Can someone share their experience of D with young children? did it set the children back in school, behaviorally? How did the relationship with the other parent change?
Thanks for sharing your experinces.
[This message edited by ddame23 at 1:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...
My ex turned into a crazy man for a while and threatened suicide too. I wish he'd done it. It would have made my life much easier. Don't let your WH manipulate you with threats. You must do what is right for you and your child. Exposing your child to a manipulator like him isn't doing your child any good.
As far as my son's relationship with his dad, well he doesn't have one. My son decided at the age of 15 that he was sick of his dad's lies and wasn't going to put up with them anymore. So, he cut him off.
My oldest was hardest hit and for the longest. The second was hard hit in the beginning, but due to his age, recovered quickly. I was homeschooling at the time, so my oldest was buffered from having issue at school, which he no doubt would have had. He has Aspergers and does not adjust easily. I had him seeing counsellors and did all that I could to ease his pain and I can say that now, at 10 years old, he is a happy, secure, healthy boy, and while some pain will always linger and come out in various ways as he grows older, he is pretty much healed.
Do not let your WS's threats make you do anything that is not healthy for you and your child. Divorce is hard and damaging, but it is not a death sentence. I don't actually advocate divorce, but if your marriage is not salvageable, you must do what is right for you and your child.
See a counsellor for YOU, and also see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. WS can threaten to move or not pay child support, but there are many laws in place to make sure he HAS to take care of you. Him threatening suicide is cruel and completely wrong. You do not have to stay in a situation because you've been threatened in that way.
(((hugs))) as you deal with these BIG decisions.
I was terrified of being a single mum. I almost did not have children due to that fear. I was defrauded into having children.
Having said all of that - nothing, and I mean nothing that I have been through this past year compares to the hell of being in an emotionally abusive marriage.
What he is doing to you is emotional abuse.
If his mental health was so tied to the structure of being in a family then why the fuck did he cheat? Liar.
I am now a better mum than I was before because I am not dealing with that emotional abuse, with the moodiness nor with the tension.
My girls are happy and thriving too. We have 50/50 custody on a 2/2/3 basis and whilst I don't think 50/50 is ideal it seems to work for them right now.
He is the same kind of father he was during the M - critical, moody, loving only when they are well behaved and following his orders. He drinks too much and has added recreational drugs to his life. He has undiagnosed mental health issues but because he is currently what a professional would call 'functioning' there's not a lot that I can do.
The awful fathering is the hardest part to deal with but that is just one of the awful things I would have been dealing with had I stayed in that M.
At least getting emotionally healthier myself I am better equipped to re-parent them and support them through this.
One thing I've had to surrender to is I can't have everything I want.
You say family lives far away but you love where you live. If you end up needing support you do have a safety net because you can move closer to them - it is not your preference but it is also not the end of the world.
A lot of us start off staying for the kids but end up leaving for the kids. Your kids need you to be OK and they'll be OK. I don't see how you could ever be OK whilst in any sort of relationship with this abusive, manipulating guy.
My ds will obviously never know anything different. I agree that you cannot allow your WH to threaten you with suicide to make you stay. His problems are not your problems. Do not take them on any longer. You need to free yourself from this unhealthy situation.
If you do file, be sure to ask for $$ to assist with childcare. Not just during work hours, but outside of work hours too. If he is not going to be around to help with childcare, you are going to have to hire sitters on occasion. It is important for you to get time to yourself.
I would also look into joining a single parenting group. I'm in one and it's been a great source of support. Other single parents are often willing to help out in a pinch.
Being a single parent isn't what any of us wanted, but it's not the end of the world. I can honestly say that I'm much happier on my own than I was with my XWH that literally drained the life from me.
Do what is best for you.
My children are doing great in school. They are in 2nd and K. DS 7 loves math and pretty much anything non-fiction and DS5 is in the advanced reading group. At the time XH and I split up for good, DS7 was in pre-school. They have a good relationship with their father. Their behaviors are typical for their ages. There was a period of time where DS7 cried for the other parent. I think he was grieving the loss of his family as a whole. Since seeing his dad on a more frequent regular basis (every week for dinner and every other weekend), he hasn't cried about missing him.
Don't let your WS's threats keep you in the relationship. My XH threatened similar things and he didn't do any of them. It was a way for him to feel in control and have power over me.
Sometimes your worst nightmare might end up being your saving grace. I know I can do this because I see all of the good people on here who are living proof that life does go on and we all adapt. I just want a peaceful life for me and my son.