Do I have no self-esteem? Do I take the chance? Do they stop lying, cheating? I am very guarded around my heart. I let him in once before (not this far) because he's always held back as well. The further in he goes, the more it hurts. Is it too soon, the PA&EA has been over for 13 months. But I've only know about the PA for 1. Are we pushing too hard? I NEED attention!
No choice but to divorce
"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
But it seems the closer I get to him the more it hurts. Is it too soon, am I just full of shit and I don't love him but trying to fill some sick need of needing/feeling to be wanted. It doesn't feel like that to me, but I'm a mess and have NO idea what I'm doing.
I wish I had answers -- I just have all the same questions... I am also "clueless"!
I'm not sure if I'm strong or just stupid. Too co-dependant? I'm working hard on my own self-esteem issues. Working out like a fiend - lost 20 pounds. But between caring for my kids, doing my job, managing my household, spending time reading and trying to heal -- there's just not a lot of time or energy left to pursue a whole world of new interests. YKWIM? So many of our friends, after 20+ years together, are mutual. It's really hard to divide myself into a new social circle when I have no idea if we're headed for D or a better M.
I wish I had answers for both of us.... Wishing you comfort and peace.
I'll say in our case, even though I am the BS, I have had to give and be much more vulnerable. This makes me feel scared, but it also makes me feel strong. You can't build a wall around your heart, and expect things to get better. But, you have to have some assurances that it is safe to do so.
I edit, therefore I am.
There will be good days and bad. Enjoy the good ones but know there will be bad ones. This is not easy. Staying, I think, is much harder than leaving. Just keep posting and share your feelings. That always helps. Hugs.
bionicgal you are right, I can't build a wall around my heart. I've already wasted so much time.
kansas1968 that is exactly what I needed to hear. But I decided last night when I writing a private message to someone that I've got to just try. I told my WH last night, no more questions on IM at work, he can go up to 8 hours a day in what he calls interrogation. He knows he must do what I need, but I see his BP is out of control, he blew a blood vessel in his right eye. So instead of asking questions WHENEVER they pop into my head, I'll write them down, and we will talk.
I'm still SAD and would do anything to of made this not so, but it has brought us so close. Closer than I've ever been to anyone, it feels like our hearts our one. I know that sounds corney. I also know I could be crying in an hour, but it's time to work on forgiving him.
I for one was passenger on the "living the lie"bus. It finally stopped at a town called Reality and I have to discover uncharted roads. The GPS (marriage of 35 yrs). Doesn't show the roads to take anymore. WH was driving during the marriage, the destination I once thought was "ours"
Has apparently been relocated
I didn't want to t/j your thread Clueless, but I think there is so much truth in this statement. It does seem hard to make the decision to stay or go.
I too wonder if everything is too quick. Will he ever stop the lying and cheating. All we can do is hold out hope, work at healing ourselves and our part of the marriage, and move forward. Keep moving forward. Always.
I would say that you both need to stop putting so much focus on the M and each other and focus on yourselves individually.
The reasoning is this:
For you: you have not had enough time to process this all, you have not been able to fully understand and explore what it all means/meant, unfortunately no matter how hard and diligently you work on this, it takes TIME to process, the brain does not always make quick calculations and come up with answers/realizations, sometimes they take months to form into coherent thought. Also, as stated above, you H has not had enough TIME to prove worthy of this much effort being put into the M IMO.
For him: He was not commited for 19 years??? He did not really know what he wanted??? He was just.......what?floating along, taking you with him? He goes to his "first" love and then learns that he still does not have what he wants?? He has no idea what he really wants, he has not yet grown up in this area imo. Perhaps he is on his way, but again this takes TIME to be tested and trued. And whatever deep down issues that he has that allowed himself to live in limbo for so long need to be worked on imo.
I see much individual work to be done which takes much energy, and you need all the energy you can get to work on yourself right now, you do not need to be putting precious energy into the M, the M can wait imo, and it will be better in the long run for waiting because it is only as strong and healthy as the two in it right?
Again, just MY perspective only.