he can't guarantee the desire for monkey sex won't drive him to stray again
Fidelity is a choice. Is he committing to it, or not? You had better find out today.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:31 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]
I want to say something about porn sex and I am going to try to not offend anyone. Porn sex can be great and wonderful, but if it is the only kind of sex someone wants then I start to see intimacy issues. Sex can be magnificent when it is tender and lovely as much as when you are purely fucking. The wonder of committed sex is about that connection with your partner. Safety and trust and security. If all he wants is the nasty, then I would wonder why. Can he be open to a true partner? I think this is where he might focus some work.
I don’t have as much time to write as I’d like, so I will answer some of your responses briefly…
Gonnabe, exactly what you said. I have been trying really hard to improve things on my end – more playful, more initiating, more frequency. There are some things I do very right and he tells me that too. I do need to know his preferences and he mine. Unfortunately, although I don’t think he meant to make it sound like an ultimatum, that’s how it felt to me. And those were his words. He has often said he doesn’t blame me, yet then has made statements like “If you had been giving me what I needed, I wouldn’t have needed to do this.” I called him on it. Yes, major blameshifting which is exactly where I was headed with my original email to him yesterday. Please talk to your IC about the “why”s beyond this. I have owned up to my part, accepted the responsibility for my own selfishness, and tried to correct this.
Silentthoughts, Yes, I feel like I’m one of Pavlov’s dogs being retrained. I still have some fears about the pain, especially if he gets rough. And I still get some pain if we go for hours, as he likes… Most of all, I do have some mental/emotional barriers to overcome as I am still really raw emotionally from his betrayal and indecisiveness, in addition to the knowledge that AP was everything I am not… I don’t want to be her. If we are to make this work, we need to find common ground that works for us both.
SisterMilkshake, always good comments from you! Ha! And yes, I do need to find out from him if he wants screaming monkey sex everytime or if we can find a compromise…
Fix his attitude about fidelity before you book a hotel room for monkey sex.
PeaceLove, Yes. This^^^^ I can’t do it otherwise.
Mchercheur, we are about to drive one hour to a wedding. I plan to find out today.
Rebreather, I totally agree. I do see that he has emotional intimacy issues. I could expound on your post, but need to run.
Truly, huge thanks to all of you. I almost boycotted the wedding today. Now I feel like I actually have a plan for discussion. You were there when I need the right words and even a laugh through my tears…
As the WS we have the responsibility to help the bs heal, he should be making you feel safe to be physically intimate, and telling you he wants a different level of sex than you feel comfortable with is not the way to do it. I'm all for being honest in the bedroom, but there is a time and place and a proper way for talking about improving your sex life and its not until you are firmly recovered from his a.
I am starting to ask some of these types of questions. Unfortunately, he was not ready to discuss on Saturday and we decided to just take a "break" from the emotional rollercoaster and just have fun at the wedding. However, yesterday I wrote him several long emails and asked him to do some digging. I tried to be very calm and non-accusatory in my tone. Explained that I am looking for solutions.
I feel as though this is a new, and previously unknown, desire... I know he has always had a high sex drive. He had an active sex life before meeting me, but was always monogamous. Many women, but one relationship at a time. He "said" that he would never have a MLC, because he had already sown his wild oats. I thought our sex life was satisfying to him back then. Yes, it took a nose dive over recent years. I've expressed true remorse over my part in that and tried to show in actions that I am committed to improvements in this area.
I did "tell" him last night that I feel he moved the target on me. That I can't possibly intuit what he wants/needs if he doesn't communicate. That we both need to dig deep for our WHYs for our behavior and decisions so that we can move forward in a collaborative way.
I also explained that I want him to understand how vulnerable sex is for me at this point. That I feel judged, inadequate, self-conscious, and also angry. That I've needed to almost disconnect from my emotions in order to have sex. That I want to get to a point where I feel loved unconditionally, valued, and safe again. I want to have sex WITH emotion again, feel fully connected, not just pleasured. That I think our sex life can continue to improve if we both communicate, do the work, and he helps me feel safe and loved again.
He has replied that he wants to read all my emails multiple times and reply thoughtfully. I will wait patiently... I think perhaps we are on the verge of making some forward progress (or throwing in the towel, I guess....) We can't exist in limbo forever, right?
I really appreciated the added insight. I think you have a point and it might actually help him understand himself too. He has said how self-loathing he is right now and how he feels like some kind of sexual pervert. I don't honestly know if he's repressed these desires for years or if this in an aftereffect of the A.
We've got a lot to learn...
Part of the problem is that the focus seems to be on whether or not he will cheat again if you are not prepared to swing from the chandeliers. As I said he should be concerned with rescuing this relationship after his hurtful betrayal.
In a few years ED will start to intrude on his simian activities. It would be interesting to start to make these extreme sexual demands of him when he can no longer get it up, so as to speak.
[This message edited by OK now at 12:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
Turns out, it wasn't the monkey sex at all, that was just the excuse du jour because he didn't know how to make himself happy. He still doesn't. (i watch him chase it from afar with material things)
He now has a new pretzel and i can guarantee you my sex life is so.much.better than his.