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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Bedroom query
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a newbie here and someone going to MC/IC to see if I want to go ahead with R I struggle with the idea of having sex with my H & how thoughts of OW play into that. She has tainted so much of my life & moments in last 2 years that I thought were happy...For those who don't mind sharing I wondered how those of you who are making a go of R handle the sexual intimacy issues? Do thoughts of what he/she did with OW/M make the intimacy difficult & how do you cope with "new" requests as I have no doubt that my H explored new areas that he never bothered to raise with me. I find the topic very painful & wonder if you have any coping suggestions/things you have found that worked for you in rebuilding intimacy

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI and I am so sorry. We are all here under terrible circumstances. I too struggle. I did learn that he did things with her that we did not do. We are having sex, but I worry all the time. I am new here as well. I only found out on 7/31. The sex for us has been good... it actually feels sort of new. He tells me all the time that we are going to make it... and he is remorseful. I feel your pain.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finding that just asking straight out questions about sex and what he wants and what I want has been helping a lot. I think that getting to a honest place is what is helping me a lot. Don't be afraid to ask detailed questions. The more questions I ask...the better I feel. Be detailed and find out what was so great about her...what she did to him that was so great! I asked those detailed questions and if he refused to answer or said he did not remember, then my response is always.."if you want me here still..you better answer all questions."

Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

I have no advice re "building intimacy" but I do know that the mind movies were awful for me in the early days.

These things helped me dodge them:

1. Imagine her cringing in the corner of the room crying watching you.

2. Imagine her alone and lonely in her cold bed.

3. Magnify her physical deficiencies. If she has big boobs imagine them flopping to her waist, if she has bad skin imagine it as much worse, if she has bad hair imagine it as lanky, greasy and smelly etc. Whatever applies in your sich, if she is overweight imagine her as monstrous.

4. Imagine their manoeuvres in bed as clumsy and awkward.

5. In your mind watch him getting out of bed and leaving her to go home. Watch her get back into bed alone and sad.

6. When he made a "new" request I flatly refused to participate. Tough luck for him. (I will never forget one night he did something quite new - my response "No f...ing way". We both knew he had done it with one of them even though we didn't discuss it. He never tried again.)

These worked for me in the early days and may help you. I hope others come with ideas.

Do what you feel comfortable with. You owe him nothing. It is his job to make you feel safe with him sexually.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you cope with "new" requests

These should be completely off the table right now. Think about how insensitive (to put it mildly) this is and it will make you mad enough to say no easily.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all you newbies out there struggling with this issue it is hard to work with, and overcome, but I want you all to know that it can be done, with very positive outcomes.

I too had these issues, she was younger, hadn't had kids, was in better shape blah de blah de blah.

There are a few things that helped me. One being saying to my self over and over and over. His A had nothing to do with who she was, what she looked like or what the sex was like. It had everything to do with her giving him the validation his broken soul needed at that point in his life. I said this to myself every day, multiple times a day. Eventually you do accept this, and know it is true. As far as having sex now while you are waiting for that healing to happen, and keeping that bitch out of your bedroom, there are few things I did. One - I told H straight out. It's hard for me to be sexually intimate, all my insecurities come flying to the front of my thoughts the second we start thinking about having sex. I need you to validate me over and over and over when we are having sex. I need to know that I turn you on, I need to know that you are thinking only of me.
The next thing I did was focus only on the physical act of sex, and what made me feel good. So that meant that H had to spend time having sex making sure all my needs were being met. The focus was me, and it was all about me (this was totally different for us). It worked though. No emotions, just the physical act. I found my intimacy other places in those early days, H holding me while I fell asleep. Holding hands in the car. Having a date every week, where it was just us, and we were able to be close, without distractions from the outside world.

Eventually he started healing, I started healing, and the intimacy came back to the bedroom. I was able to have sex or make love with my spouse, and the evil troll stayed out of the bedroom, my thoughts and his. As I started to get stronger, the only thoughts of her when we were intimate together, was "haha I won" This is who he chooses to be with, and I am giving him oh so much more than you ever could even begin to imagine. He chose me, first, and he chooses me last.

IT takes TIME. It really does, and he needs to be patient and understanding. Without it, it takes much longer.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WIgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for that tushnurse...I'm going to copy and paste that to read from time to time. I so needed that right now.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to apologize right now as I am going to come out like the bad guy for this post but it is a question I have often wondered about while reading everyone's posts & I am a BS as well.

OK...here goes. How is it that there are things your WS can do with someone else that they haven't done with you?

I have done my kinkiest deeds only with my husband so there is no way he could do anything new with someone else that we haven't tried.(aside from threesomes)

And please don't think I am taking the WS's sides because there is NO excuse for an A whatsoever that is acceptable.

BUT....I can see how not having a good sex life or having a spouse who won't try new things, no matter how kinky they seem, can help lead to discontent, which then ampliflies the other unhappy aspects of the WS & gives more of a tendency to stray.

Plus you may be amazed to find how great some of those kinkier things can be!

I once had a BF after my divorce who would ONLY have sex missionary style. Let's just say it got boring very quick.

Again....not taking WS side. Just some food for thought for both sides to be open & willing sexually which can help keep the rest of everyday life more at bay.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi OMG - I don't find your post insulting in least but I do think it is based on the assumption that the H actually expresses what he wants in a M & as I am starting to find out from reading into the topic some As include elements of fantasy & acting out which the partner has not actually brought into the relationship (there might be the question of why but it could be as simple as he/she didn't & takes opportunities with someone else he didn't in the M). I think I am quite open on sex but that doesn't stop the fear (whether it is real one or not) that having been with someone else he tries to introduce things in our first times being intimate again that were not part of who we have been over the years. I hate the idea of it & of any remote possibility of "her" entering into our sex life...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear, MJane. I honestly think that a lot of husbands respect their wives too much and don't have the guts to ask them to do anything that might be considered 'deviant' or 'perverted.' I think largely that's because they probably have too much respect for the mothers of their children and I think they also have a huge fear of being ridiculed or looked down upon by their wives - so they don't dare tell them their dirtiest secrets and desires.

It's pretty telling, however, that they have no problem asking their side pieces of ass to engage in all these 'perverted' activities though, isn't it? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's because deep down, most don't care NEARLY as much what their OW think of them? That just maybe, they're looking to their OW as outlets for their fetishes or deviant behavior because they don't respect them as much as they do their own wives?


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:45 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post tushnurse

Especially this:

One - I told H straight out. It's hard for me to be sexually intimate, all my insecurities come flying to the front of my thoughts the second we start thinking about having sex. I need you to validate me over and over and over when we are having sex. I need to know that I turn you on, I need to know that you are thinking only of me.
The next thing I did was focus only on the physical act of sex, and what made me feel good. So that meant that H had to spend time having sex making sure all my needs were being met. The focus was me, and it was all about me (this was totally different for us). It worked though. No emotions, just the physical act.

I did something very similar.

Unfortunately I am still waiting for the "intimacy" to return. Unfortunately he seems to have forgotten how to do this part. (Too much meaningless sex with others I guess )Maybe one day....

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tushnurse,
Your post was spot on, and funny. I love the "getting the bitch out of the bedroom" and the troll parts, especially.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 12

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