Glad you finally posted. Welcome to SI.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Read up in the Healing Library - top left yellow window. Tuns of great stuff in there.
Quick question; did your H have the A during the time she was babysitting (not specifically while she was babysitting rather did they meet during that period)?
Have you two gone to MC? Did he go to IC? What became of the sitter (is she still around town)? Are you certain the A is over?
Has he been 100% honest with you?
Do you have full access to all accounts,email,and his phone?Passwords too?
He needs to write a NC email to OW.."Do not ever contact or speak to me again. I am committed to healing the damage I have done to my wife,my marriage and myself." And you send it.
What is he doing to figure out why he did this? Why isn't he in IC?
Is he accountable for his time when away from you?
The way you say "he says it is" when asked if it's over,tells me he has done very little to become a safe partner for you in the last year.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He's 45 having a mid-life crisis
This is not an excuse to lie and cheat. You know this. He made a conscious choice to lie, cheat and deceive.
He needs to do the hard work to figure out why he thinks he is justified in his choices. If he won't own the behavior and realize how wrong it was and how much it hurt you and your family, then the pattern of behavior will most likely continue. IC would be a good place to start if he is inclined to try and be a better man.
The night he told me he invoked NC w/ her. He says they have spoken few times since- but no more A
NC is NC is NC. Speaking to her a few times is NOT NC.
Are you certain the A is over? He says it is.
What does your gut say? You don't sound too convinced.
Post often and know that you are not alone. We all have been in your shoes and have faced our own murky mess of a marriage.
Hug your kids and know that you are worth more than being treated like an option.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:43 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
If he speaks to her, he is not NC. He's just (maybe) not screwing her now. NC means NO Contact. No physical contact. No mental contact. No speaking to her. No texting her. No Facebook stalking her. NO Contact Whatsoever! He needs to establish NO Contact with her right now, or admit that he's just waiting for another chance to jump her bones.
Speaking of which, and I am so very, very sorry to have to bring this up, but you and he need to have a full STD/HIV screening. And to make the follow-up appointments that will be required since some things can test negative now, and then positive later. You need to not have sex with him until both of you have tested clean. He needs to tell the doctor to give the results to YOU, not just report them because, well, he's a liar and a cheater, and liars lie and cheaters cheat. This is far too dangerous to your health for you to take a chance on his honesty right now. And if/when he assures you that he had protected sex only, tell him bull. Most WSs do not use a condom. Even if they do, most WSs have oral sex with each other and kiss each other. That means that they had unprotected sex with each other since the mucosa of both the vagina and mouth can successfully harbor all types of STDs. And while he was sleeping with his girl-child, he also slept with every other man that slept with her as well as their assorted partners. And brought all of this home to you. (((hugs))) That's brutal it really is. I'm so sorry. Every one of us has had to make these phone calls as well. I almost wish I could say that it shocked our doctors, but I have never heard of one person telling us that their medical office was shocked at receiving this request. Not one. I know that you said that it's been over a year, but please believe me, you can still show up with an STD or HIV/AIDs.
Please come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((more hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I would be mortified if my 21 yo daughter was sleeping with a 45 yo married man. I would consider him a predator.
I know she is considered an adult but her parents need to have a talk with her. Is she na´ve and gullible? If her father is in her life and cares for her, he would probably want to "meet" your husband.
... he would probably want to "meet" your husband.
The reality of ^^THAT^^ just might wake your WH up enough to make him keep his junk in his pants.
THEN she had the nerve to email me a month ago to ask about some paperwork she left here at my house knowing she owes me money that she never paid back (which I don't care about at this point).
Ugh - it just sucks. I know how you feel.