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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is a bad idea isn't it
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was at my parents today and found a whole box of pictures of me and OW. In college, at her first wedding, on vacations together, with her kids, at her second wedding, with both of our families etc.

My mom said I should put them in an envelope and mail them to OW with a sticky saying "getting rid of the trash". I am so tempted and want to be rid of them but an pretty sure it would be a bad idea (although it would feel really good).

There is a part of me that really wants to remind OW of our past and everything we'd been through to make her feel guilt over what she did but it won't help,will it? Sigh.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No it won't help. I get where your mom is coming from. We've all wanted to "stick it to them."

It rarely achieves the intended outcome. They consider themselves the victim, and this would be clinching YOU as the "bad guy" in her book.

These things ALWAYS end up having been an expenditure in energy that would have been better utilized doing something positive for ourselves.

NC NC NC.

(((Roses303)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17365 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is much easier when you don't know the AP. I have no desire to have any contact with MOW.
Had she been a "friend" I would have taken the advice of your Mom! i do understand your desire to that but take the advice of Jrazz - it's the best thing to do...make her a non entity in your life. Prove to her that she is absolutely nothing, not worth a minute of your time or a thought in your head.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
TryingEveryday
♂ New Member
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know . . . there is the whole "turn the other cheek" thing. Sure. But personally, I'd send that shit over!!! There is power in dramatic statements. Yep - I'd do it!


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 20 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would burn the pictures...releasing some of the pain from this experience. I think mailing it would nurture that pain.

My wifes AP is a virtual stranger to me....I simply can not imagine the pain of a double betrayal like you, and many others on here, have experienced.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3695 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would burn the pictures as well. Don't give the OW the satisfaction of knowing she takes up space in your head.

I know it's hard. The OW in my case still has pictures of my daughter on Facebook. I'm still tagged in them. I have kept my mouth shut and not asked her to remove them. I'm not sure if it's her pathetic attempt to hang onto her AP (my WH is no longer on Facebook), if she has kept them there to tick me off or if she doesn't look at her own wall. Regardless it doesn't impact my life anymore.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 6:40 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know my husband's AP's, but his LTA, I did send the watch she'd given him as a gift, after I'd smashed it in a hundred pieces, along with a letter. I didn't want a response, didn't ask for one. I just wanted to say what I needed to say. How she reacted, I don't know, don't care.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the others are probably right about not sending them, but, I don't think I would be able to keep myself from it.

I am so sorry you suffered a double betrayal. I just can not imagine the pain.

((((Roses))))



me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about making it symbolic? Burn them and then take the ashes and go to someplace that brings you peace and release them into the air. Clearing away the clutter and trash to make a new start.

Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too can understand where your mom is coming. I would be very tempted to send the photos as well but after thinking about it, I think NC is better. I agree that you shouldn't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you even think of her anymore.
Burn them after you scribble all over her face and tear them to shreds!

Your D'day is so recent and what you have been dealt is so cruel. My heart really goes out to you. I just want you to know that I have learned that the pain does get better slowly but not until you look after yourself first. I wish you all the best ((((Roses303))))


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had one photo of OW, her BH, my FWH and me taken on a dinner cruise when we were visiting them at their mountain cabin.

It gave me an immense sense of satisfaction to feed it through the shredder. I then found news clippings about OW in FWH's files and shredded those, too. It really felt good.

I would not send the photos you found to the OW. I agree with the others, NC!


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 398 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about your dear mama sending them? Did your mama know her? If your mama sent them with a note of her choosing, I feel that would be satisfying. You remaining NC and your mama getting to protect her child and giving the interloper a shot, sounds good to me.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9663 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm. That is an idea--having my mom send they. It is particularly galling that many of the pictures from the OWs first wedding were taken in my family home. My mom did her hair and the bridal party got ready there before heading over to the ceremony. OW didn't just betray me, she betrayed my whole family who knew and loved her.

I still don't think we'll do it. It wouldn't do any good. The fact that she pursued my husband over half of my marriage indicated that the woman has no shame what so ever. In fact last summer, while she was in the midst of the affair, we went to their family 4th of July party, at which we went through her old scrapbooks - with our kids. She know our history. She doesn't think it matters.

I really can't do anything about it except try to rewrite history and you all know how hard that can be. I must just keep repeating the mantra "it takes time, it takes time, it takes time"


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Flowerforme
♀ New Member
Member # 38497
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burn them But your mom has a wicked sense of humour...love it!


Bgf-me
WWBf-ugh
DD Aug.1/2012 with an ex gf had been seeing her the entire time we were together..

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know from fWH's OW's desperate emails before she was blocked that she hates having no insight into our lives. Don't even give OW a glimpse into your thought or feelings. If you do, I think she'll feel powerful and important, not remorseful.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really boggles the mind how someone can live with themselves after doing this. But the right answer is to not even try to imagine, because it's true: they just.don't.care. They will not be shamed or reach an epiphany of how horrible they were. And believe me, I know the instinct of wanting them to feel shame and remorse. But if they were capable of that in the first place, they wouldn't have done it.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love SisterMilkshake's solution.
Your mother could have done it without your knowledge, so it does not give OW any info about what is going on in your head.

It would, however, give OW a very strong message about what the older generation thinks about what she did.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say skip it.

One moment of pleasure is not worth knowing you aren't the more mature, rational person for the long haul.

When you are in your 80s are you going to look back and say, "I regret not sending so and so those pictures." I highly doubt it. The idea is to make her go away. Doing this is not a good use of healing energy you can use for yourself.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burning or some other cathartic activity for you with the photos. Don't send. She isn't worth the time or postage.

It is horrible that you have to go through this double betrayal of you. Thinking of you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. Its heartbreaking. The OW is in my wedding pictures and after D Day, I actually missed her. She was one of my best friends. She was at my hen night too and I talked to her about all the excitement and fears I had about getting married.

But they were never our friends. They won't be moved or guilty. Just throw the photos out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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