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User Topic: I did it, I sent the letter to OW
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC, just wanted to chime in and say that you did something I've wished I could do but that's where my courage ends.

Many things you wrote in the letter I think of and nowadays get criticism if I mention aloud, for we are told not to let OW matter...when in fact, it does matter.

I give you much credit, and no 2 x 4 here, for sending the letter and am glad for you that you could get some of those ..."sentiments" (FLOABW-For Lack Of A Better Word) out.

They can't stay afloat in their canoe ride down the river of denial if they have that letter to read and that's a good thing. I hope someday they capsize.

ETA that I agree with the "hugely private husband" part, because X was this way at the end of M and in some respects, but what I believe now is that it was the beginning of the double life he wanted to create and the control he wanted here. If we knew things about him, it would have probably been difficult to lead the double life and find OW and all the other stuff. It was an act.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
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Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since WH will be out of town for a couple of days, can you see an attorney and learn what your rights are? Knowing that you saw an attorney might help him to "see the light" also

BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Tell her husband. Do so in a way that cannot be intercepted.
2. See a lawyer.
3. No 2x4s from me--I sent OW a letter too; she was still in contact with WH (which I did not know), so it just was more fodder for their bat-shit crazy wife fantasy. Hugely unsatisfying.

Now. Read #1 again.

Because the "hugely private husband" thing is bullshit.

Her husband needs to know the truth.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing......just change one thing (co-worker friends to neighbor/friends) and it would be like I wrote that letter myself. But my letter was a call to whore's h. Unfortunately for me my own h had already told the usual story about me being a bi-polar lunatic crazy bitch. That set the stage for ow's h (his best friend) to dismiss anything other than I was nuts and he knew his wife would never do anything like that with another man. (Ha, she had already broken up his marriage years prior)

So no 2x4 here for your head. It was a great letter. The only thing you did wrong was to NOT send it to her h. I know for a fact that she is full of crap by saying her h knows all about it. That is such a line of shit to save her own skin.

Take the plunge. What are you waiting for? Your h and his bitch have already done the damage. Now it is time for you to call them to the carpet and let her h know about everything. Send him the letter and let him know what kind of person he is married to. Just make sure you have the evidence to back you up.

Posts: 2464 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go!!! Such satisfaction for you. I am not in the business of "protecting" my WH and OW from anyone finding out about their A. I would like to shout their actions from the rooftops, mountaintops, billboards!!! They deserve to be exposed. It will still never compare to the intense trauma and devastation they have caused.

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
sinsof thefather
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Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our conversations are very minimal and about work….forklifts, copiers, etc

Hmm... see we already know this bit is a lie - because where would that 'buzz kill' text you saw your husband sent to her personal cell phone fit in with only official work conversations about forklifts? Wouldn't they be conducted via work equipment and not personal cells? So if you know there is one definite lie in there.... how much stock can you put on the rest of what they say?

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
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Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want it to END then
tell her husband.


My husband knows very inappropriate things occurred and our marriage is very very far from happy right now.

Is a load of bullshit. I doubt he knows anything.

Don't tell your WH, don't tell AP just contact AP BH and let him know the truth.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck yeah.

You owned that bitch. As you should...
Your wh not happy with that?

Burn his clothes.

I would

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
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Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP! Slow down. Please think of the legal consequences of telling HR. Someone could get fired over this - misuse of email, fraternization policy, etc.

I say this because I would LOVE to tell my SAWH's mistress's job about their A but it would potentially hurt me financially because supposedly she used her influence to help his role as an investor in the company. Also, I just want her to GO AWAY. So I can't do anything that would encourage her to sue my H for some crazy reason or contact him for some reason. She's also probably bonking the president of the company anyway...I see them together on Internet photos frequently. SAWH thinks she is a SA, too.

Bottom aren't dealing with people who are playing with a full deck. Proceed with caution. Once it's out there, it's out there. You won't be able to take it back.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen please my WH was the master of deception, best liar I ever encountered. He also embellished quite a bit.
My first thought is your OW response was Bullshit pure and simple. Then I thought, maybe there wasn't as much between then as he alluded to. Aka building himself up. Then scenario three... They composed the response together which I detest the most, as they would be conspiring against you.
This lying infidelity shit is enough to make us physically sick. Pull yourself together while he is gone and think things through rationally.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the "hugely private husband" thing is bullshit.

Yes...and the same wording used by MOW in an attempt to manipulate me into silence.

She "knew what a private person I am, and would never tell anyone"

I read that to mean "I don't want to get get caught, so don't you dare tell anyone, because I think/hope you feel embarrassed"

I believe the term "Private person" is in the Wayward handbook, under "Those who must be manipulated in the event of discovery"

I think the post DDay manipulations inflicted on the BS are even worse than the initial deception.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing his job isn't the end of the world. I've been there, last year.

Bottom line, tell her husband, tell HR, or the contact will never end. You will constantly be in this situation over and over again. You can not reconcile like this.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brilliant letter! I sent one in a similar vein to fOW,boy did it feel good to tell her just what I thought of her and how low my fWH's opinion of her was too-just "fuck buddies"-
Please tell her BH, even if he suspects inappropriate goings on,it's hardly the same as knowing the full truth of what was (is?) going on.If he knew inappropriate stuff was going on as she claims, he could have already spoken to the HR dep't, what difference is the full truth going to make? Unless she's lying through her teeth.
And what difference does it make whether he's a private sort of person? Private,outgoing,somewhere in the middle. They all have a right to know. Sounds like she hasn't told him yet.
What a shame your husband works at the same company-I took great pleasure in outing the OW to her company and university as they too were using her corporate e-mail address for explicit chats,downloading porn etc. Also her works office for screwing,and work time. I don't think she got the sack or was stopped from continuing her course,but just the thought of her squirming when confronted...

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing his job isn't the end of the world. I've been there, last year.
I agree. The fallout from affairs sucks--but if you want the affair to end, people need to know about it.

It's not a given that heads will roll.

It is almost a given, though, that light shed on the affair will cause sufficient discomfort that the A will end.

And the other BS? HE MUST BE TOLD. He needs to know the truth about his marriage. Not that "many inappropriate things" happened (which I doubt he knows, anyway)--but that his WIFE WAS INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR.

There is NOTHING worse than being kept in the dark--especially if you're working hard to find out what is missing in your marriage, wondering what is so very wrong with you that you can't connect, and struggling against all odds to make things better.

And then there are the health risks. He needs to be tested for STDs. Doesn't matter if your husband tested negative--mine did, yet gave me some nasty ones. I guess an OW along the line gave him something he passed to me without contracting it himself (or he got HIMSELF treatment without bothering to tell me because that's the kind of guy he is).

Tell the OBS. Think about work for a while if you want. If your WH will change jobs, maybe even forego that aspect of exposure.

But tell the OBS.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only guilty people hide things. Such as not telling you OW was at lunch and then taking a picture with her not in it. Innocent people do not feel the need to hide their actions. That just shows he knows his actions were wrong.

Time to get some legal advice and contact her BS, even if he does know (which I would be money he doesn't) then it won't hurt either way, but it might help.

Time to take care of yourself, it is clear your husband still can't be trusted.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
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Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell the OBH, at the very least. Right now, your WH and his cheap OW still have the control. The letter was great, but did you send it to be heard, or for it to actually help?

Right now you are NOT in R. Your WH is still in contact, and it sounds like he is working with his OW to fool you. Honestly, it's too early to know if R is even a possibility.

Bottom line, her BH needs to know the truth, and you're going to need to oust them. At least if you want to know if there is a real chance at R for you and your WH.

As far as his work...NO CONTACT. If it's not possible, then it looks like he needs to find a new job asap. Would he rather lose the job, or you? He put himself in this position, it's his job to do the right thing and fix it. IF HE WANTS YOU BAD ENOUGH...

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I think most agree that an EA is as damaging to a BS as a PA. It does not matter if they physically touched or not. It was an A as soon as the secrecy, the private texting, and the non work emails started.

I hate the word inappropriate. It is a polite euphemism in the adultery world for I f**ked or mind f**cked someone other than my BS.

I do not know if I would tell HR, but hubby would be looking for a new job. My H changed careers at age 54 to keep contact with OW at zilch. They did not work together, but she would show up at conferences and open public meetings he was involved in. He gave up several board memberships as well. He lost out on a lifetime of community building because he chose to lower into a EA/PA with a common husband seeking tramp. It sucks for me and him.

I guess telling HR does not change whether or not the A took place, but the fallout may catch your H as well as the OW. I think I would discuss this with your H before moving forward. At first he will balk, but if he is ready to move on and finish the A, he may be ready. If true R is your goal, keep your marriage in mind. How will this affect your M? I would not give a damn how it affects the OW and her M. That is on her.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the word inappropriate. It is a polite euphemism in the adultery world for I f**ked or mind f**cked someone other than my BS.

That word set off warning bells for me, too. But to me, it sounded like she was admitting that she blatantly minimized her involvement to her BS. Inappropriate could be a flirty conversation. Inappropriate could be accidentally staring at someone's ass. I would also bet that her BS knows almost zero about any of this. You MUST tell him, I'm sorry. Tell him and get him copies of your evidence. He needs to know what kind of nut job he is married to.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you today,OC?

How did last night go,once your WH came home from work?


FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, calling their full on PA "inappropriate" certainly chapped my ass as well.

I'm terrified to contact her H, and I'm not sure why exactly.

He left on his business trip this morning. We haven't spoken really other than him apologizing last night for not telling me about the lunch and again this morning before he left. I'm in full 180 right now trying to process the fact that I can't get past this yet again.

That old saying is so effing true, when people show you who they are BELIEVE them. All this time he's been showing me and I've been all "No, he's not this person, I know this person, he is better than this." Guess what? He's exactly what he's been showing, wishing he were someone else has wasted the last almost 4 months of my life...and probably our entire marriage, actually. It's a tough pill to swallow.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
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