Please relocate this topic if it doesn't belong here.
Some people will remember the back story. In a nutshell, ex cheated on me for two years with a best friend, then when he was "proving" his remorse he was arrested and eventually sent to jail for sleeping with a minor.
Fast forward to today. Complete NC with him. Looking through my old diaries trying to find references to when I was trying to fall pregnant with my daughter ( my sister is trying and wanted some fertility treatment info)- I got absorbed in reading. I always have kept diaries, I pour my thoughts and experiences into them.
I'm concerned. I'm actually wondering now if what my ex did to me classes as sexual assault? We were in a relationship- does that change things? Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes. After my daughter was born he would regularly grab me by the wrist and pull me up the stairs when she was asleep after a feed. I had an exceptionally traumatic birth, lost a lot of blood and had tons of stitches. I was very weak. I could barely stand without being dizzy or vomiting. There's no way I could have resisted. He would make me sit on the bed and he would stand in front of me and demand a hand job or oral sex from me. If I said I was tired or didn't want to, he would make me feel guilty that I was so "messed up" down there from birthing "the baby YOU wanted" and he couldn't do what he wanted yet so I would have to satisfy him this way. Maybe he was punishing me for being unable to continue his A directly after I had our daughter. When she was four weeks old he suggested we try full intercourse. I said no then. When she was four weeks and four days old, he started kissing me and trying to give me a massage to "make me feel better." I was happy. I wanted to feel better. It ended with him pinning me on the floor and penetrating me and me crying and biting my lip and saying "please stop, it really hurts!" He kept saying "no, you'll relax in a minute" and then "you're really killing the mood." I didn't forget this. I just didn't think about it again. I was so unwell and finding myself very unsupported living miles away from anyone I loved. I guess I imagined the way I felt was me overreacting from hormones or something. Seeing it all in my shaky handwriting later that night......ugh, I wanted to throw up!
Then a later entry in my diary details me going to meet a male friend for coffee and him calling me upstairs when I got home and waiting for me with no clothes on, behind a door!? Which he then slammed and called me horrible names, accusing me of sleeping with my friend, asking me if I'd washed his sperm away yet. I was saying "this is crazy, I've never cheated" and he just pulled my trousers off and forced me down and- well....you can guess. I don't want to put too much detail because it makes me feel terrible but the diaries are detailed. After this incident, I told him I hadn't wanted that at all, he should have stopped when I told him to and he said "so, what you're claiming now is that I raped you?! Give me a break!!" And laughed. Am I being really over sensitive here? And if I'm not, should I do something? Because wont it look weird that I didn't say anything before?! Anyone who can offer me advice, even if its to tell me to stop being so over dramatic, please- I invite you to comment before I overanalyse too much.
You WILL suffer damages from such abusive and disgusting behavior from an alleged "loved" one.
Are you in IC Sorceress? I'd strongly suggest this for all the hell you've been through with this "man" (hate to call him that from what you have described). At the same time, a good IC can help you recount these events clearer in such a way that may make a sexual assault charge easier to obtain and prosecute at your discretion.
So sorry you had to go through this! Good luck to you!
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
Nobody would believe me if I told because he'd produce intimate photographs he still has of me, despite requests to return them and intimate letters I wrote him at the start of our relationship and use them to defame my character- he did it to his ex wife. I know he would do it.
And actually, him storing 'intimate' photographs to use as blackmail actually would help in your case. It almost always goes hand in hand with that kind of manipulation, sexual assault and abuse.
I'm so very sorry you had to endure that kind of abusive relationship! And I hope you will take care of yourself to help cope/heal from such events.
Sexual assault while healing from a traumatic birth---OMG, that sounds horrendous.
In my book (and I have some background with this, as a rape victim advocate---and also as a victim who did not recognize the violation as rape at the time, perhaps because--like you--it occurred at a time when acknowledgement of it as such would have caused me to come unglued at a time when I could not afford to do so), this was rape. Pure, unadulterated rape.
And I am so very sorry you endured this.
I am glad he is out of your life.
I don't think you're over-analyzing. I suspect you've reached a point in your healing where you have become able to examine these things for what they were, so that you can process them and move forward constructively.
Our minds do tend to mete out trauma in manageable bytes.
Sorceress, don't hesitate to get help with this. Time has passed, but counseling is appropriate even long after the fact. An experienced trauma counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.
Millions of hugs to you.
ETA: Dealing with this constructively does not in ANY way have to involve him. I would strongly recommend that, whether you choose to address it criminally or not, you DO address it with a therapist.
[This message edited by solus sto at 6:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
You did NOTHING wrong. You were vulnerable and confused. I'd love to see you get some support for this - it is too great a weight to carry on your own.
Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this, and you are not to blame. You deserve compassion and support for what you have been through.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I would classify what he did as sexual assualt, Sorceress.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
He had absolute control over you and you are an abused woman. That's why you are afraid to do or say anything. Who the F cares if he has intimate photos of you. You were his wife it's not like you didn't have sex, I think that's a given so he has pics of you naked, giving a bj, or whatever unless your screwing a horse no one and I mean no one will give a rip and if they do they lead really boring lives.
You need to contact your local woman's shelter find support groups for rape and domestic violence. These are free and you are with women who have shared experiences. They are all at different stages of healing. Rely on friends and family for love and support. Do not be ashamed, be proud that you did your best but you can't fix that level of fucked up. Find peace in that.
Honey you deserve oh so much more. Share this with your new partner. He deserves to know. This will effect your relationship and of you ever trigger he will know why.
(((( and strength ))))
I never cease to be stunned and amazed at the hurt that some people are able to inflict on people they are supposed to cherish and love.
In my opinion, it was rape, and it was also sadistic. That scares me for you! You are not being overly dramatic at all, as you recall these events.
I was so glad to read you have NC with him. Please seek counseling for the rape and the other issues that are wrapped up with it.
I'm so terribly sorry.
We were in a relationship- does that change things?
Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes
I agree with getting a counselor to work thru this. You may feel like it isn't bothering you, but that type of trauma will sit inside until you are able to confront it and work thru the trauma. Make sure your counselor has experience with sexual/psychological abuse. A good experienced counselor will not push you to deal with anything you are not ready to, but the fact that reading your diary has brought back the old feelings and thoughts says that you have some healing to do yet on this.
I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, and I am so glad you are away from him. Is the new guy understanding of any issues or emotions you have that may be triggered by this stuff?