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User Topic: My marriage has been a lie.
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely tell her husband. Give him what you know and leave it at that. He has the same right to know that you did. Do not tell him until after you do it!
There is much help here. Glad you found us, sorry you had too.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
♀ New Member
Member # 40735
What?  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa. All I can say is I am blown away by the outpouring of support I have received from so many kind, caring, and courageous people. I weathered the weekend ok. Nights and days off work seem to be the most difficult for me. I appreciate the feedback some of you gave about not feeling like I "should" do anything right away and to sit with how I feel. Thanks for normalizing my craziness, my obsessive thinking and behavior. I have decided not to call OW's husband for the time being. I also am going to give my WH a chance at working on his issues and our marriage and i am starting my own therapy tomorrow. I am sure I will be sticking around SI for a while as this appears to be a very encouraging and helpful community of people. Thanks to all. x

Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why have you decided not to tell her husband?

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sadgirl)) I am so sorry. My H had a two year A and then continued to speak with the AP for one year before I found out.

Like you I obsessed over connecting the dots. IC told me I was trying to reframe my life based on this new knowledge. It's totally normal and at some point you will exhaust yourself and just stop to move on to the next phase, which will be anger. Altho I suspect you have already experienced this and will continue to do so.

I too asked myself, "where were you LA when this was going on?" How could I miss this? I too never checked bills, emails, etc. My fWH said it best: LA, I worked at deceiving you. You are not stupid. You did nothing wrong and you certainly don't deserve any of this. Don't blame yourself.

I hope you do let the other spouse know. Like you, time has been stolen from him and while nothing can change the past the future can be different. Whether they stay together or not, at least he will know.

I wish you well.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadgirl - we're in the same boat and like you (I just found out three weeks ago) I have been beating myself up. I saw some of the signs but put it down to troubles he had at work & when he started fights with me he tells me now it was a lot of build up of guilt and the whole situation which, in his words, had gotten out of hand i.e. not much fun anymore.....Like you I find so painful thinking about what I was doing at certain points in time that I remember as happy but now know he was having an A throughout. It kills me and can make a good start to the day bad. For my part I started IC as I want to find out what I need to move forward and we are starting MC. I think above all else I need him to be able to answer the question on how it was possible that he started an affair just days before our baby was born - I need him to be able to come to terms with it and not rug-sweep - blaming issues in past with our marriage. What everyone says here - that you may bear some responsibility for issues in M but you are NOT responsible for the A - has given me a lot of comfort. That I was a trusting fool and a busy mum getting on with life and not thinking the worst of my H is not something I am going to lose sleep over - I just hope I can go back to being somewhat trusting but know this has dented my faith in him and in people I love...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sucks about all of this is how trusting we all were. I know there has always been suspicion or denial but for me I thought that suspicion was me just being down on myself or being a jealous wife.

Now I am a nutcase and can't even trust him while I am taking a quick shower. I hope I can get over it.

Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why have you decided not to tell her husband?

I have to echo the same question.

Don't you think that he, too, deserves to know the truth just like you? How would you feel if someone knew vital information about your husband and was choosing not to share it with you?

He deserves to know. This isn't about you or your husband. It's about an innocent, betrayed person that deserves to know the TRUTH about his marriage and his life, so that HE can make the same informed choices that you're now being given the chance to make.

It's the right thing to do.

Good luck to you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He deserves to know. Tell him.

And get checked for std's.

Force them to sever the connections now....

Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your title to this topic is "My marriage has been a lie". Guess who else's marriage has been a lie? The BH of the OW. He deserves to know. Please give him the opportunity to live an authentic life.

I am sorry you are here. None of us want to be. There is a lot of collective wisdom on this site that comes from been there, done that. One mostly unanimous opinion is that the other betrayed spouse should be informed - it's right up there with getting tested for STD's and checking with a lawyer to know your rights. Best of luck to you.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4006 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I've done a lot of thinking about whether to tell OW's spouse. My decision not to is complicated and yet not. I hear everyone's arguments to do this.
The truth is, I did not discover my husband's infidelity until I couldn't tolerate his selfishness and insisted on therapy or divorce. He chose therapy. When therapy led us more toward intimacy, I found the OW's email on his iphone which I was training him to use.
Since this discovery he has been truly remorseful and 200% invested in our marriage and the family.
I'm not sure what telling the OW's spouse would accomplish. It wouldn't change what is happening in my marriage.
I will admit that since discovering the A I have had more intimacy with my H than we've had since before my kid was born and I would hope that OW and her spouse could get to that point. But I worry I would be throwing a stick of dynamite into their home and family-they have 2 kids at home, 4 total.
MC Jack said he told other spouse when the OM tried to reconnect. I know if that happened I would call the other spouse.
For now I think i will let it alone. Maybe OW will cop to her infidelity to her husband.

Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
Topic Posts: 30
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