it.....but at your x. *climbing up on soapbox and shouting at your x*..."This is your child. Please do NOT make him feel like a *visitor* in your home! Have the basic necessities there for him (clothes, toiletries, toys) so that the kid feels as if he *belongs* there!" (sorry, Abby. Your situation touched the *my kid's are hobo's* nerve.....)

Your X's behavior is unacceptable and unless you want to spend the next 13 years having to *jump* when HE says so, you need to get this reined in now.

If I tell him to buy his own clothes for DS, he'll bitch about how I'm taking all his money in CS

One of the best things that I gathered from my IC was the use of *so what*. Here's what it looks like: "so what" if he bitches about it?" The reasoning is because of the emotional abuse that you described. And as someone mentioned, your ex has you trained to *solve* his problems for him and that just isn't your job anymore.

AFAIK, child support is equalized between the parents based on the placement schedule. Just because he is paying you child support doesn't mean that YOU are expected to provide *all things* for said child. You are being paid the amount of child support required in order to care for your child for the amount of time that *you* have him.

Your x is jerking your chain, taking advantage of you....and you are allowing it to happen. I *get* that it is a difficult body of water to navigate because you want to make sure that your son is provided for....but (as pass said).....your ex is an asshole. (as evidenced by those texts that he sent after you so graciously went out of your way to drop your kids clothes off at his house).

You seem reticent to tell your ex to buy his kid some clothes to keep at his house (and I understand that anxiety), so YES. Look on FreeCycle. Hit garage sales. Ask you friends/neighbors for hand-me downs. Whatever. But gather up a small wardrobe to send over to ex's house with a note saying "here are some clothes to keep at your place for our kid so that he isn't having to lug around a backpack AND a suitcase on his weekends with you." (and mutter under your breath "fucking douche" as an ending).

It will always be SOMETHING with this guy. Work to inure yourself from his jabs. Develop a "what-ever" attitude.

And good job on stopping the engagement with him.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8006 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby, my kids were little hobos lugging stuff to dads. At first it was because they didn't have room at dads to store stuff. Then it was because they are fashionistas and dad is not fashion sense( and OW has slut taste in clothes). It was my kids choice to haul stuff back and forth.

My XH and OW/NW would hate if my kids were not dressed nicely. They view my kids as an extension of themselves. Most parents view kids as a reflection. The dynamic dou of dysfunction view their children as an extension of themselves. They would never let my kids go naked on their time- by extension then XH /NW would also be naked. Just like when one of my kids gets an award he is there getting congratulations and attaboy pats on the back-you would have thought HE did all the work for DD's award. In his extension NPD mind her work is his work, so yes he did the work -by proxy.

If your x is similarly inclined you may be dealing with NPD.

PS good for you for working to break the chains of his control!!! With each step it gets easier.

Hugs,
K



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your frustrations I am in the same position, my xwh is classic NPD. I pick my battles. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the game playing other times I want to bite but stop myself. I provide all clothing for my children when they are in his care for a number of reasons.

Lets just say the xwh & ow don't keep a clean house, they don't wash clothes very regularly or take care of anything really.

The ex refuses to wash and iron the kids clothes claims they are big enough to do it themselves, they were 7 & 10 at the time we split. Or they were returned half washed/half dirty had no idea what was clean or dirty. Clothes were not being returned. They would take their shoes and not return them.
At one stage the OW took oldest DS shopping brought him gangster type clothes and the kid is the polar opposite The kid hated it. The youngest ds is on the autism spectrum, he has sensory issues and prefers certain types of clothes so it's easier for me to buy the ones he likes and will wear. They also have no understanding of his issues and provide no support to him.
I only do it because it makes my kids more comfortable. Sure it's making life pretty easy for xwh & ow that they get to have all the 'fun' parenting time but at the end of the day if my kids are more comfortable they are happier and they are well aware what mum does for them.

My kids are old enough now they pack their own bags. But they pack only 2 sets of clothes, pj's and underwear and one pair of shoes.

Can you get the pick up location changed to your home? My kids & I insisted on this as they refused to take their bag of clothes to school and look like hobos.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it's easier to ignore the game playing other times I want to bite but stop myself. I provide all clothing for my children when they are in his care for a number of reasons.

I do the same. My kids lived like hobos when they stayed with him (which so far has only been 2 nights a week during this past summer vacation). I packed their clothes and they returned with them dirty and in trashbags (minus the 3 times he washed them and then threw them in trashbags unfolded). They even slept on the living room floor in sleeping bags.

They don't feel like their dads home is theirs for obvious reasons. That POS fought with me when I told him to provide toothbrushes and towels! He claimed he didn't have enough room for 3 extra towels.

He doesn't think about anyone's feelings but his own. Ever! He has ZERO f*cks to give about whether our kids feel comfortable and at home at his place. It's the way his twisted NPD brain works.

abbycadabby- I would probably get the same stupid excuses if I told him to buy clothes for them. The jackass doesn't get that providing what his children need for his home is a part of being a parent. He never has had to be a parent because I did it all when we were together. They have absolutely nothing at his home except for the toothbrushes and towels he reluctantly bought for them because I told him I was packing them anymore no matter what he said.

I understand your reluctance to respond because even though I don't give a shit what my ex thinks, it's just not worth the effort it would take. EVERYTHING is met with resistance when it comes to him doing anything he hasn't offered to do without prompting. Hearing his sob story of how broke he is because of CS/SS, how he has $50 a month for food and how I don't understand how hard he has it...blah blah blah..it's just not worth it. Every conversation we have, no matter the topic, he uses as an opportunity to vent and/or portray himself as a victim. It's incredibly draining. Having one less reason to contact him or hear another woe-is-me tale from him was worth packing 3 bags every week!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, this isn't so much about the clothes as it is about the way he treats you, and how he expects you, and the whole world for that matter, to drop everything and honor his wishes. He's very entitled, and he sounds like a narcissist to me. His text/email to you sounds exactly like the ones that my XWH will send to me, but he gets crickets from me, always. I never engage, because he feeds off of it.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might be good to have your lawyer send him a letter regarding his harrassing behavior.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I am getting from this is that he expects you to take care of your son's needs while he has custody.

Or they were returned half washed/half dirty had no idea what was clean or dirty.

I packed their clothes and they returned with them dirty and in trashbags (minus the 3 times he washed them and then threw them in trashbags unfolded).

Yes to the above. I send clothes clean and neatly folded in a bag. I get clothes back in trash bags, dirty and thrown in. Even wet swim trunks have been returned to me, wet, wadded up in a bag. OR, he'll wad them up all together and I'll have no idea what is clean or what's dirty so I end up washing it ALL. The point is that in his mind, I am responsible for this. He's returned all clean clothes maybe once in 2 years' time. We've been separated since Oct. 2011 and divorced since Oct. 2012. Except for a brief period when he lost visitation (due to an arrest for malice- road rage incident) he's had visitation and the clothes thing has been consistently my responsibility.

Just because he is paying you child support doesn't mean that YOU are expected to provide *all things* for said child. You are being paid the amount of child support required in order to care for your child for the amount of time that *you* have him.

This is true. However, HE thinks he should dictate how I spend the CS money by virtue of the fact that he's paying it. Now, I don't care what he thinks until he starts harrassing me about it and I told him then that I don't owe him an accounting of how I spend any of my money.

To me, this isn't so much about the clothes as it is about the way he treats you, and how he expects you, and the whole world for that matter, to drop everything and honor his wishes. He's very entitled, and he sounds like a narcissist to me.

I agree. I stated earlier in the thread that this is NOT about clothes. I also agree that he sounds like a narcissist. It seems that people only exist to him as extensions of him and not as their own separate entities. Idk if that makes sense or not, but for instance, DS is five y.o. He doesn't like to talk on the phone. His dad insists on talking to him 3 times a day, and has gotten angry and DS for not wanting to talk to him. He gets all bent out of shape when DS doesn't talk to him and has asked him
"why are you being ugly to daddy," etc, and has even cried on the phone to DS. He tells me that I'm teaching him to be disrespectful of people's feelings because I don't make him talk on the phone. But I counter that he's showing him disrespect in forcing him to talk when he doesn't want to. Idk. It's hard. I've gotten to where when he starts that I hang up on him and turn the phone on silent now.

It might be good to have your lawyer send him a letter regarding his harrassing behavior.

This is an EXCELLENT idea, and I'm sorry I didn't think of this obvious solution on my own.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:26 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1250 | Registered: Feb 2010
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS is five y.o. He doesn't like to talk on the phone. His dad insists on talking to him 3 times a day, and has gotten angry and DS for not wanting to talk to him. He gets all bent out of shape when DS doesn't talk to him and has asked him "why are you being ugly to daddy," etc, and has even cried on the phone to DS. He tells me that I'm teaching him to be disrespectful of people's feelings because I don't make him talk on the phone. But I counter that he's showing him disrespect in forcing him to talk when he doesn't want to.

Nip this shit in the bud. This is emotional abuse.

One goodnight phone call per day for as long as the child wants to talk. End of story.

My big girl is 5.5 and I can't imagine how stressed out she would be if she was forced to talk to either of us 3 times a day let alone if she was berated for doing what 5 year olds do.

Sometimes she wants to talk - other times she wants to play. I ask her to at least say goodnight to me (or to him if she's calling him).

There is no benefit to your son from these calls. Put his feelings here first - he is the important one, not X.

He is using these phone calls as a way of pushing your buttons and to keep you entangled in his web. It stops when you say it stops.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you talk to the lawyer about the clothes ask that he add in the one good night phone call in his letter as well. Don't make the mistake I did, give him a half hour window to make that phone call. I didn't and XH would call after bedtime wanting to talk to the kids. Had his lawyer send threatening letters regarding my alienating the kids from him...put the time in. My suggestion is one hour to a half hour before bedtime. That way DS has an opportunity to calm down before bedtime.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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