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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why is this man baking cakes for my kids?
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, I too am praying for you and the safety of your kids. And it's so wrong to say, but I wish your STBX would just f*cking DIE. I've never wished that on anyone before, but I do on him. (Sorry if that's offensive.)


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 363 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG))) I hate that man. I can't stand it.

I am confused. Why is it that I see posts from others that they can put in their orders no one can have overnight visitors when they have visitation, but you can't compel the same from him, or background checks of who else is living there? I guess I am confused how this was not included in the visitation arrangement. I'm sure you probably explained before and I've forgotten. This is all kinds of wrong.

There is no way to do a well check on the kids, and have the officer take down the info of the man there? There has to be some kind of loophole you can use. Maybe your kids can take a picture of the man, find out his name? Somebody go visit on your behalf? Something?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jun 2011
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, pls PM me when you can. I may honestly be able to help you out. THX.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 363 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand it either. I've asked my atty about this. I wanted to have a no overnight visitor thing, but STBX's attorney wouldn't hear of t. I cannot include a provision in the final decree prohibiting STBX from having roommates, nor can I have wording that prohibits roommates from being there when my kids are. The court presumes that STBX is a fine, upstanding parent capable of making good decisions in the best interest of the children. There is the presumption of innocence. I would have to change the US Constitution in order to change this presumption.

I cannot force background checks or anything like that due to privacy laws.

All evidence I've presented of STBX's past & present behavior has not been viewed by the judge. He refused to look at anything as well as refused to read the parenting evaluation. All he did was ask if both parties would agree to the recommendations of the parenting evaluator. STBX's attorney initially said no, but when my attorney said that if that was the case I was prepared to disclose everything in open court, so STBX's attorney said yes, they agree. So the recommendation was made and the judge didn't have to read anything. I don't think he has a CLUE what the problem is.

If I send the police or CPS over there I will be prosecuted for harassment.

I know it is hard to believe what I'm saying. I know it because I still have a hard time believing it. My lawyer often serves as a GAL and judge pro temp. He knows WTH he's talking about when he tells me what we can and cannot do. The presumption of innocence is what we're running up against here. Also, you cannot PREVENT child abuse. You can't. I am dismayed at the lax & flaccid legal system in our country when it comes to protecting children. Things make no sense.

If my child were being bullied at school and it went to court, I could testify and I'd be a credible witness. That's because it would be in the criminal court system. However, if something is going through the family court system I am no longer considered a credible witness. In fact, I'm not allowed to testify at all. In the criminal system I could testify about what my child told me and share my observations about my child. In the family court system I cannot do that, everything I would have to say would be considered heresay and second-hand. That's why my daughter can tell me that Daddy used to come into her room at night & lie down on top of her, but I can't do a thing about it. Believe me, I've tried. My child, due to her age, is considered an unreliable witness, and me, due to my relationship with STBX, considered a hostile witness. Furthermore, what I'd have to say would be heresay. Invalid

Our family court system is fucked, people.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I can't send you a PM because it says you're at your limit. I wanted to share something of a more spiritual nature, that might be against the rules here.

Again, I can't understand why the system isn't protecting your kids in the face of all the evidence you have. But I KNOW God can protect them and I truly am praying for extra protection around them at all times.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my girls were younger, we were visiting family out-of-state. I had an uncle who had recently been accused of molesting a little girl. I didn't know if he did or didn't. He had never done anything to me but he did seem to have an odd interest in children. At the same time, he had some issues that made him mentally unable to deal well with adults. Anyway, I just didn't know one way or the other. I didn't want to punish a possibly innocent man but I also didn't want to put my kids in potential danger. I didn't think I'd even have to worry about it but he asked to take my youngest to the store to buy squirt guns for all the kids.

She wanted to go very badly and I didn't want to damage the little time we had with family we never see. So I allowed her to go on the condition that he also take her older sister. I then took my older daughter aside and explained that she was absolutely not to leave her sister's side. I explained that he didn't have a lot of experience with children so I expected her to stay with her sister and that her sister was not to be left alone with him even for a moment.

They went and there were no incidents.

Of course, you have the issue of trying to keep peace with a man you barely know like I did with my Uncle. Your children are elementary school age. That is old enough to explain about child molesting and grooming behavior and why you are worried. It also old enough to explain how offended the man would be if he weren't doing that and they told him about your discussion. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter if he gets offended or not because his behavior is ODD. Any normal person would consider it odd so if he has a problem with it, tough crap. He wouldn't go around explaining how "safe" his Christianity makes him if someone hadn't told him his behavior was odd at some point.

So sit them down and explain exactly what your fears are and why they should be extremely cautious. Explain that most people are good people but when people start over-explaining who they are or doing things that other people find odd, it's always wise to be cautious.

You really can't do more than that for now. If your husband gets pissed and takes you to court over it, maybe you'll get a judge who understands once you've explained the extremely odd behavior of this man.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:17 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3928 | Registered: Sep 2005
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG)))
Can you make your presence known at that house?

If creeper cake-baker knows you are watching, you don't like him, and you are just waiting for a slip up to call the cops, he may back away.

Nothing causes roaches to scatter faster then a light shown on them.

Can you stop by unannounced because the kids "accidentally forgot" something?? Maybe you can get his license plate number to get his name and run a background check.

((hugs))


Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like creepy grooming....and my antennae are pinging like crazy.

That said, my father's cousin has spent decades doing legitimate business (electronics) in Thailand, spending much time there doing completely un-creepy things. So that alone doesn't set of alarms.

The "I'm safe" and candy-laden cake thing is what worries me.

Trying awfully hard to be the Fun Guy Kids Love, kwim?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8307 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NG)))

FWIW - you can take a cake on a plane. you just can't take liquids through security. It would be giant pain in the ass but you get my point.

if it were me, i would do whatever it took to get those roommate's names. A PI perhaps? I would want a background check in a heart beat!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this!! You are absolutely right to be concerned (but you already knew that) and it must be hell knowing there is so little you can do.

I have no advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that I care.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 989 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I KNOW God can protect them

really? God?

Well god never protected me from child abuse...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm sure your lawyer is fantastic and the such. Just wondering if it is possible for you to do an annoymous report through CPS?

I did this in my coutry after harrasing the police to look into my brother and sister's situation.

That way 'annonymous' loged the following;

"I believe that Nature Girl's husband has a man continuously grooming ____, ____, ____ at ______ for _____."

If possible I would get as many people to lodge it as possible. Ofcourse recieve reciept numbers so if you have the equivalent of a FOI request it that way.

Can you make your presence known at that house?

If creeper cake-baker knows you are watching, you don't like him, and you are just waiting for a slip up to call the cops, he may back away.

I would also go overy to STBX's place with a cake. Simply state _____ seems to be making so mannyyyy cakes! Can I meet your friend?

If this works take a photo and reverse image the fuck out of it.


A PI perhaps? I would want a background check in a heart beat!

Yes a PI, I really do not think you can let this one go under any circumstances


Also strongbutbroken was refering to: http://napcan.org.au/ incase you tried to use the link

[This message edited by lauren123 at 9:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I think you're getting bad advice from your attorney. I don't think the state will retaliate against you for calling CPS. That said, if you're truly afraid, you need to sit down with a mandatory reporter (someone from the kids' school perhaps) and tell them about your concerns. Make sure it's someone you can trust. Be prepared for the allegation to not be taken seriously unless something happens but make sure that these concerns are documented by CPS. I know you're acting on advice and I know you're afraid but as an educator and mandatory reporter, what you've posted here has the hair on the back of my neck standing straight up. This guy is a predator.

Also, I'm really measuring my words here so I don't run afoul of a really important rule but I have to say that "trust [insert your deity of choice] to protect your children from a predator" has to be the most irresponsible piece of advice I've ever read here.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:18 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1551 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you're afraid but as a ...mandatory reporter,

excactly, if a parent or a child started telling me about this I would of lodged an alarm.

TBH probably would not of gone anywhere. But the point is it has to be done.

I will let you know I have lodged a report before and I would reallly look into who you tell. Very important as many mandatory reports get scared really fast, can get watered down quickly.
Also as I will be a mandatory reporter in a different field soon i would look into your state/country laws into who are mandatory reporters.

I'm suprised your child's IC has not done one? Maybe it's different to AUS


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give your kids a cell phone, one with a camera. Have them take it with them when they go to your STBXH's house. Just tell them you are giving it to them so they can call you whenever they want. Show them how the camera works.

You could also get them a camera.

The kids will be excited about their new "toy" and if they are like my kids...they will take a lot of pictures.

Google has an image search where you can search similar images. You may have to crop the picture to just the roomate but you might be able to find info online about him that way. Maybe even get a name.

Christmas is coming up. A new phone or camera would make a great gift for the kids. It doesn't have to be an expensive one either.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4680 | Registered: Feb 2008
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....and now I understand why you asked the passport question....

IMHO, I think that you need to find a new L because yours sounds like a pansy who is letting your deviant stbx's L run circles around him. He sounds passive as hell. Why didn't YOUR L object to the parenting evaluation?

I understand that the court system is more *reactive* in situations like this than *proactive* (thanks to all of the jerks that have brought bogus, *cry wolf*, vindictive and not based on fact or on *real* danger claims to court in the past).....but, lady...where the hell do you live that your kid claimed that her dad came in, laid on top of her....and her claim was *basically* blown off??? (rhetorical...I'm climbing down from my soap-box now.....)

Perhaps it's time for you to stop relying on the legal system and start being creative because you need to do an end-around on the *system*. Have you considered contacting any type of *advocacy* groups? Sometimes there are advocacy groups that are just sitting around and waiting for cases like yours to happen and get behind in an effort to *force* a change in the law.......think of some type of grass-roots *protect the children* type of organization. They have their own L's that are waiting in the wings to deal with this type of crap.

Also. Screw the privacy laws. You haven't violated anyone's privacy until they bring a claim against you and win. (and those claims typically come down to: *what* was invaded vs. *why* (the motive behind the invasion.) So, don't go rifling through his mailbox or snooping around his house without permission....but find out who these roommates are. There is nothing illegal about one of your kids *happening* to see a piece of mail lying around while they are at his house (legally) that contains a first and last name on it...and then telling you that "billy joe smith baked me a cake!" Of course that would require duplicity on the part of one of your kids....and I'm not sure that any of your kids are *there* yet. Or, if these room-mates don't know what you look like, just *happen* to be somewhere that they are and start chatting them up and get their name. Do what you need to do, within legal parameters (maybe playing in the gray area), to protect your kids.

I absolutely hate to read about how terribly the system is working in your situation, NG. You are doing everything that you can to protect your littles and it seems that no one is *listening* to you. It's a damn shame and I'm so sorry.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

I would hire a pi, letting them know your concerns so they would know what to look at regarding the roommates.

And back when I was a teenager, my boyfriend's family actually used to hide mothers/children who needed to get away from abusive situations. I never knew anyone who was in such a bad situation that they would have to run and hide. But if I were in your situation, I might contemplate it.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 654 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NG and kids)))))))

I shuddered when I saw your topic, bc I immediately knew what it was about before even reading your post. I am so sorry.

I agree with everything that has been said and the only thing I have to add is an organization called Darkness to Light. It's mission is to PREVENT childhood sexual abuse. Check out their website at darkness2light.org.

They have a hotline that you can call if you have any concerns about CSA and they will give you resources. I have called the hotline before and it has been helpful.

Their website is also chock full of information about CSA.

(((((((NG))))))) We are right here with you.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your state have a sex offender website that lists pictures of sex offenders? If you know what he looks like and if he has been convicted he might be on it.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4680 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a sex offender database online, but they only list the highest level of predators. I've already searched it by first name (the only piece of info I have).

I have told the kids' counselor about some of this, although not the latest cake since it only happened yesterday. So far he seems non-concerned (again he doesn't know about this weekend's cake). EVERYONE including my own IC and the regular, normal people I know, freak out about this. Everyone who has the ability to do something about this fluffs me off.

I talked with the kids tonight. I hope I didn't screw things up. I just told them that I was concerned that this man was fibbing to them and not acting like a normal non-related man would act. I explained to them the things that bother me. I told them I didn't want them to be alone with him.

I would not give my kids a camera or involve them in any way regarding obtaining information. I could not and would not do that to them. It's bad enough that I had to talk to them about this.

FTR, yes, pretty much everything I've reported has been fluffed off because our family court system is broken. Daddy lies down on daughter in her bed at night? No big deal, it's not against the law. Daddy has daughter get into bed with him when he's naked to cuddle? Not against the law. Daddy has extreme porn on the same computer the kids play on, with no password or any safeguard of any kind? No big deal. Same computer is covered with ejaculate, as is the keyboard, mouse, desk & computer chair? No big deal. Daddy walks around naked, full frontal, in front of kids and open picture windows? No big deal. Daddy bursts into the bathroom when the girls are peeing? No big deal. Daddy enters the girls' bedroom when they are dressing? No big deal. Daddy is into porn that features young girls being raped? No big deal. Daddy fantasizes about drugging women & raping them? No big deal. Daddy is into prostitutes and drugs and associates with known felons? No big deal. Daddy violated ME sexually when I was sleeping? No big deal.

Know why it's no big deal?

Because I am the one who reported it. Furthermore, he has denied everything, so as far as the court is concerned this is a he said/she said scenario, automatically invalidating everything I say.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:24 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I know you are trying your very best, but honestly, I think you have a shitty lawyer, who has you convinced he's not a shitty lawyer, and you have been screwed over in the courts because you have a shitty lawyer, and you believe it's the courts, not the shitty lawyer.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourself new legal representation! Somebody who isn't afraid to go toe to toe with perv's lawyer and the fucking court that has screwed you over WAY too much already.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 61
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