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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Epiphanies
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 3 wks ago, after finding out from him that basically everything he had told me (tiny bits of tt here & there) and all I knew about the A were false, I decided to have him write down the timeline of the A - even though he has sworn all along, he can't remember basically anything. He has since, been able to "remember" a few things. I now, once again, know about the time the PA part of it started. Still, he became frustrated and angry and said I would never have enough information and after a year, I should be getting over this.

I realized, we had never truly started R - thanks to this support group, and decided I needed to get away from him and find some clarity in my own head. I took a trip to CA back home (1800 miles away) and so began the worst 2 weeks since Dday. A lot of fighting over the phone over several issues, but fairly R from fights by the time I was to come home.

That night I decided not to ask him all the questions about who he talked to while I was away, what was said and if he had written anymore on his timeline. At 1:30 am he told me BTW, I deleted all my texts & call log, 4 days ago. I was almost speechless. His excuse was "I was mad". No apology no nothing. I went to bed & decided right then, I would commit 100% to 180.

For 4 days, I stayed busy, refused to have any physical contact at all. Barely spoke. He then went to his sister's again and has been gone for 4 days. Since he got there, we have talked on the phone, which made him feel better & gave him "some hope". While at the same time, I felt worse everytime we talked (just realized) because I kept expecting him to tell me some truths, some info, anything, but got nothing.

A couple of days ago, I finally began having epiphanies.
1. This whole year, I have done everything to try to fix things - read, write, printed stuff off for him to read (which some of it he did), waited on him hand & foot, gave him tons of affection & physical contact.
2. He has offered me nothing, though thinks he has been working on things. Only thing he has worked on is watching some of my tv shows with me & recording sports for later when I'm not around. Giving me lots of affection & physical contact. All of which, have not been for me at all, but for him to get his emotional and physical needs met.

3. Even though I thought I had been changing since Dday, I had only been mentally insane and spinning, while doing everything to keep him in the marriage he screwed up.

4. I put him above God I knew I had done this before Dday, but just realized he was still in the way between me & God.

5. I had been praying for God's will & then telling God that his will had to be for us to stay together.

6. Realized that God does have a plan for me, and I have no idea what that is.

7. Became suddenly exhausted with the spinning & the effort and decided I was through trying to control things. Really figured out (though thought I already knew this) that I have no control over what he does or doesn't do, over who he talks to or doesn't talk to. However, I do have control over my actions & reactions.

7. and Finally, I will no longer tolerate a marriage where I am not his 1st priority. I will not do all the work to try to correct his HUGE 6-8 yr MISTAKE. I have written him a list of what i need from him to meet MY Emotional Needs, and if he is willing to do those things (all of them), then I will consider staying in the marriage. If not, I will continue my life & healing by myself for myself & on my own.

I am no longer crazy, no longer panicking about the future, no longer to accept less than I deserve. No longer willing to accept anything other than Rigorous honesty, total Disclosure & Transparency.

This is the most peaceful I have felt in over a year. It is a good feeling that I no longer have to control the issue. Feels good to turn this over to God & let him handle it. Also, turning everything over to my FWH. Also, bought frozen stuff today, so he can fix his own dinner. I am Done building my whole world around him.

When he comes home we will discuss all this and see what he says, and more importantly what he does. All hinges on his change in attitude & behavior. What a relief. I am willing to R, but not committed to anything.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It troubles me each time I read a BS post and it is clear that they are almost begging for the WS to stay with them. This never works!

On Dday my WH begged for a second chance, made promises, expressed a deep desire to change. I told him then and there that if he was allowed the opportunity to remain in my life he could live by my rules or get the f&@k out. I absolutely, positively meant it. Quite frankly, I did not care if he stayed of left, lived or died.
For the last 3 years he has done all that he promised and has worked daily to make it up to me and my children.

You are right...do not hang around if your WS is not making you his/her #1 priority. You have every right to expect them to work their ass off to fix what they destroyed. If they do not care to do that, let them pack their bags and leave...they aren't worth it.

You can't live in fear of him leaving. Let him live in fear of you leaving.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

This

On Dday my WH begged for a second chance, made promises, expressed a deep desire to change. I told him then and there that if he was allowed the opportunity to remain in my life he could live by my rules or get the f&@k out. I absolutely, positively meant it. Quite frankly, I did not care if he stayed of left, lived or died.

and this

Let him live in fear of you leaving.

He did the crime now let him do the time.

This is sound thinking:

I am no longer crazy, no longer panicking about the future, no longer to accept less than I deserve. No longer willing to accept anything other than Rigorous honesty, total Disclosure & Transparency.

This is the most peaceful I have felt in over a year

Good for you. Stay strong honey. This is the best way forward.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken, What an empowering place to be! I am glad you are finding your road to peace.

I am going to read this post over and over again, until it finally sinks in with me. I get part of the way there, but am not fully there yet. I truly want to get there. I have tried so hard to control the outcome -- it really is time for me to let go.

I wish you the very best. I hope you stay strong in your convictions and keep moving to a place of peace and sanity.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! This is huge. Congratulations for taking your power back.

I wish you continued peace.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37104 | Registered: Sep 2007
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why the anger stage is so necessary. The first, and very very human reaction is to beg for someone to stay. To my shame, I did this. But not for long, thank goodness! I was one of the lucky ones whose WS immediately committed to R and followed up. (Not always perfectly, of course.) Regardless, I did the anger stage -- which makes you say, what the hell kind of a chump am I? What the hell is he (or she) doing for ME? What do *I* get out of this crap sandwich? It's a mini 180. I got so pissed off that I shut myself off from him. And he knew I was genuinely trying to figure out whether it was worth it to stay. And it did affect him -- really, the only times when I see him really shaken to his core are when I talk about divorce. And I'm not doing it to threaten him, I'm doing it because I'm really trying to figure out how I can live with this, and he knows this.

So, yes -- you need to make him feel he can lose you -- indeed, that, in his indifference and lack of effort, HE MIGHT ALREADY HAVE DONE SO. I'm so glad you've had this revelation. Lots of strength to you -- hold it close.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, guys! I have been through the anger stage, but mostly just blowing up at him & acting crazy. He has not seen this current stage (really) yet. And it may be easier with him being out of town, but am very serious at this point about what is best for me, for a change.

However, today has been a crying morning. Heard the country song, "Whats Forever For?" and just totally broke down and couldn't quit crying for an hour. I think it is grief from the acceptance that my marriage is probably over. After some meditation, I feel strong again, and trying with all my might to hang on to it!

After I revealed some of this in my 12 step group (for addicts), a member came up to me afterward and told me, that I would have nothing to worry about. Told me I am gorgeous and the best catch in the program. That I deserve the best. Felt really good (and he was not hitting on me - very nice happily married man - or so it appears LOL).

I have been thinking for the last year that they are all on his side. Feeling sorry for poor FWH. Felt good to know that people care about me and don't believe all the bs he spews.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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