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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: to confront or not to confront
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Question  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím trying to look at this from all the angles before I decide what to do.

My WH has a coworker that is also a friend of ours & the OW. He knew about the A, but chose not to tell me & possibly did things to facilitate it. I resent that quite a bit. The OW works for a separate company at the same location as them. My H will not be changing jobs, but has established NC.

I want to confront the friend & tell him how I feel, ask him what the last contact that he knows of, and some other questions that would confirm or refute what my husband has told me.

Currently, I show up at my H work randomly & things arenít too uncomfortable. I know if I confront the friend that probably will change. Itís possible my H would then tell me not to come there anymore.

I feel the drama is starting to die down. This may just create more without revealing or accomplishing anything, other than me letting go of my anger & frustration with the ďfriend,Ē if I dare call him that anymore.

Would you confront the friend? Why or why not?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex and I had some "friends" like this. After I found out that they covered for him they ceased to exist for me. I didn't confront them because they were invisible, non-persons as far as I was concerned and they figured that out quite quickly. They tried to maintain contact, even during the separation and for a couple of years after the divorce. They finally got the message that I was not interested in a relationship with them after what they did. Their betrayal, while not as serious as my ex, was still reprehensible and I don't think they deserve to be my friends anymore. So--no, I would not confront your "friend" but he would become the invisible man as far as I was concerned.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2056 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Amber13
♀ Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. They are not worth any ounce of your energy. Concentrate on yourself and your relationship and block them out of your life. Maybe suggest that your other half does too. They are not friends of your marriage.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a joint friend that, while he did not know of my FWHs adultery, did hid the fact that the two of them had had a guy's night out (this part with my blessing) that included lap-dancing and paid grinding against them (not with my blessing) by strippers. They conspired to NOT tell me about it. And this is a man that I considered to be equally friends with me and my FWH. All this came out in the timeline that I demanded and was given.

We were invited to go to this friend's major advancement in rank ceremony on the east coast, a trip that would include a cross-country trip in the winter, staying at hotels, meeting with him and his new wife, and meeting up with the families.

I emailed him, a rather long email, and called him out on his betrayal of me. I told him that I was uncertain if I could attend his ceremony knowing that he had conspired with my FWH to keep such a betrayal from me. And to his credit, he responded by apologizing sincerely for conspiring, for letting himself get drunk enough to think that this was a good idea, to let me know that something like this would never happen again, and to tell me that he would fully understand if I could not come to support him. My FWH and I did fly out and have a lovely time. Had he not apologized in the manner that he had, this friendship would likely have been terminated.

So, what do YOU need from this situation? An apology that you might or might not get? NC from this point on with the "friend?" What? Do you see yourself, under any circumstance, being able to forgive this "friend?" Do you even want to go there?

Dependent upon what you want, you may just want to cut this person from your life from this point on. Personally, I just don't think that I could ever forgive anyone who helped my FWH with his A. It was hard enough to get to the point that I could forgive him, and I love him. I don't think that I could ever love a third party that much.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what do YOU need from this situation?

I guess that is something I need to put some thought into.

Dependent upon what you want, you may just want to cut this person from your life from this point on.

My WH refuses to cut him from his life so right now the way I see it is keep your friends close & your enemies closer.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW and my husband's friend worked for us. The first two times he hung out with the OW his friend went with him. Then shortly after that his friend left to take a different job but they still kept in touch and we hung out with him and girlfriend sometimes. I assumed that his friend knew that my husband continued to take the OW out. I assumed this because my husband had lied to me and said his friend was with him every time he was out with the OW to try to convince me it was just 3 friends hanging out. Even after I found out he wasn't, he let me believe the friend knew about it. I was angry and blamed his friend for part of it. I tried calling the friend and he wouldn't answer. I sent a nice text just asking how many times the 3 of them went out before they decided to go out alone. He wouldn't respond and I couldn't figure out why. So I sent a nasty text thanking him for the small part he played in helping his friend f up his marriage. Still no reply. Then I discover why...his friend had no clue what I was talking about! My husband let me send those texts knowing He didn't know what I was talking about. I felt so stupid that I apologized to him by text and he finally responded saying it was ok and that he only knows what happened the two times he was there. For some strange reason my husband will not take the guys phone calls or reply to his texts since he was busted. His friend keeps trying but my husband just ignores him. Maybe it's shame....I don't know. So make sure the friend knows everything before you confront him. I mad an ass out of myself.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait...this so called friend hid the A and possibly facilitated it and you want to ask him a few questions?
What makes you believe you will get honest answers

The only thing I would do is end that so called friendship, and insis that your WH does as well. You don't need someone like that in your life and certainly not in your M.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1974 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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