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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why is this man baking cakes for my kids?
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

You're doing a lot to help your kids already, including posting here. So, they are lucky to have you as their advocate. Keep thinking.

For example, maybe "getting a new lawyer", seems too extreme to you, so maybe getting a few other legal opinions would be a good idea. Maybe after that it won't seem so extreme. There may be degrees of aggressiveness involved. You may need to find someone who is more aggressive, frankly. So, one way to approach it would be to Write-up one-page summaries of the situation and the legal advice and reasoning you've been given for each. Don't identify who the attorney is that has given this advice. Then, figure out ways to get other opinions. Advocacy groups, retired judges, law schools, out Of town lawyers, in-town lawyers, investigative reporters for newspapers.

I would suggest trying to turn the weakness of the system to your advantage. There are ways. They have not yet become apparent to you through the legl advice you have received, it seems to me.

Now, personally, I'd be finding a way to sew a VAR into an overnight bag, or a stuffy toy, or something.

Again, you are already doing a lot, which is all to the good for your kids. Keep expanding your thinking for more. It's there to be found. You've gotten many good ideas in this thread alone. Good luck.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 5:27 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he went out of his way to tell my kids that he is "safe" because he's a Christian.
methinks he doth protest too much....

I might be paranoid, but my first thought is he is the owner of some brothel in Thailand.

The cakes? He's grooming them.

My god, your situation is so fucked up. And the courts won't protect your kids from this animal.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 6:25 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3427 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH. MY. GOD.
My alarms are going off like bonkers. He's grooming them.

I like the advice of bringing this story to some new lawyers and just seeing their reaction. I also think you should go to your daughter's school, tell them your concerns, and I'm pretty sure if you say what you've told us here they will have to contact CPS.

And if neither of those work, I also agree with showing up at the house and seeing this guy for yourself. Go when the kids are there. Have an excuse like "Oops, I forgot their pajamas. Oh Hi, I'm Nature Girl and you are?"

Or stake the place out while your kids are in school and see if you can get a look at him and a license plate. Follow him to some store and find a way to meet him.

I hate to say it, but please tell your girls to lock the bathroom door and to change into their pajamas in a room where the door can be locked.

I don't know where you live, but I swear to God, I'm pretty sure if you PM'd all of us with your info we would all stand up and contact CPS for you. This is NOT OK and I feel so horrible for you. HUGE hugs to you. Your POS STBX belongs behind bars. Period.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a session with my IC this morning. Cake Man will be the first topic discussed.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(((((NG)))))
(((((NG's kiddos)))))
and


I have been racking my brain trying to think of "outside the box" ways to get more information about this creep. PI? Is there a sex abuse advocacy group that could give you advice?

I am so sorry NG. The best I can do is pray so I will. You are doing the absolute best to protect your children ~ unfortunately the "system" is too fucked up to do the same. (((((NG)))))


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2281 | Registered: Oct 2012
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would your IC not be a mandatory reporter? I wonder if s/he would be open to reaching out to your kids IC not to talk about their therapy, but to bring up how concerned they (and you) are about the situation. You'd likely have to give your permission, but there are times when it's appropriate for two healthcare providers to confer on a professional basis about a situation.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to contact my kids' IC about this. I also will be discussing it with my attorney.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength NG. You have got to have one of the most fucked up stories ever. How you manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other is a mystery to me.

Oh wait. It's not a mystery at all. If you weren't here, who would protect your littles.

HUGE ((((((((HUGS)))))))) NG. I wish I could do more.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, (((HUGE HUGS))) NG.

Let us know what they say. An IC and a CSAT separately volunteered to me that they were considering calling CPS on SA/OW because she was conducting her "swinging" activities in her home while her child was there, asleep.

Both decided they didn't need to call, though one said she was really considering it because it would make CPS start a record on the people involved, and therefore if something really happened in the future, justice would hopefully be swift.

She said that CPS always follows up. They are required to make a home visit, according to her. You can't get in trouble for filing a report (unless you lie). And you can make an anonymous report.

I don't know if this helps.

I wish I lived closer. I would stand outside the house and take photographs of everyone going in and out.

Is it a rental? Can you get the name of the management company and try to track down who is really living there? I'm sure that most landlords wouldn't want sexual offenders or child abusers in their rentals!!!

(((MORE HUGS)))
-Hope

ps: Did I miss this - I assume you already told the children they are never, ever, ever allowed to accept a cake from a man like this? That they are to say "No," firmly and loudly. No is a full sentence. And I have to think that a sexual predator would think twice if he knew the children knew how to say no - and that their mother was obviously knew what he was doing and was aware!!!


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

Don't know if this was mentioned but could you borrow a car from a friend and camp out outside and covertly take a picture of this guy? From there go on google image search and see if anything pertaining to him comes up. Most importantly, compare to the registry. Or pull up the registry and copy out pics to a document and ask the kids if they recognize anybody.

You MUST find out who this person is and it would not be unreasonable to say the thing about cakes and strangers. You are not powerless and the more you think you are, the more vulnerable the kids are.


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
Clearview
♀ Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.nsopw.gov/
The US Dept of Justice database can be searched by zipcode, which should narrow things down quite a bit.
http://www.nsopw.gov/en-US/Registry
The above link leads to state registries.

Hope it helps :)


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like it either. It's just weird. My stranger danger alarm is going off.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just caught up on this thread, NG. Like everyone, this is more than a little creepy. Assuring children he is "safe"? The whole "because I am a Christian" thing irks me--but proactively assuring children that he is "safe"? Alarm bells for sure. And frequent trips to Thailand?

I hope it's nothing of course--just a harmless weirdo (which would be disturbing enough) but absolutely run a background check. If you can't run this through the "official channels," find someone who knows someone who knows a cop and have this investigated ASAP.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently you said you don't have a lot of money. However, if you call several PI's in your area, you might find one who will do just a little work for cheap--they are all hurting for $$$ right now. I was lucky that a guy who was a PI said he would help me on his down time and I could pay him later, when we went to court. Another PI said she would charge 500.00 and that would be for several hours of surveillance - on different evenings - to get pictures of overnights with girlfriends -- not ok in SC.

So, go down the yellow pages and call every PI and ask how they can help, and what they suggest, can you use them for just a couple of hours. Ask your atty to recommend someone, he's probably seen lots of them testify. At the very least they can run tags. The one my friend used actually saw the OW and WH in a car having sex, he threw out a napkin used to clean "stuff" up, and the PI took it to the lab at the police station-- he was an off duty policeman working as a PI.

My atty also said I couldn't do anything about the OW -- a sexual predator whose first marriage ended with the murder of her boyfriend and suicide of her husband. 16 is the age of consent in SC, so if she seduces my 16 year old son I can't do a thing about it - even afterward.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:51 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2244 | Registered: Jan 2012
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl,
Any progress in tracking down cake man?

Sending you hugs


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've spoken to two attorneys about this and notified the kids' counselor. It is not illegal to bake cakes. I cannot legally compel STBX to disclose the names of the men he lives with. I absolutely do not have the funds to pay a PI, not even $500. Even if there were photographs of this man taken by a PI, there would still be no way to identify him short of running his picture through a facial recognition database and then hoping his face was in there. And of course I don't have access that kind of database, anyway.

Yes, I could possibly borrow someone's car & stake out the home. But I would eventually be discovered. People in neighborhoods don't just ignore when a strange car is parked on the street with a person inside staring at a home. Things like that are noticed. So I would eventually be discovered, and when that happened it would not go well for me legally. Think about it. How would the court view one parent who is staking out the other's home? Not good. What happens to custody in a situation like that? Not good.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG have the kids shared anything with the counselor they have shared with you?

If they haven't, priority 1 should be a new counselor. If the counselor can't get such important information to help them process and report, what use is he/she? Seriously, what is the point? It sounds like a lot of people in the system are failing your children, but that takes the cake, no pun intended. Forget finding a more aggressive lawyer, find a counselor who knows how to combat parental alienation and get these children to share the horrible things you can't report.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry this is happening. There are a lot of responses here, so maybe I missed this...Have you taken the children to a pediatrician to make sure they haven't already been physically abused?

Also, how about sewing a VAR into the children's bag, making sure it's on, and listening to it when the children come home? If you're caught, start playing hard ball and LIE. Say he planted that VAR and was trying to set you up. Make sure no prints of yours are on it.

And when it comes to the safety of my children, I'm not against doing whatever it takes to ensure the law gets involved. I'd have a friend make an anonymous call, saying they were walking by the home and heard a child in distress from inside.

Don't get discouraged! I know you are, and trust me, I believe EVERYTHING you are saying. The system, at times, works to protect the criminal's rights and the cops who have to enforce it. The victims are left to defend themselves. I know you feel helpless, but there has to be a way...


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you make friends with the neighbors? Get them to help you with gathering info? Can you give the kids a camera and have them take pictures of stuff while they are there? Innocently of course not with a list of things. Can they bring you a piece of cake home to share with you?

This is going to sound really strange but do you have the book Divorce Poison? Its a book on parent alienation and I swear its a how to book in the wrong hands.
I don't know the ages of your kids but maybe you can find something in there that might help you.

I can't imagine being in your shoes but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't live in his neighborhood. I can't make friends with people I don't live around.

Also, I absolutely will not involve the kids in any evidence gathering.

I have that book. I am 100% confident that STBX has been engaging in PA. The kids are brainwashed at this point. Daddy is a Disney God. They are terrified of him getting in trouble at every step. They are convinced that I live & breathe to get him in trouble. He makes shit up to scare them with. No, they don't tell their counselor anything. They're not going to tell ANYONE anything at this point. Ever. They are bought & paid for with games, books, movies, outings I can't possibly afford, and French fries from Mickey D's.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 61
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