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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just devastated (tmi alert)
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he can't guarantee the desire for monkey sex won't drive him to stray again

Fidelity is a choice. Is he committing to it, or not? You had better find out today.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bullshit part is he didn't cheat because he wasn't getting enough sex. He cheated because he felt entitled to peruse his own goals regardless of the expense to you. Bad coping mechanisms are bad coping mechanisms, period. Did he come to you and suggest a sex therapist? Did he ask you to see a doc about your pain? Did he tell you his eye was wandering?

I want to say something about porn sex and I am going to try to not offend anyone. Porn sex can be great and wonderful, but if it is the only kind of sex someone wants then I start to see intimacy issues. Sex can be magnificent when it is tender and lovely as much as when you are purely fucking. The wonder of committed sex is about that connection with your partner. Safety and trust and security. If all he wants is the nasty, then I would wonder why. Can he be open to a true partner? I think this is where he might focus some work.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of you SIers are really the greatest! Thank you! I really appreciate the diversity in opinion and suggestions. You have given me so much food for thought, which is what I was truly looking for. I haven’t worked this hard to throw in the towel yet and am still open to suggestions (thanks all you devil’s advocates!), yet I need to steel myself for the possibility that this is unworkable.

I don’t have as much time to write as I’d like, so I will answer some of your responses briefly…

Gonnabe, exactly what you said. I have been trying really hard to improve things on my end – more playful, more initiating, more frequency. There are some things I do very right and he tells me that too. I do need to know his preferences and he mine. Unfortunately, although I don’t think he meant to make it sound like an ultimatum, that’s how it felt to me. And those were his words. He has often said he doesn’t blame me, yet then has made statements like “If you had been giving me what I needed, I wouldn’t have needed to do this.” I called him on it. Yes, major blameshifting which is exactly where I was headed with my original email to him yesterday. Please talk to your IC about the “why”s beyond this. I have owned up to my part, accepted the responsibility for my own selfishness, and tried to correct this.

Silentthoughts, Yes, I feel like I’m one of Pavlov’s dogs being retrained. I still have some fears about the pain, especially if he gets rough. And I still get some pain if we go for hours, as he likes… Most of all, I do have some mental/emotional barriers to overcome as I am still really raw emotionally from his betrayal and indecisiveness, in addition to the knowledge that AP was everything I am not… I don’t want to be her. If we are to make this work, we need to find common ground that works for us both.

SisterMilkshake, always good comments from you! Ha! And yes, I do need to find out from him if he wants screaming monkey sex everytime or if we can find a compromise…

Fix his attitude about fidelity before you book a hotel room for monkey sex.

PeaceLove, Yes. This^^^^ I can’t do it otherwise.

Mchercheur, we are about to drive one hour to a wedding. I plan to find out today.

Rebreather, I totally agree. I do see that he has emotional intimacy issues. I could expound on your post, but need to run.

Truly, huge thanks to all of you. I almost boycotted the wedding today. Now I feel like I actually have a plan for discussion. You were there when I need the right words and even a laugh through my tears…


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Silentthoughts
♀ Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know the more I thought about it the more I wanted to ask you if this preference for wild sex is post a or did he want that pre a also? The reason I asked is because for about a year after my situation (cybersex) I felt I wanted different sex, more rough and crazy. Now almost 3 years out, I've been back to "normal" for the past 2. It's hard to explain exactly what was going on in my brain at the time, it was almost like my hard wiring was different from all the exposure I'd gotten on line to stuff I normally wasn't into. If that makes sense? Maybe he is still in that mindset?

As the WS we have the responsibility to help the bs heal, he should be making you feel safe to be physically intimate, and telling you he wants a different level of sex than you feel comfortable with is not the way to do it. I'm all for being honest in the bedroom, but there is a time and place and a proper way for talking about improving your sex life and its not until you are firmly recovered from his a.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silentthoughts, thanks so much for giving this more thought and offering your additional insights from a different perspective. I am struggling so hard for understanding of all of this.

I am starting to ask some of these types of questions. Unfortunately, he was not ready to discuss on Saturday and we decided to just take a "break" from the emotional rollercoaster and just have fun at the wedding. However, yesterday I wrote him several long emails and asked him to do some digging. I tried to be very calm and non-accusatory in my tone. Explained that I am looking for solutions.

I feel as though this is a new, and previously unknown, desire... I know he has always had a high sex drive. He had an active sex life before meeting me, but was always monogamous. Many women, but one relationship at a time. He "said" that he would never have a MLC, because he had already sown his wild oats. I thought our sex life was satisfying to him back then. Yes, it took a nose dive over recent years. I've expressed true remorse over my part in that and tried to show in actions that I am committed to improvements in this area.

I did "tell" him last night that I feel he moved the target on me. That I can't possibly intuit what he wants/needs if he doesn't communicate. That we both need to dig deep for our WHYs for our behavior and decisions so that we can move forward in a collaborative way.

I also explained that I want him to understand how vulnerable sex is for me at this point. That I feel judged, inadequate, self-conscious, and also angry. That I've needed to almost disconnect from my emotions in order to have sex. That I want to get to a point where I feel loved unconditionally, valued, and safe again. I want to have sex WITH emotion again, feel fully connected, not just pleasured. That I think our sex life can continue to improve if we both communicate, do the work, and he helps me feel safe and loved again.

He has replied that he wants to read all my emails multiple times and reply thoughtfully. I will wait patiently... I think perhaps we are on the verge of making some forward progress (or throwing in the towel, I guess....) We can't exist in limbo forever, right?

I really appreciated the added insight. I think you have a point and it might actually help him understand himself too. He has said how self-loathing he is right now and how he feels like some kind of sexual pervert. I don't honestly know if he's repressed these desires for years or if this in an aftereffect of the A.

We've got a lot to learn...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Silentthoughts
♀ Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillstanding1: If he's feeling "perverted" that's probably a good sign that he may "snap out" of it and it may just be temporary distorted thinking. I don't know if that's the case obviously, but that's what happened to me. It could be something for him to explore. You can't fix him though. He's gotta do the hard work himself.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would find his monkey sex request rather offensive. He should be fortunate you were prepared to reconcile, without demanding that you behave like a sexual performing seal.

Part of the problem is that the focus seems to be on whether or not he will cheat again if you are not prepared to swing from the chandeliers. As I said he should be concerned with rescuing this relationship after his hurtful betrayal.

In a few years ED will start to intrude on his simian activities. It would be interesting to start to make these extreme sexual demands of him when he can no longer get it up, so as to speak.

[This message edited by OK now at 12:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add that my Ex used the "monkey sex" excuse and there was also a moving target i was trying to hit to "make him happy and want to stay"

Turns out, it wasn't the monkey sex at all, that was just the excuse du jour because he didn't know how to make himself happy. He still doesn't. (i watch him chase it from afar with material things)
He now has a new pretzel and i can guarantee you my sex life is so.much.better than his.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the problem is that how he defines "monkey sex" now will likely always be a moving target...and an excuse to cheat. He wants an excuse to be unfaithful, make no mistake or he has a severe mental illness that prevents him from controlling his compulsions. Either one I'd be looking for the exit. You can't win here. It will likely never be "enough". That is absolutely no way to live your life.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 537 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 29
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