I have no advice re "building intimacy" but I do know that the mind movies were awful for me in the early days.
These things helped me dodge them:
1. Imagine her cringing in the corner of the room crying watching you.
2. Imagine her alone and lonely in her cold bed.
3. Magnify her physical deficiencies. If she has big boobs imagine them flopping to her waist, if she has bad skin imagine it as much worse, if she has bad hair imagine it as lanky, greasy and smelly etc. Whatever applies in your sich, if she is overweight imagine her as monstrous.
4. Imagine their manoeuvres in bed as clumsy and awkward.
5. In your mind watch him getting out of bed and leaving her to go home. Watch her get back into bed alone and sad.
6. When he made a "new" request I flatly refused to participate. Tough luck for him. (I will never forget one night he did something quite new - my response "No f...ing way". We both knew he had done it with one of them even though we didn't discuss it. He never tried again.)
These worked for me in the early days and may help you. I hope others come with ideas.
Do what you feel comfortable with. You owe him nothing. It is his job to make you feel safe with him sexually.
how do you cope with "new" requests
These should be completely off the table right now. Think about how insensitive (to put it mildly) this is and it will make you mad enough to say no easily.
I too had these issues, she was younger, hadn't had kids, was in better shape blah de blah de blah.
There are a few things that helped me. One being saying to my self over and over and over. His A had nothing to do with who she was, what she looked like or what the sex was like. It had everything to do with her giving him the validation his broken soul needed at that point in his life. I said this to myself every day, multiple times a day. Eventually you do accept this, and know it is true. As far as having sex now while you are waiting for that healing to happen, and keeping that bitch out of your bedroom, there are few things I did. One - I told H straight out. It's hard for me to be sexually intimate, all my insecurities come flying to the front of my thoughts the second we start thinking about having sex. I need you to validate me over and over and over when we are having sex. I need to know that I turn you on, I need to know that you are thinking only of me.
The next thing I did was focus only on the physical act of sex, and what made me feel good. So that meant that H had to spend time having sex making sure all my needs were being met. The focus was me, and it was all about me (this was totally different for us). It worked though. No emotions, just the physical act. I found my intimacy other places in those early days, H holding me while I fell asleep. Holding hands in the car. Having a date every week, where it was just us, and we were able to be close, without distractions from the outside world.
Eventually he started healing, I started healing, and the intimacy came back to the bedroom. I was able to have sex or make love with my spouse, and the evil troll stayed out of the bedroom, my thoughts and his. As I started to get stronger, the only thoughts of her when we were intimate together, was "haha I won" This is who he chooses to be with, and I am giving him oh so much more than you ever could even begin to imagine. He chose me, first, and he chooses me last.
IT takes TIME. It really does, and he needs to be patient and understanding. Without it, it takes much longer.
OK...here goes. How is it that there are things your WS can do with someone else that they haven't done with you?
I have done my kinkiest deeds only with my husband so there is no way he could do anything new with someone else that we haven't tried.(aside from threesomes)
And please don't think I am taking the WS's sides because there is NO excuse for an A whatsoever that is acceptable.
BUT....I can see how not having a good sex life or having a spouse who won't try new things, no matter how kinky they seem, can help lead to discontent, which then ampliflies the other unhappy aspects of the WS & gives more of a tendency to stray.
Plus you may be amazed to find how great some of those kinkier things can be!
I once had a BF after my divorce who would ONLY have sex missionary style. Let's just say it got boring very quick.
Again....not taking WS side. Just some food for thought for both sides to be open & willing sexually which can help keep the rest of everyday life more at bay.
It's pretty telling, however, that they have no problem asking their side pieces of ass to engage in all these 'perverted' activities though, isn't it? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's because deep down, most don't care NEARLY as much what their OW think of them? That just maybe, they're looking to their OW as outlets for their fetishes or deviant behavior because they don't respect them as much as they do their own wives?
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:45 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
One - I told H straight out. It's hard for me to be sexually intimate, all my insecurities come flying to the front of my thoughts the second we start thinking about having sex. I need you to validate me over and over and over when we are having sex. I need to know that I turn you on, I need to know that you are thinking only of me.
The next thing I did was focus only on the physical act of sex, and what made me feel good. So that meant that H had to spend time having sex making sure all my needs were being met. The focus was me, and it was all about me (this was totally different for us). It worked though. No emotions, just the physical act.
I did something very similar.
Unfortunately I am still waiting for the "intimacy" to return. Unfortunately he seems to have forgotten how to do this part. (Too much meaningless sex with others I guess )Maybe one day....
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.