Arenít you glad you are rid of him?
You need to contact a rape crisis center and just talk to someone.
I know exactly how you feel and I'm so very sorry that you went through this. He dehumanized and abused you. There is such a thing as spousal rape. Look it up in your state's criminal code.
He deserves to be in the exact place that he is.....jail. And he deserves to rot there.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
He got sixteen months in prison, eight served inside and eight allegedly served in the community. Although all that's happened is that he's been allowed to live back in this town and apply for jobs etc. I'm in England- our laws are different and naming and shaming him for being a child sex offender would incur criminal charges.
There is so much more in my diary than I wrote here. He's definitely messed up when it comes to sex. I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
So, even if the client or someone the client knows has broken a law, confidentiality rules out. What are your rules/codes/laws for confidentiality? Also, if you see a counselor, they should go over their confidentiality rules very carefully and you have every right (and obligation) to make sure you ask questions and completely understand.
This would be worth checking into, because if that is what is stopping you from getting the help you need, it may not be totally valid.
And what about a protective/restraining order? Do you ever see him? Does he make you nervous that he is out there wandering around (or is he still in prison right now)?
I think, even if you can't see a counselor immediately, a very good step would be contacting a domestic abuse advocate/women's shelter. Your ex was abusive. You have every right to avail yourself of their services. I am not as familiar as how it works in the U.K. but I do know they have a domestic abuse hotline and that may be a good place to start. Even though you have left, you are still having some issues and a good advocate can help you work thru the mess he has left behind. And also, she/he can help you if you decide to go to court (over here, advocates will go to court with you, help you with all the paperwork necessary to file protective orders or criminal complains, find safe shelter for you and your children, help you find counseling, help you find a lawyer, help you find resources to get back on your feet, encourage and support you and so much more.)
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:42 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
And to top it off your diaries, made soon after the events, are very compelling evidence of his assaults on you. They are very similar to a police officer's notebooks, which are recognized as the best way to document recent events in order to refresh your memory of them later when required to for court.
I highly, HIGHLY, recommend you make an appointment to speak with the sexual assault unit of your local police force.
Call their office, say you'd like to report a historic spousal sexual abuse case, that you have detailed evidence and that the abuser is already in custody on other sex related charges. Theyíd really like to hear from you. For them, itís a slam dunk.
This thing walking around discussed as a human being needs to have as many nails placed in his coffin as humanly possible. Driven in with pointy, jagged rocks.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
Also, I would like to agree with getting IC. As a young teen, 13, I was date raped. I never told a soul. It wasn't until my first counseling session, 26 yrs later, that I opened up about it and it put so many things in perspective for me and my DH. I had no idea how much that experience from so long ago had effected my daily life for so many years.
Please go talk to someone about it.
As for confidentiality- I know for a fact if you personally confess a crime during counselling or psychiatric sessions, the police will be called. And I have read plenty of accounts of the counsellor being duty bound to inform the police when hearing from the victim too.
It would never get anywhere, I'd be regarded as a liar and probably harassed or threatened and will have to move again... Charges are unlikely to be pressed as I had many many opportunities to do so and didn't- I never really properly mentioned it or organised my thoughts on it until now
What this man put you through is terrible. What should have been a happy time in your life turned in to an awful time. He was trying to make you resent having your daughter. It sounds like a combination of punishing you because one-you had DD and two you found out about his A.
I am sorry you went through this.
Like someone else here suggested, I'd look into contacting the local woman's abuse hotline. I realize it's been a while, but what if he gets out of prison and wants anything to do with your child? Don't ever assume that because he's in there right now, that the courts will never give him rights, where your child is concerned. For some crazy ass reason, some courts grant visitation regardless of who the parent is.
Make sure you have this documented. The law will probably want to see your diary (it's a timeline and documention). You don't want this monster to EVER come back and get his hands on your child.
In the meantime, congratulations on your new relationship . Keep in mind, as healthy as it is, you probably should still consider some IC. Even if it's just to reassure you, that how you feel you should be treated by a man, is actually the correct way. There may be things you still need to tackle.
Take care of yourself and kudos to you for being so strong!
NOT JUST NO, but HELL NO!!!!
They won't look at you as being weaker, they will support you, and be even more impressed with what you have been able to do since getting rid of him. In addition they will give you love and support through this. This is not attention seeking, and if you choose to find excuses why you can't share this abuse, physical, sexual, and mental with anyone that cares about you, or go to therapy then you are rugsweeping, and sister this shit will come back and haunt you.
Lastly this is not something you should be embarrassed about. You were manipulated, and isolated, to the point where his was the voice of reason. You are not the first person that this has happened to, and certainly won't be the last. You may not feel strong enough to share with loved ones, but trust me when I say Your loved ones will support you, they will believe you, and they won't judge you. They may get angry for what he did, they may be upset for the pain he caused, the damage he did. if they judge, then they don't truly love you.
I bet you will only be confirming what most of them suspected in the first place.
What you went through makes me shudder and fills me with grief. And what your going through now can be so stressfull.
You're gaining strength and with it come a new perspective of what your life with him was like.
Back then i imagine you felt alone and that you didn't have any options but to struggle through the pain and hope things would get better.
But now you know you have both strength and options. And that what he did to you was evil. It shouldn't go unpunished and he should never have the opportunity to do it someone else.
I hope you find the strength to tell your friends, family and the authorities what a monster this person is. They will understand the fear and doubt you lived with back then. They will understand that you couldn't act until you realized just how strong you were and that you really did have options. And they will help you find even more strength.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:05 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
When proving his guilt, they can't use his prior convictions against him in court.
But an investigator will look at his history, and his convictions, and your hand written notes, made shortly after the event as strong evidence that there is more than just a "He Said She Said" situation here.
Even if he isn't charged or convicted, your report of spousal assault and spousal sexual assault will help the next poor victim when he lies his way into her bed.
Sorceress, I'm not trying to badger you into doing something you aren't ready for. By all means follow your instincts. But you have a strong case here. I've dealt with cases with alot less.
I used their online chat counseling, totally free and confidential, and it was amazing. It was a good baby step toward getting into therapy. Hopefully it works from UK. I promise they will not minimize the assault you endured.