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Greetings from home. I am dealing with jet lag but wanted to touch base bc many of you have been so kind and interested in my emotional well being before/during/after the conference which was the first time I saw the AP.

Going to the conference was a decision we made together. We said, “we go together or not at all.” I said I could handle it. I handled most of it really well and other parts pretty terribly. I found out two things about my H that hurt and we will be back in MC within the week. It was after these two things that my behaviour took a turn for the worse. Prior to that, I kept Chicho's advice in mind and was expressing myself in a calm but firm manner.

Seeing the AP….

The MC said that when I saw her, the earth would shift underneth me. It didn’t. My mind was particularly strong that day and when she was pointed out to me my reaction was, “Really? Hmm. Ok.” Nothing about her wowed me. Apparently she was more....clothed then usual at this conference....

I spoke to my H both times when I was feeling vulnerable. Once was after the fact and another time was in the middle of something. The first time I asked him to consider my head to be in a state of chaos and to please take my hand, put his arm around me. I asked him to point her out to me when he saw her so I knew where she was. I did feel tension from him as we entered rooms but he did not express this until the end of the trip. He explained that he was walking into the room slowly so he could see her, point her out to me and we could avoid her. Not once but twice and without knowing, I plopped myself down in a seat where she was directly across from me. Honestly. What are the chances of this happening in a room of 600 that this would happen? Twice! The first time the event was more casual so moving around was easy to get away with. When it was noticed that I was sitting in front of her two tables away at the big dinner night (I looked fab btw), I did my best to be in the moment. I spoke to my FIL’s wife (who knows everything), chatted with others and did not over-indulge. I wanted more from my H at this point. He said he had his arm around my chair the entire night. I wanted it around me. When we went back into the room to get changed and go to the next venue of the night (they keep us busy!) I expressed rationally that I needed more and said, “Let’s trade places. You be me. My exAP is sitting there. Wouldn’t you want to feel like “the man” in every way? Just be ME. I outright asked if he felt uncomfortable being demonstrative tome in front of her and he said he absolutely did not. Still, I could not shake this thought. Sometimes I think he feels sorry for her but I have never asked him this.

He expressed that he really thought he was tending to me but said he would do more and at the next venue he did. He was touchy, hand-holding, we danced, we laughed, we did our best to relax. She was there and at one point she and her co-worker friend saw us, said a few words to each other and then walked towards us. I thought they were coming to say something that was how close they got but she and her friend walked behind him as if to say, “here I am and this is my turf.” We did not budge. She stayed in the other room for most of the time from there on out. I was angry that she got this close. She doesn’t care how much she hurt me. That move made it very clear.

The next day is when I went through his emails. I was feeling vulnerable and I went looking for something/anything that I might have missed. I am glad I found what I did but I also wished I would have spent the time instead doing something fun, meaningful, relaxing. I am mad at myself for giving up my power. Finding out that he was caught by his dad in Sept., 2010 vs 2011 hurt so much. He still maintains that he really believed it was 2011 and that the talk his dad gave him was significant but he acknowledged how much uglier it is that it was 2010 bc the A kept on for another year. He apologized sincerely. Yet another apology.

The good then bad….we were exhausted from talking, crying, thinking by the time dinner rolled around on our last night there. We went to a beautiful place. It was lovely. We relaxed. The service around us was second to none. We then went upstairs to see some head office people (she had left the conference by now). We had a GREAT time with these people but….I had had 2-3 more drinks. Mistake. I was asked repeatedly at this conference, “where have you been? Why don’t you attend conference? Are you just not interested in going?” Of course I wanted to say, “because my H was screwing AP and didn’t want me there.” I felt as if some people knew and were fishing. By the time this night had ended, I had been asked one too many times....my H kept saying to me, “well yes, for two years there was an undercurrent there but for the most part, you did not attend the past five years bc our kids were little.” Back at hotel room…

The ugly….I became very angry by this. I yelled, I threw my (soft) carry on bag at him. He said, “you shouldn’t drink” and climbed into bed. I laughed and said, “you shouldn’t screw other women!” He kept his eyes closed. I left the room. When I came back he was asleep. How could he sleep? I slept on a couch. There was more talking when we woke up but inside I felt sick and lost. Sick for knowing what past conferences brought. Sick for seeing her and imaging them together. Sick that the timeline I have known for 9 months has now been changed. Sick as I wonder if I will be angry for always. I do not want to get this angry. I fear it will end us if I am and my goodness I do not want that.

The good....there was a lot of it on the trip in spite of what I wrote. We took a gondola up to a mountain and got some great pics. We laughed a lot. We danced. I rode horseback, sat on top of a mechanical bull and danced! I love to dance! We enjoyed a king bed with luxurious sheets. Amazing food and Amarone. He introduced me to many people and some I really connected with. The company president and I had some fun talks. He was warm and even went out of his way to say hello to me. I could tell my H was proud of me for not only doing my best in a highly stressful situation but for going out of my way to be engaging. I was proud of me too.

I hope the hole in my heart can be filled in. His love, remorse, honesty and understanding play a big part in this. I need to contribute as well and not lose sight of our hard work to date. I need to hold onto my power. This is the hardest thing I have done.

As my SI pal blakesteele would say, God bless us all.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:15 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

((LA44)) Have been reading your adventures and just wanted to applaud you. I think you did great taking back something that belongs to you and IMO there is nothing wrong with occasionally imbibing a bit too much and letting it all out as long as it doesn't become a habit.

I still remember the night I had too much wine and got carried away throwing and smashing several glasses from the cupboard against the wall....I've never done it again but boy if felt damn good to do it. I think it was about nine months out from Dday when the anger reared its head......my H had been doing everything he could to reconcile and I think, in hindsight, I had begun to feel safe enough to lash out at him and let the anger out. It wasn't an easy time for H or me, but we got through it because we kept talking.

You sound like you and your H are heading in the right direction...keep talking and taking good care of yourself......you and your kids deserve the best.

Thank you AlexCR.

I guess when I did get angry back in our hotel room it took me by surprise. I didn't see it coming. I could not listen to one more person ask me where I had been. Plus the days before that really wore me out.

Wow! I think you were very brave.

We've learned not to overindulge in these situations; it doesn't always end well!

But you took on a VERY tough event and made it through. You have taken the conference back. And acted like a team.

Well done!

Thanks Catlover....not sure why I still feel so sad. But yeah - lesson learned as far as the indulging goes. Clearly indulging by all parties involved got things from bad to worse. So glad I never lost it in public.

Well done LA44 and Mr. LA44.

Thanks for posting in such detail...lots to digest.

First...this was an outing you both did TOGETHER. This takes courage and commitment.

Second...you saw the AP and handled it with grace.

Not once but twice and without knowing, I plopped myself down in a seat where she was directly across from me. Honestly. What are the chances of this happening in a room of 600 that this would happen? Twice!

Chances? I am convinced there are no coincidences in life....everything happens for a reason. Due to the whole religion not allowed I wont expand. I have had too many experiences like this, which has lead to more growth, to know this is part of the plan. Key is to NOT dismiss this by thinking it is bad luck, coincidence, or karma....by doing so you miss gaining full wisdom from such occurrences. You did not waste this....created an opportunity for you to engage your husband and him to support you...and you both did admirable jobs of both. You expressed, he heard...you both learned a better way to do similar situations, and then you did them! This is what R is all about...learning new ways to move towards an original goal--to be in a fulfilling, healthy marriage.

Fourth...you stepped back in time a bit and checked his email. Not a big stumble, but it did rob you of living fully in the present. It is normal, and I occasionally still check my wifes email. I suspect you felt a bit too vulnerable after such a long-term exposure to a tough situation. Don't beat yourself up over this...it is totally understandable.

Fifth...so you were a bit paranoid.

I was asked repeatedly at this conference, “where have you been? Why don’t you attend conference? Are you just not interested in going?” Of course I wanted to say, “because my H was screwing AP and didn’t want me there.” I felt as if some people knew and were fishing.

My wifes AP owns a business that is well attended and is spoken highly of. I, too, had that urge to say...Yeah, he is a swell guy... he fucked my wife, stepping out on his 5 kids and wife (have heard what a wonderful Dad he is, how he is so committed to his family)! But I don't. I also know the thought that others in my town know and fish occasionally. But that paranoid state COULD be giving us a false filter....allowing us to THINK they are acting in ways they are not. This is why you both showed courage to do this long trigger-type of event...I bet your husband had similar thoughts

(wondering what others were thinking and saying regarding his former affair) throughout the conference.

Sixth...rage is still a part of this. I feel it too, especially after having to hold my feeling while I am having to attend to other tasks that make expressing them impossible at the moment they occurred. BUT, you WERE able to hold them for a bit. What I have found, by holding my feelings longer then I like...I can actually process through SOME of them without ever having to expose them to the light of day....which is growth for me. Learning to work through things in this manner is a good skill to have. I think this is also helping me become a better listener. But dang it is tough at times...and I am not suggesting internalizing is the BEST way....just stating it is good to have many tools to deal with life....choosing the right one at the right time.

Seven....gently...got to be careful about putting any other unhealthy hurdles that you will have to overcome. Drinking is one to be really cautious about. For a bit I would have 1-2 beers a night....too much for me. I am down to 1 a week. So this is a real concern. It also gives your husband a legitimate escape...and he used it.

Eighth....he fell asleep. I know this was incredibly hurtful to you, it would to me too. BUT, this is tough, tough work. He was under a tremendous amount of stress too. I am not sure about this conference, but the work conferences I attend are fun but it does require me to be pretty well ON most of the time...interacting with lots of top quality people. Add to this the stress your husband was under as he worried about how you would react to seeing the AP in this setting, how SHE would react, all the small talk that could be going on by others in attendance regarding his affair.....it is just a lot of tiring work.

My wife and I have, at times, fallen asleep on each other. It might hurt the BS more as it FEELS like further rejection...while the WS may enjoy it because it FEELS like they are escaping for a bit. But I think the truth of the matter is that we are humans doing some very tiring work....we simply power down occasionally. Try to NOT read too much into him falling asleep.

You guys are doing R well....this post shows that work in the fine light it should be in. It is not perfect....it is REAL.

The further out I get from DD the more realistic I am becoming to what R is. I believe you are living what R looks like.

Long post I know....felt like expanding on this. I am close behind you and am pleased with this.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:21 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

This deserves a post of its own.

She was there and at one point she and her co-worker friend saw us, said a few words to each other and then walked towards us. I thought they were coming to say something that was how close they got but she and her friend walked behind him as if to say, “here I am and this is my turf.” We did not budge. She stayed in the other room for most of the time from there on out. I was angry that she got this close. She doesn’t care how much she hurt me. That move made it very clear.

Sounds as if his AP is like my wifes AP...has chosen to believe they have done nothing wrong and, therefore, have no intention of changing. My wifes AP still parks his truck between our house and our kids school. He lives miles away...we live 2 blocks from school. So I get the whole taunting bit. Seems this adds to my wifes disgust with the affair...really starting to fully grasp what type of guy she sacrificed so much for....so very different then what she thought she was connecting with.

I see society shifting more and more to the side of affairs are acceptable...just so common anymore it is almost acceptable. Add on to this the whole train of thought that our ultimate destination is our own happiness above everything else...and get it as quickly and easy as you can!. I just read a string in the Wayward forum on here that indicate a SI WS is fine with her choice to commit adultery...even go as far as to brag about being open and honest about their affair with their BS (not sure if it is an affair if it is not a secret, more of an open marriage I think, seems that if both spouses don't agree to an open marriage a D would be the proper route to this persons search for meaning and fulfillment.)...saying to their BS they desire their AP but the BS can remain in the same house, but she is going to chase her fulfillment elsewhere.

This is a real stream of thought in American society today. I should state this thought came from a WS that had an apparent EXIT affair....still curious as to why such a person would be a member of this community? Perhaps to encourage other WS that what they have done is not that bad thus, in turn, consoling themselves in a round about way...subscribing that it really is a BS fault the WS strayed? That the BS really are the ones missing the meaning of life?

I really should stay out of the WS forum for a while...I understand they are struggling with their own demons...and that the ones who post topics similar to what I just referenced may be shortly after their DD...perhaps they are still in a fog, trickle truthing, involved in EXIT affairs, etc..

But I feel strongly both my wifes AP and your husbands AP would post similar strings on here. Thus the creation of AshleyMadison sites.

Really, that is just a commentary on society...has no bearing on my M or my journey. It simply serves as a reminder that if ever I decide to chase a fantasy tied to adultery....I would have plenty of opportunity. sigh.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:02 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

I think you did great considering all that happened.

Try to take it easy on yourself for the next week or so. The processing of it all could get bumpy. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings.

(((LA44)))

As a fellow BS, I am proud of you.

I have a similiar situation to go thru tomorrow, have to go to an event with WH & probably OW will be there.

So,I am going to try to be like you, & hold my head up high.

(((mchercheur))) You got this! I look forward to a similar post soon....a positive one that resembles LA44 post.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:41 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

God be with us all.

Yes.

I could not listen to one more person ask me where I had been

I can so relate to this! When I started working in our business a few months ago, it had been years since I have seen some of our employee's. they were all like "it's about time we get to see you again. Where have you been" I had begged my husband for years to let me help out and work with him but he always refused. Only once I found out about the OW was My help suddenly "needed". When someone asks me that I just want to scream and say "I wasn't around because he was chose his dirty little secret over me" but I don't. I just smile and say our son needed me more at the time.

Thanks to the update LA.

I am with Chico. Take it easy on yourself as you process this. You did a great job!

Thanks you guys. You are too kind. I liked what you wrote about the coincidence, blake bc I didn't think of it like this:

Chances? I am convinced there are no coincidences in life....everything happens for a reason. Due to the whole religion not allowed I wont expand. I have had too many experiences like this, which has lead to more growth, to know this is part of the plan. Key is to NOT dismiss this by thinking it is bad luck, coincidence, or karma....by doing so you miss gaining full wisdom from such occurrences.

I am angry that your wife's ex AP parks so close to your home when he lives miles away. grrrr! And reading what you did in WS sounds pretty upsetting. But as you say, it seems so mainstream. I heard recently that the movie, The Other Woman, makes the wife look like the big ol' witch and the OW as one to feel badly for.

What are we doing people? Hey! I know! Let's write our own movie script. Imagine us all in a room with one keyboard?!

Blake: You are right to say that with regards to drinking. I drank too much and often H encourages it a social sitch and then he used it against me. I just need to stop at 2.

As for H being stressed. He sure was but he rarely spoke of it. Something I think he really needs to work on. I believe he is trying but does not happen so fully and overnight.

@Chicho....

Try to take it easy on yourself for the next week or so.

I will get to the gym for work-out and then yoga. It's also my day to volunteer at the school and the kids always make me smile.

@mchercheur - please keep us posted. So difficult to keep ones head up but I channeled many I admire and knew that the good people on SI would be with me.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. It takes some energy! I have never written anything of this length before and was worried it would get as lost as me.

LA

Blakesteele, this person is here for the same reason we all are. To survive infidelity.

If you have a problem with another member, please feel free to contact a moderator.

Thank you.

?? Did you misread the post Deeply Scared?

bionicgal,

All of the mods read his post.

I should state this thought came from a WS that had an apparent EXIT affair....still curious as to why such a person would be a member of this community?

I've bolded the part that earned the flag. Please feel free to PM any of us with any questions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:31 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Wow. Wonderful telling of your very traumatic weekend. You express so well, so many feelings, that we all have, and your husband responds very much like mine would in similar circumstances. He blames it on the booze and just goes to sleep, LOL.

One of my worst fears is her confronting us and him not treating her horrible and feeling sorry for her. We were around her once and he was attentive and loving, but we were both very tense.

I am so glad there was some "good" in the mix.

Hi LA44,

Hope you are taking it easy now.

I tried to use your example to get myself into a stronger head for today, but OW never showed up, so I guess it was just a trial run, because it is just a matter of time,

sooner or later, I will have to run into her.

I was imagining that she would act the same way (

“here I am and this is my turf.”

)

If that happened my plan was to visualize all of you behind me, at my back.

I too , after a few years of being absent from many of WH's work activities (while the kids were young, & we couldn't afford a babysitter), have decided to reclaim my place at his side. I plan to be very visible at all after work social activities from now on, so sooner or later, I will run into her.

Even tho she didn't show up today, it doesn't hurt for his other co-workers to see me, see us together holding hands, etc., & know that I exist.

Thanks for all the support, & again, LA44, I know how difficult it was.

mchercheur, I am glad my post was helpful to you/helped prepare you. And that you pictured all of us. Yes, She will be there one day and you will need to stay in the moment. My bad moments came after the stressful moments were over! I guess my brain said, "ok...done!"

@Kansas....yes, I had a little of both in the mix. My H and I will be speaking about me drinking and the drinking comment he made. I am certainly a social drinker and do not have anything during the week but admit to going overboard that night and I really cannot do that again bc when the sitch is as emotional as it was throwing booze on top of it made matters worse.

Have a good day you guys. I am happy to have caught up on some sleep!

LA