I simply stopped loving my W after D-day. It took a lot of work on her part at first and then on mine to let her back into my heart. The feelings for fear, anger and hurt still resurface at times. In short it still ticks me off from time to time.
A few things I have done that have helped a lot:
1) read: ACT with love, How Can I Forgive You and When Things Fall Apart. I explored who I was and who I wanted to be in my relationship with my W and others. Its a great journey. Those books taught me about how the brain works and how to get control of it.
2)IC - A good one can help put perspective on the A. Scope it out in the larger frame work of your M and life and help you along the way.
3) Insist that my W shares here IC sessions, thoughts and feelings with me. This needs to be bi-directional, but her to me was not happening in the past and I take some solace in the fact that she is sharing and connecting with me which makes her different in my eyes.
4) Live in the now, not in the past. You can't un-fuck the donkey and when ever those thoughts creep up I tell myself that.