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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Weekends being run by my teenager Vent
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This weekend is my weekend with my two daughters. My oldest daughter (18) has all but disowned her dad, so she NEVER goes with him on his weekends. She is always with me. My 15 year old daughter sees him every other weekend and one night a week.

This weekend is my oldest sister's 50th birthday and my bro-in-law is throwing her a surprise party. We are travelling out of state (4 hour ride) for this party and leaving tonight. My 15 year old doesn't want to go. Too long a ride. No one her age. Stupid party. She won't have fun. She simply does not want to go. She mentions this to her dad and he offers up a baseball game with her and a girlfriend and she can stay with him. So naturally, she wants to stay with him for MY weekend. I told her no and called her dad to explain my reasoning. He said, she isn't going to be happy. She doesn't want to go.

I cannot let her do this! It will never end. Any weekend she doesn't like what either of us is doing, she will manipulate to get her way and create chaos every single weekend. This is NOT how visitation works. My family lives out of state and does not get to see my kids that often. My daughter is 15 and we are the adults. Sometimes we have to do things, attend events and go places we may not want to go. That is just life. She needs to learn this. That everything is not all about her!

I am mad that he offered her this option without talking to me first about it. Now I look like the bad guy.

I explained to him by phone that this may turn around on him too. He may be going somewhere or doing something on his weekend that does not appeal to her and she will try to manipulate that to her advantage too using me to get what she wants. I have told her before that if she doesn't like what they are doing she should talk to him about it. Nothing I can do for her.


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good, for you, lost. Your X is a dink for trying to score points with 15 at your expense!

I know you know this, but I'm going to tell you anyway: You are not the bad guy; you are a white hat wearing, white horse riding, good guy - the best there is.

You just may not look like it to 15 at this point.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK; do you really want to travel all that distance and spend all that money with a petulant 15-year old? Kids are inherently selfish, and I understand you are trying to teach her about family and responsibility, but if it were me, I'd rather enjoy my sister's party without dragging along a teen who just does not want to be there.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather enjoy my sister's party without dragging along a teen who just does not want to be there.

I'd have to agree with Sad on this one.

Fighting for control with a teen is like trying to freeze water with a blow torch. Maybe this battle is worth calling a ceasefire on and enjoying your weekend.

ETA: Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the anger and frustration. I'd be beyond pissed too.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 3:19 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it weren't a special occassion (party/celebration for your sister), I would agree with you.
In this instance, I'm with Sad. You don't want to wreck the party for everyone else by having Miss Bad Attitude in tow.

Go and enjoy the party!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, and not taking her teaches her what, exactly? That if it isn't fun and all about them, it is okay to kick up an epic fuss in order to weasel out of it?

I think family is important, and having our kids see relatives they do not often see is important. Not everything has to be fun. Why do we go to wakes, then? That certainly isn't fun. But it IS indicative of important things like respect.

I don't think it is a good idea to let a 15-year-old dictate like this. It sends the wrong message.

Bottom line: this is an important family event. She is part of the family. Sometimes we have to do things we don't wish to do. This is he of them. Suck it up, Buttercup.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29659 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it is a good idea to let a 15-year-old dictate like this. It sends the wrong message.

Bottom line: this is an important family event. She is part of the family. Sometimes we have to do things we don't wish to do. This is one of them. Suck it up, Buttercup.


^^^this

There is so much selfishness in kids today, and as parents, we have to make the choices to combat it. If DD decides to have a nasty sullen attitude because she has to go, then there would be other privileges getting shed because of that. She can suck it up, and she can act decent about it. She's a member of the family and she doesn't have the right to dictate things like that at this age.

I know at 15 I'd never have been given the right to make a choice about whether to participate in an important family event. don't know if I could have handled having the freedom to do so. kids don't need that kind of veto power in the family.

Kid should be taught that sometimes being supportive of loved ones is not necessarily fun or entertaining. The world doesn't revolve around them. Those lessons start at home. By letting her dictate and skip out it teaches her that what she wants is more important than anything else going on. It doesn't seem like a very good lesson to me.

And the other sucky part of this is that it won't be fun for you to enforce but that's our job as parents.

Good luck!


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to what cat and debby posted. Couldn't have stated it better.

Posts: 1274 | Registered: Oct 2009
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE......pretty little princess was forced to make the trip and guess what?? After the first SILENT hour in the car, she was over it! AND.....she actually had a good time at the party. I ignored her initial mood in the car and I just drove.

We had an enjoyable weekend. Both of my daughters got along with each other just fine. No fighting amongst them and happy faces the entire weekend. Sometimes, I think I know what I am doing as a parent. This turned out ok. I was prepared to suffer, thinking she was going to make it miserable for us. Thankfully, it worked out.

AND......while at the party someone asked her about her dad's girlfriend (OW/Slut) and she said that I was prettier! Now, I know how highschoolish this sounds but really, if I am being completely honest....this felt fabulous!!! My 15 year old has not said one word about this woman (well, she said she was nice! yeah...right). But, my daughter has not said anything nice to me in months! I went to the bathroom and cried after she said this!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great update lost! I was wondering what you had decided.


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Oct 2009
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. This isn't a hill I'd die on.

A fifteen-year-old who will be miserable--why NOT let her stay with her father?

Sometimes, the "my time" and "his time" can be bent.

You're not your child's opponent in court; you don't have to worry about "precedent." If a situation arises in the future you can assess it on its merits.

It's not about winning and losing. It's about meeting the needs of the kids as best you can.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were still married would major family events like this be optional?

Just because her parents are divorced and she has someplace else she could be does not mean she should game the system to avoid family obligations, and shame on him for trying to Disney Dad this one.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 12

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