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User Topic: What would make a single OW pursue a married man?
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What little I know of the OW in our case, she came from a "low life" background ( her father was a criminal & it was in the papers) which probably made her feel a lot of shame about herself. She probably saw WH as a very successful family man at the top of his field. Hooking up with him would have greatly raised her social status.

but also, I think you are right about this:

she got off on breaking up a relationship. It fed her ego to get a man to choose her over his wife.

Some just think that the A makes them special.

It is difficult to believe that there are such evil people in the world. I would love to think that most people have good hearts.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Dec 2012
Butterfly7904
♀ New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW in my case met my husband when they were both drunk in a lounge in vegas. Her and her married friend hit on my husband and his friend and they walked the girls up to their room (had sex) and both couples continued on a two month long distance affair (5000 miles. I asked the OW in a text, what she had hope to gain out of all this and she said that they would end up together of course. She asked him once where this was going and he said he shrugged his shoulders and she got upset. He NEVER made any promises of a future, he NEVER said he would leave me, but yet she still wanted him. When he ended it she said I never get what I want I know when they first met he talked about our vacation home, our trucking company and paid for all her drinks. He then sent pictures of everything we own... trucks, atvs, boat, home, camper, work trucks, he even told her when he bought me a new escalade. I believe she is 40, single, working two jobs, paying rent with a roommate, and she saw a easy way out with nothing to lose. Why she thought he would ever bring her up to Canada, to a small town where we both grew up and both our families live, leave me and introduce his new homewrecking whore is beyond me. She is disgusting and allowed a man she had only known two hours, drunk in vegas to fuck her with NO CONDOMS. She obviously has major issues. Oh and she also told my husband she loved him. She had only met him twice and talked on the phone with him for a couple months,knew he was a cheater and liar but she LOVED him.

[This message edited by Butterfly7904 at 11:25 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok yep another single Whore..
She likes married men.. Told me H her sob story and the idiot fell for it.. when she asked where oits going he said" no where.. I love my wife and family" really could have fooled me.. Then she tells him sob story 2.."I am so tired of being the OW" ... Really my H is so fucking stupid..
He asked her why are you with an old guy anyway... Find someone single someone your age...she's like" I like more mature men, guys my age are so unreliable" Well..Why cuz she's squatty, fugly and chubby and stubby.. No single man would touch with a ten foot pole.. Plus a fucking mental bipolar bitch... she gets her kicks at ruining good people's lives..
Here's the good part. She tells him.. "Well you are like my dad... And my mom says that was the love of her life". So my H why is your name different than your moms..she says" oh well they had a really difficult romantic relationship. She has her previous husbands name.. and I now have my fathers name since when he died all these people kept contesting his children. They got married a year before he died when I was 23." So turns out she is the OC.. And my H reminded her of her father".. I don't know what kind of A fog existed but honestly I don't respect my H for believing or falling for that Whores stories running my daughter and my life.
Fuck them both.. I can't wait for karma to burn her ass down.. I just hope I am near by to see it..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think when they are so self absorbed and messed up, they see a married man as instant gratification. They know they have a job, they will get an instant family, that if they got married once they'd probably do it again...especially since they are soooooooo special and deserve all the happiness in the world. They think they are too good to have to go through what make a real relationship and can just step right in and replace the wife.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Desperate woman and married man are a match made in heaven

Actually, they're a match made in Hell.

[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 11:49 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TCD,
I think you're on to something


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some single women date married men to avoid commitment. Some date married men because they at least know a married guy is capable of comitting. Some just think that the A makes them special. Some are bored. Some get caught up the drama.

There really are lots of reasons.


I will add to DCK's assessment and say some absolutely have no morals and would do anybody any time, regardless of whether they are married.

There's all kinds of reasons, but if they cry when they get dumped, more often than not, I believe it is because they are hurting. (Not that I care!)

One thing I truly have come to believe about a lot of people is that they often lack empathy, especially in situations where they are attempting to take something they want from someone else. They feel entitled to that something, and when they don't get it, or lose it their feelings are real, and they don't even consider the person whom they were "taking something" from. Their own feelings count, but nobody else's do.

The whore from my situation was actually married herself, but I believe she thought my H would be a step up for her, from her own spouse. She had an A with him when she was much younger, and he was married to his first wife. She was married that time also, to someone else, not that my H ever bothered to tell me that. I found out through my own investigations when I became more curious about what their history was. To this day, my H can't tell me where this supposed H was. I'm guessing he was in the military and she was staying with her parents. He did tell me her parents encouraged the A!

If I make guesses he will just say, "yes, I think that is right." He claims not to remember. It was 25 years prior to the A that happened in our M, and he does not have a good memory but you would think he would remember THAT.

But knowing how my H is, and with what I have figured out about the Whore, I think she likely highly romanticized him based partly on the fact he had an A with her when she was young. She probably thought he was "noble" for dumping her and going back to his wife.

During our M, she went after him after the deaths of his mother and DD, when he was out of his mind with grief. This is not to let my H off the hook for his part, but it was 7 years ago and to this day, I feel it was at least as much, if not more her fault this happened. I do not believe she could have been "just anyone." She was a very specific person who decided to use a very specific set of events to better her chances, and it worked, up to a point. Of course she got dumped. Again. And of course she cried. In fact I got to hear her blubbering and bawling on the phone when she attempted to leave voicemails for my H after she'd been dumped.

I'll bet she thought he was "noble" during our M too because he would not allow himself to be alone with her for long enough for her to try to get him involved in sex. Even though they said ILY to each other and verbalized plans to run off together, I'm fairly certain in her mind this reinforced in her what a good guy he was, and her life would be so wonderful if she won him (she most definitely planned to dump her H if mine would be her new meal ticket).

She also saw him as a very successful business man and "admired" him. I'm sure she was able to tell herself that I didn't appreciate him and didn't deserve him.

Even though she was (is still) married, I mostly put her with the group of usually single OWs who actually go after what they believe is a committed family man, because they think that is what they are going to get, if they get him away from his wife. My H would talk about the trips we take, the things we do together and certain women seem to really show signs they would go after that because they are jealous of the life we live. It starts seemingly innocent with them just comparing their own man unfavorably, and saying "how lucky your wife is" that you do this and that and the other thing. I hope she appreciates that! And then they would cleverly look for the bad days the man might have had at home, or any sign they might have an inroad to pursue...and they do it!


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ow was divorce mother of 3. I think she may be trying to boost her ego or is seeking revenge.

Her husband cheated on her with prostitutes.

She has had at least one other a with a married man.

Comment to h, "I can get any man I want"

Comment to me via text on dday, "you and I both know I am not the problem"

She confessed her sin to h, telling him she had been speaking to her priest about her sin.

I think she has never recovered from her husbands betrayal. She is so broken from it. She has never done the work to heal herself and she is trying to build her self esteem in unhealthy ways.

She did pursue h. Of course he opened the door to her.

She had no responsibility to me as an individual but for the life of me I just cannot understand how you go through that pain and then knowingly inflict on others.

Her subject of interest, her hook for h, was constantly texting about the "perfect" life, the "perfect" relationship. Something she will never attain as long as she continues this path.

Karma's gonna get you...

How can you not learn from this experience? How can you not gain compassion for others after going through it? To me, after going through this, I could never, never, never inflict this pain, be a party to this pain. How do you live with yourself? Narcissistic???


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really interesting

I was speaking to WH mentor (so not too close) who is also a BW

she said that it is always one of two things

the thrill of taking someone 'that someone else owns'

or it's because they don't want an entirely committed relationship. But a lot of the perks

Both shows that they don't have respect for other people.

She seems to think it's different for men though.

Huge generalisation but it rang true to me


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case OW was a lesbian. Ex claimed they never slept together but only he knows the truth.

I posted a thread a few weeks ago and got some interesting responses regarding homosexual women having 40% more male sexual partners than heterosexual women as they are not emotionally attached. Certainly very fitting in my case as she went complete NC with ex when I told her GF about the A. Proves how much they really loved each other!

In any case, I think women who meddle with attached men are just broken. Just as much as the attached men who have A's are.

I'm just glad I escaped from having to be in a relationship with such a lame effort of a human being.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
noprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course every OW has her own messed up reasons for destroying a marriage For mine:

1) she's entitled, this girl was never told "no" in her entire life
2) major daddy issues. The A started when she was 20 and my H was 45 - her dad died when she was 10
3) she loved the DRAMA of being the OW. She fed on it. It made her feel like a grown up...the intrigue, the danger, etc...

[This message edited by noprincess at 7:23 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh's ow falls under the desperate catagory.

She was divorced for the second time by age 36. Supposedly, her xh cheated on her. There is more to the story like her broken promise to him

She wanted the white picket fence sans kids. She couldnt find anyone except a married sa who at the time had a pregnant wife and toddler at home.

Small town. We know a lot of the same people. She knew he was married but chose to believe his lies. Hell, this past february she said to me, "I believe everything (wh name) tells me". What a shame.

She promised to share her inheritance (so far not a penny), promised he could live with her for free (he said free would last a month or 2), she funded both our moves (2007 and 2012) and probably his lawn mower ($3000) and who knows what else.

Ive read a fow who wrote here that she didnt think about the bs until the bs made waves. Then the ow demonized the bs so she could make what she was doing right in her head.

There could be many reasons why a female goes for a mm. The challenge. The thrill of winning. Desperation of not having a man and a mm being easy pickings (not much competition bc most women wouldnt go for a mm).

Truth is both the mm and ow have severe issues.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 7:25 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8413 | Registered: Sep 2007
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beats me??? I know in my case the OW was single but she also was an old fuck buddy of WH#2 before we married. She called him one day at work and he took her up on her offer. From what I could conclude from my investigation she was married and divorced twice (don't know why). She was looking for someone to take care of her and WH#2 did it for sex. She of course fell in Luuuvvve with WH#2 and thought she could just take over my life and home and he lead her to believe it. She thought I would just leave him after she outed the A and they would carry on as usual. She is a minimum wage worker, with grown kids that live with her. It is sickening that he would risk our marriage and everything we worked for, for someone that he just wanted to screw because she would. It shows me that they are both fucked up in the head and that I probably should see someone for trying to R with an idiot.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW came into our home as a medical professional. WH was going through a mental health crisis and I had just had our second son 5 weeks earlier. There we were, 2 year old, newborn, overwhelmed new mom, husband going through mental health crisis. We welcomed her with open arms, relieved to have someone to help us, someone who cared. She held our newborn, my 2 year old brought her books to read. I cooked meals for her at a time when I wasn't even on my feet much cooking for my family. Within weeks she was fucking WH and would brag afterwards to him "I feel no guilt whatsoever!" A few weeks later she was trying to get an appointment for WH to see a divorce lawyer and telling him how she wanted him to walk out on us. I don't know what the fuck makes these women tick. Have a hard time believing they're not just plain evil.

My god - that is a whole new level of sick and twisted.

xOW (#2) was a divorced mother of 2 small children. She was D because she had a A because she was "bored" FWH knew her from HS and we ran into her at a bar in 2006 and in hindsight...now I know...she pretended to befriend me to get closer to him...

To her, trying (I say trying because she did not succeed) to take my H from me, IMO, stems from her alcoholism, childhood FOO issues and mental illness. He was a KISA to her..(fixing things at her house, we would both babysit her kids), and she is the "all about me" personality type.

Her mother is the same way - she had several As and felt entitled to what made her "happy"

Like I said above, it takes a special kind of evil for an OP to purposely sabotage a marriage for their happiness.

Side note - FWH was NOT blameless in this...he had very poor boundaries, was emotionally immature, which was a huge part of sending him to EA land. He didn't get off easy by any means. Lots of IC/MC and lots of work to earn back my trust. I took my vows with him, not OW; therefore, I owe her jack shit.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5086 | Registered: May 2007
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Butterfly. Our OW seem to be similar.

She is a twice divorced mother of 4. She pays rent to her mother. Drives a beat up car. Works from home making just slightly more than minimum wage. Is on welfare.

She was after my DH before he and I were married. She pursued him relentlessly. I even warned him about her the first time I met her. He laughed and said, yeah like I would have have anything to do with that skank (oh how things change).
She was looking for someone to take care of her. My DH has a great job. We have a nice home, I have a new car. I don't have to work. She wanted my life. And no matter how many times he told her that he would never leave me. That he loved me (I guess he did at the time, as well as his broken self could love anyone). That she was just a fuck buddy, yes he flat out told her that was all she was to him. She still thought he would one day leave me to be with her full time and she was willing to carry on the A as long as it took for him to decide to leave me so she could have him full time. Funny thing is, I left him without knowing about the A. The first thing he did was dump her and he hasn't talked to her since, other than once, April of last year, to tell her that we were back together and he never wanted to see her talk to her again. She had been stalking him and emailing him constantly since I had left and he had dumped her begging him to come see her which is why he established NC.

I can't imagine having that low of a self image that you would think that being nothing but a cum dumpster was good enough.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
crestfallen
♀ Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My OW wanted stuff! Plain and simple....a very shallow woman who told my H.... Everyone does this, let's just have some fun? After the fun, a trip to the designer mall because, "this is how it works."

She constantly asked for a car, credit cards and more vacations, dinners and meetings in 5 star hotels.

She is just a big wanna be.


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
september rain
♀ Member
Member # 18855
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly cannot speak for all OW, of course, but I can give my own former reasoning and perspective, if no one minds. I don't want to step on any toes or upset anyone.


Remorseful, ashamed and "recovered" FOW and FWSO
Newly married and afraid of the Karma bus

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2008
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Septemberrain: I would be interested in hearing your perspective.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP in our case was married and I think chose a married man on purpose. She married her H for money and wanted to keep her comfy life. This way she could be sure of no entanglements.

The thing that gets me is that in spite of this I think she was still determined to break up our marriage. I don't know if it was so WH would be more available when she wanted to see him or if it was just about "winning".

Their thought patterns don't make any sense and I don't think are anything we can ever understand.

Thank heaven.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Septemberrain, I am also interested in your reasoning.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 55
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