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User Topic: is it enough?
confusedsad
♀ New Member
Member # 39298
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being raised and still being active mormons, sex outside of marriage has never been ok. Before or after marriage. So my husbands reason for his affair is that he thought I was done with our marriage. Instead of communicating that to me, as soon as a woman started paying attention to him, he jumped right on that, literally. He was willing for sex with her 1 week after the dating/make out sessions started. So my question for you is- Is that enough of an excuse. Should I dig for more? Is it that easy to throw away all of your morals so quickly for a little pleasure?

We are trying to r and it has been 10 months but there is no way I can totally get over this. I will never think of him the same. This just feels like a deal breaker but then I feel bad because he is trying so hard.


Me- Betrayed - married 16 years
Him- 2 week affair with someone at work
9 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013 | From: confusedsad
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,

That excuse is Number 42 right out out of the Wayards Handbook, First Edition.

You have every right to ask what exactly was it that made him think that, and more importantly, why he chose to act it out with another woman rather than talk it out with the one he made his vows to.

But, in the end, it's not about you, or what you did or didn't do in your marriage. It's about his poor choices while toiling in the "Land of Opportunity" known as Work.

So No, that answer is not enough, not even close to enough. Not even an answer, really.

At 10 months out, you should expect to still be hurting. For most of us, the healing process takes years. But as one wiser than me said here on SI, it's not the time that heals, it's what you and your WS do with that time. You deserve better.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 12:26 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, that is not enough. Because unless you expressly said "I am done with out M. I want a D, you may date other people" then he is just making excuses for his wanting to play around. Clearly there is more at play here then him thinking you were done with the M. Why does he need/desire validation from other women? Why was he not able to communicate with you what he needed from the M, etc. True R will be nearly impossible unless he is willing to get real and dig a little deeper.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like this is part of my H's reasoning too (or at least how he justified it to himself then), that and his KISA attitude coupled with bad boundaries. When I ask him why he didn't talk to me about it he says he didn't know how. We're both conflict avoidant but I would like to think if I felt things were so bad that I was contemplating an affair that would have scared me enough to bring it up :(

[This message edited by AML04 at 12:46 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents had a temple marriage - I'm 5th generation, born in covenant.

My father had repeated affairs. My mother had 1 revenge affair (that I know of). They were married for 22 years before they separated, and ultimately divorced. My father never rec'd any type of church discipline, and my mother stopped attending after becoming the painful brunt of gossip.

My father's father also had repeated affairs. Eventually he left his eternal bride (who was in a wheelchair due to debilitating RA) and their 3 almost-grown children for a much younger woman -- whom he eventually converted, along with her 5 children.

He was excommunicated initially, but returned after a year. You wouldn't believe the amount of praise he rec'd from church leadership for bringing her and her children to the church. He even made the front page of the Church News (this was in the 1970's)!

Never mind the family he left behind to do it.

My experience with the church and infidelity is that it's easily rugswept.

I've since left the church, and I married a man who was never a member.

He cheated.

I haven't.

There are countless Christian leaders who have fallen into the trap of infidelity. Countless Mormon leaders. Countless Atheists...school teachers, doctors, and other professionals whom people would expect to adhere to a a monogamous moral compass.

Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with religion or spirituality.

It has everything to do with the inability to set personal boundaries and adhere to them.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Topic Posts: 5

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