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Topic: I did it, I sent the letter to OW

TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895

Posted: 3:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

You do it however it works for you. Our daughter was only ten at the time and does not know. So I understand that protecting them is also important.

Nothing you do is chicken shit; this crap is hard and you didn't ask for it or deserve it. We are all proud of you for everything you have done so far.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland

Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445

Posted: 3:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Side note:
I do not know your whole story, so this may not apply. But, as far as the kids are concerned, they aren't stupid and they probably know that something is going on. In my case, WH's CSAT encouraged us to be completely honest with our 8 year old about the whole thing. He reminded us that she was a very intelligent person and, since she most certainly knew something was going on anyway, that she would likely have a LOT of questions and need a lot of clarification on things. Better to talk about it than to keep it a secret, sort of thing. After all, WH was raised on secrets. Secrets led him into a lifetime of deceit and lies and have ruined countless lives, not just mine and my 3 kids. As for the sex aspect, CSAT pointed out that, these days, 8 years old is not too early to open the forum up to "the talk."

I know many disagree with this. I did for a long time. But, given that I know (and married unknowingly) the outcome of a "secret-driven" FOO, I have to say that his advice was spot on.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011

OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670

Posted: 3:51 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

TruthorGoodbye, the kids do know that we are going through something and we've had some age appropriate conversations with them about daddy's temper problem that he is working on, and also that some marriage rules were broken and we are trying to fix them. DD8 hasn't asked specific questions, she just wants to know why we're fighting so much, DS 6 hasn't talked about it too much. If they were to ask me a specific question I would be as (age appropriately) honest. We did have a 5 day separation earlier this month, which we also discussed with them. They don't know it was an affair with COW whom they adore

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 3:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013

Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445

Posted: 4:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

((((OC18))))-It sounds, to me, like you are doing precisely the right thing as far as your children are concerned.

I get nauseous knowing that WH sent cock-shots out to C/L people and who knows who else. There are photos of his freaking genitals out there somewhere for my kids to possibly find someday! Seriously?! I simply can't even fathom how to explain that to them. There IS no appropriate explanation for that! lol

OC18, keep us posted on everything. We're here for you. You're doing great.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011

Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814

Posted: 5:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Just an FYI coming from a child of a broken home, broken by my wayward father... My mother told me, without guile, without anger, but with love and with facts that my father had an affair and that they had a child out there who is my half-brother.

I was 7. I already knew...

But was very glad that my mother was willing to be honest with me and treated me with respect without belittling my father or herself. She remained classy and allowed us to make our own decisions on what relationship we want to have with our father. She even said to give him a chance. Of course, years and years later, he blew up that chance anyway... And my mother remained BLAMELESS cause not one bad word about him was said and we made our own decisions as to what we would call "father"...

Just saying, just because they are children doesn't mean they don't know. It actually made me feel relief that someone finally felt they should tell me. I was able to accept the situation better.

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by Simple at 5:08 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008

Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330

Posted: 7:37 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Her H cannot get for harassment for sending one document (I would suggest putting all the emails into one or two scanned .pdf documents) that only contains the truth. What he chooses to do with that is up to him. If you repeatedly contact him or the OW for that matter, then that is harassment. One contact is not.

She can also lose her job, which they may also need that money so he may not go to HR. Also, consider that his threat of going to HR was told to you by the two liars. WH and OW. How much faith you put in that is up to you.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago

IslandGirl18
♀ Member
Member # 36781

Posted: 7:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

Mistakes I made: DD2 I told WH that I was going to call MOW. I found out later that he warned her ahead of time and their stories were miraculously similar. I shouldn't have told him I was calling her. She told me in that phone call that her husband knew of the affair, that it was over, and they were in counseling. He just didn't know who she was cheating with.
I also told my WH that I was calling his boss. He begged me not to and went on to say that it would impact me and our retirement, etc. They would lose their jobs. Blah, blah, blah.
I never called the boss. I may still. I did eventually have a convo with her BS and he did not know. They were in counseling but not for her cheating.
He said to me he wouldn't contact my WH because he was aware of my cancer and what we were going through.

I never told my WH of my phone call with her BS. But guess who told him? Yep. She called my WH.

I would call the BS immediately. Be calm. Share the facts.

We get scared because it is so out of our realm of thinking. We know we will be a part of someone's pain, a pain we know too well.

It's not our fault.

me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: Sep 2012

TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291

Posted: 12:03 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013

It's all fun and games until somebody (the BS) gets hurt and the WS gets caught. Then the consequences set in.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 12:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005

fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631

Posted: 9:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013

I really hate to say this, but unless I missed it, I think this is underground and not over.
Give a copy of your file to BS by hand.

Begin to really protect yourself and kids.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast

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