I hope this helps and I give you a virtual hug.
Hang in there, it will get better now matter what happens.
PS - You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband was the one who made the terrible choice to be unfaithful. He should be the one that is ashamed. Dont forget that.
[This message edited by coda87 at 1:02 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Please don't feel ashamed with your real friends. My husband not only cheated, but left me for our children's friend's mother in town so many people in town know. I felt extremely embarassed, to the point of almost having panic attacks just grocery shopping worrying about running into her or someone that knew but the more you heal and get your self-esteem back, you back, you will realize more and more that it is HIM that will be embarassed and ashamed. You need real friends to help you and talk. You may even be surprised when you start opening up to people about your situation, how many others have gone through something similar, or know someone that has...almost EVERYONE! It helps to know you're not alone and YOU have nothing to be ashamed about.
There is nothing wrong with trusting your husband!
I donít know how to Ďget overí this. I donít know how to fix the hurt inside of me and I donít know how to have him in my life and trust him.
You DON'T get over it. I didn't want to hear this at the start because it was such unbearable pain like I've never imagined humans could feel, but it really does take a long time to heal. We have a headache, we take a pill, we get betrayed in the most disrespectful possible way, we can do nothing to "fix" it. There is no pill. All we want to do is make it go away but there is that ugly four letter word, time.
Right now, you don't need to worry about trusting him. That is not possible right now and honestly, he doesn't deserve it right now. He will have to earn it and whether he likes it or not, it will take a long time and hard work to do that. Those are his consequences. Please make this his burden more than yours. You did nothing wrong! Remember, you take on 50% of the marital issues, you take on 0% of the cheating. He bares 100% of that!
Do not let the anger stay under the surface. I also do this because, one, I really wasn't given a choice in the beginning. He left. But he wants to come back and work things out but I find myself keeping things in just to avoid "going there" but if I can't open up to him, what kind of marriage is that? I have told him recently that if he is not willing to help me through the pain, I will do it on my OWN. I am not going to do this on my own though and he expect to be by my side in the end. He needs to go through it with me or not.
It is extremely difficult and I am totally understanding of your situation and wish you the best. Please keep posting and do something nice for yourself. This is the time in your life to get a little selfish. Me time! It's probably hard to take this advice early on, but as the weeks go by, the me-time will be enjoyed more and more and you will get stronger doing things for yourself. YOU and the kids are most important. Take care!
This might be the best description of what happens to the betrayed I have ever read.
I have been shattered to a million pieces and put back together all wrong.
I am 18 months from D-day. I can tell you it's hard and it's absolutely insane. It's like reality has betrayed you. Your world is turned on end and nothing seems real.
This passes with time. I think time is the only thing that makes this better.
I don't know if it gets better but you just get used to it. I have a friend from Lebanon. She recently went back home. I asked her "how was it"? She said there were a few car bombings but nothing big. I remarked "it's amazing what you can get used to". This is no different.
I can tell you that one day it will be OK. This process will teach you a lot of things that you never wanted to learn. A lot of things about you and some about him. The things you learn about you will be good. The things you learn about him, not so much.
I learned somethings about my WW. I learned what she was truly capable of. She learned last night that she had truly extinguished the romantic loving feeling that I felt for her. One day it may return, maybe.
Don't be afraid to get away for a while. It helped just to be away from the craziness. Go to the zoo or something. Go for a walk or go workout. Early on running helped clear my head.
You have to accept that you are in a different reality now. Things are just different. For me a big help is posting on here. That seems to make me feel better most days.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
I have found that if I concentrate on my kids (seeing them happily play, doing things I enjoy with them etc) that gives me true happiness. It puts things into perspective for me: that even if we get divorced, I have these wonderful kids. I will figure out single parenthood (it scares me so much but I CAN do it!!) But I'm also open to trusting my heart and seeing if R is possible. We have a lot at stake and I don't want to rush it.
I would suggest feeling all your emotions, whatever they are. In my IC I was told to not brush any feelings away, feel them all, deal with them all in order to be able to eventually move on.
8 months since DDay and I still struggle whether to stay or leave. It was our 13yr anniversary last Monday and i felt very conflicted about it. The hurt I felt was so intense that day , as now it doesn't mean anything special anymore but pain and betrayal. My WH is doing everything a remorseful husband should but many days I feel so unsure about the future. On the eve of our anniversary, I told him that I'm giving myself , our marriage and him a year to work out the best way to take. I told him he has one year to convince me he has changed for the better and behavior should be consistent. Anything other than total 180 from his cheating behavior would so mean he is out of my life and my daughter's. I told him that I have now come to a point where I've decided that one misstep by him during the one year period will mean me walking out on our marriage.
They say we will feel better with time - but recovery takes a long time.
Hugs to you.
[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 4:37 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
The only advice I will give at this time is to wait. Wait for the turmoil in your soul to die down a bit. Making a stay/go decision this close to DDay is never a good idea. The emotions are too raw, and a decision made entirely on emotions is usually not the right one.
I will echo what a few others have said: You do need to come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same again. They just won't. You can get past the anger and the triggers and the resentment with time, but in the end the act was still committed, and though you forgive you will never forget. The real question then becomes not stay or go, but can you live with the fact that your relationship with your WH will never be the same.
But take time first. Time for you. Time to heal, to better yourself, to remind yourself of who you really are and what you really want out of life.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.