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User Topic: Did he sexually assault me? Tmi warning
Sorceress
♀ Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

Please relocate this topic if it doesn't belong here.

Some people will remember the back story. In a nutshell, ex cheated on me for two years with a best friend, then when he was "proving" his remorse he was arrested and eventually sent to jail for sleeping with a minor.

Fast forward to today. Complete NC with him. Looking through my old diaries trying to find references to when I was trying to fall pregnant with my daughter ( my sister is trying and wanted some fertility treatment info)- I got absorbed in reading. I always have kept diaries, I pour my thoughts and experiences into them.

I'm concerned. I'm actually wondering now if what my ex did to me classes as sexual assault? We were in a relationship- does that change things? Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes. After my daughter was born he would regularly grab me by the wrist and pull me up the stairs when she was asleep after a feed. I had an exceptionally traumatic birth, lost a lot of blood and had tons of stitches. I was very weak. I could barely stand without being dizzy or vomiting. There's no way I could have resisted. He would make me sit on the bed and he would stand in front of me and demand a hand job or oral sex from me. If I said I was tired or didn't want to, he would make me feel guilty that I was so "messed up" down there from birthing "the baby YOU wanted" and he couldn't do what he wanted yet so I would have to satisfy him this way. Maybe he was punishing me for being unable to continue his A directly after I had our daughter. When she was four weeks old he suggested we try full intercourse. I said no then. When she was four weeks and four days old, he started kissing me and trying to give me a massage to "make me feel better." I was happy. I wanted to feel better. It ended with him pinning me on the floor and penetrating me and me crying and biting my lip and saying "please stop, it really hurts!" He kept saying "no, you'll relax in a minute" and then "you're really killing the mood." I didn't forget this. I just didn't think about it again. I was so unwell and finding myself very unsupported living miles away from anyone I loved. I guess I imagined the way I felt was me overreacting from hormones or something. Seeing it all in my shaky handwriting later that night......ugh, I wanted to throw up!

Then a later entry in my diary details me going to meet a male friend for coffee and him calling me upstairs when I got home and waiting for me with no clothes on, behind a door!? Which he then slammed and called me horrible names, accusing me of sleeping with my friend, asking me if I'd washed his sperm away yet. I was saying "this is crazy, I've never cheated" and he just pulled my trousers off and forced me down and- well....you can guess. I don't want to put too much detail because it makes me feel terrible but the diaries are detailed. After this incident, I told him I hadn't wanted that at all, he should have stopped when I told him to and he said "so, what you're claiming now is that I raped you?! Give me a break!!" And laughed. Am I being really over sensitive here? And if I'm not, should I do something? Because wont it look weird that I didn't say anything before?! Anyone who can offer me advice, even if its to tell me to stop being so over dramatic, please- I invite you to comment before I overanalyse too much.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you wrote made me feel sick. yes, that's sexual assault. No real man would ever treat a woman, much less the mother of his child, like that. Nobody has the right to force themselves on you, regardless of your relationship status. What you described is definitely rape. Brutal, in fact.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual assault or not, at the very minimum this is traumatic and abusive behavior to the extreme.

You WILL suffer damages from such abusive and disgusting behavior from an alleged "loved" one.

Are you in IC Sorceress? I'd strongly suggest this for all the hell you've been through with this "man" (hate to call him that from what you have described). At the same time, a good IC can help you recount these events clearer in such a way that may make a sexual assault charge easier to obtain and prosecute at your discretion.

So sorry you had to go through this! Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is really horrible, I think it qualifies as assault.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5447 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Sorceress
♀ Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I'm not in IC- I've got a lovely relationship now and I'm happy in my life.....it was finding these diary entries that I never forgot I wrote but it was like reminding myself they were there- If that makes any sense? There were parts in them that I had forgotten, mainly because they're so disturbing and so close to being pure evil that I don't think I would have been able to function with them in my head.

Nobody would believe me if I told because he'd produce intimate photographs he still has of me, despite requests to return them and intimate letters I wrote him at the start of our relationship and use them to defame my character- he did it to his ex wife. I know he would do it.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, I'm sick and disgusted by what you wrote.
YES, it was RAPE!
It is compounded that it was by someone who was supposed to protect you and treasure you. Not just as his wife, but as the mother of his child.
I'm sorry. I cannot imagine my STBXH ever doing something so heinous!
I just ate lunch so I'm now a little nauseous.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you know you best Sorceress... it just seems to me to be such a terrible, terrible weight to carry on your shoulders, especially alone! These kinds of things can sometimes have elusive impacts on ourselves in our day to day lives.

And actually, him storing 'intimate' photographs to use as blackmail actually would help in your case. It almost always goes hand in hand with that kind of manipulation, sexual assault and abuse.

I'm so very sorry you had to endure that kind of abusive relationship! And I hope you will take care of yourself to help cope/heal from such events.

Good luck!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, what you've described is rape. And yes, that he would blackmail you to prevent you from reporting it is evidence of his guilt. It would help your case, although you would have to deal with the embarrassment. A good IC would be able to help you with that.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stomach dropped, reading your descriptions.

Sexual assault while healing from a traumatic birth---OMG, that sounds horrendous.

In my book (and I have some background with this, as a rape victim advocate---and also as a victim who did not recognize the violation as rape at the time, perhaps because--like you--it occurred at a time when acknowledgement of it as such would have caused me to come unglued at a time when I could not afford to do so), this was rape. Pure, unadulterated rape.

And I am so very sorry you endured this.

I am glad he is out of your life.

I don't think you're over-analyzing. I suspect you've reached a point in your healing where you have become able to examine these things for what they were, so that you can process them and move forward constructively.

Our minds do tend to mete out trauma in manageable bytes.

Sorceress, don't hesitate to get help with this. Time has passed, but counseling is appropriate even long after the fact. An experienced trauma counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA: Dealing with this constructively does not in ANY way have to involve him. I would strongly recommend that, whether you choose to address it criminally or not, you DO address it with a therapist.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, you're not overthinking or overanalyzing. You were absolutely assaulted. It breaks my heart how many times I've heard people wonder if being in a relationship means it's not rape. Any time you are forced or coerced against your will it is assault.

You did NOTHING wrong. You were vulnerable and confused. I'd love to see you get some support for this - it is too great a weight to carry on your own.

Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this, and you are not to blame. You deserve compassion and support for what you have been through.

(((Sorceress)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sorceress))) I am so sorry. How very horrible and disturbing. Your WSO is truly a sick, sick man. I hope he was sentenced to a very long prison term.

I would classify what he did as sexual assualt, Sorceress.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First f all this was Rape. This was non consensual sex. He's lucky he's still around, meaning if someone had done that to me and any of my loved ones found out they would murder him.

He had absolute control over you and you are an abused woman. That's why you are afraid to do or say anything. Who the F cares if he has intimate photos of you. You were his wife it's not like you didn't have sex, I think that's a given so he has pics of you naked, giving a bj, or whatever unless your screwing a horse no one and I mean no one will give a rip and if they do they lead really boring lives.

You need to contact your local woman's shelter find support groups for rape and domestic violence. These are free and you are with women who have shared experiences. They are all at different stages of healing. Rely on friends and family for love and support. Do not be ashamed, be proud that you did your best but you can't fix that level of fucked up. Find peace in that.

Honey you deserve oh so much more. Share this with your new partner. He deserves to know. This will effect your relationship and of you ever trigger he will know why.

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is absolutely heartbreaking.... The pure cruelty of it. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

I never cease to be stunned and amazed at the hurt that some people are able to inflict on people they are supposed to cherish and love.

(((sorceress)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What that man did is vile and repugnant. I don't see how it isn't assault. I'm sorry you had to suffer that.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Angry  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This ^^^^^^^^ and everything said before. Omg. Yes this is rape. I'm so very sorry this happened to you.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to read about this, and your pain.

In my opinion, it was rape, and it was also sadistic. That scares me for you! You are not being overly dramatic at all, as you recall these events.

I was so glad to read you have NC with him. Please seek counseling for the rape and the other issues that are wrapped up with it.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, rape, along with verbal, psychological, and physical abuse.

I'm so terribly sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a pig.
Make this experience harden your heart a little. Let no man disrespect and abuse you in this manner ever again and insist on courtesy and appropriate behavior in your relationships.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorceress - Even your posts before were indicative of sexual assault. Your diaries are only confirming this fact.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sorceress)))
I'm so sorry.

We were in a relationship- does that change things?
No. No means no, even when you are married or in a relationship. You ALWAYS have the right to say no, no matter who or when. In fact, you can be in the middle of sex and start to feel uncomfortable and you have the right to stop it at that point also.

Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes
Your ex is a sick man. I am sure he knew what he was doing. His pushing sex on you when you were not comfortable with it is a power and torment game. You were vulnerable and he took advantage. I'm so sorry.

I agree with getting a counselor to work thru this. You may feel like it isn't bothering you, but that type of trauma will sit inside until you are able to confront it and work thru the trauma. Make sure your counselor has experience with sexual/psychological abuse. A good experienced counselor will not push you to deal with anything you are not ready to, but the fact that reading your diary has brought back the old feelings and thoughts says that you have some healing to do yet on this.

I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, and I am so glad you are away from him. Is the new guy understanding of any issues or emotions you have that may be triggered by this stuff?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 42
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