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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Talk me down please
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the child transition today (I am coming into the home with my children for the next three days, while my WW leaves)I did my best to not get angry. As she was pulling out of the driveway, I smiled towards her shaking me head. Her response through the windshield was a muted/annoyed, "What!?"

I didn't respond other than continue to smile and shake my head.

I now want to respond to her with an e-mail where I answer saying the following:

You asked what I was smiling at. I was wondering to myself how someone I thought was a good person could be so cruel and heartless. How did you fool me for so long? How could you choose your boyfriend over keeping your family, your kids and husband intact? I was wondering whether you would ever eel ashamed of betraying your beliefs and values. You should be embarrassed to call yourself a (church group affiliation). I was wondering whether you would say it was ok for your children's future spouses to do to them what you have done to me. Just wondering.

But I know there is no point to sending this to her. But I just needed to say it somewhere. I still want to send it, so talk me down people.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((kg))))) Consider it said. And don't you dare send it. Leave her wondering, because your words, your feelings, your thoughts are no longer available to her. She lost that privilege.

Hang in there, kg.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you won't send it. That would be wrong and we'd all be very cross with you.

And you're going to stop engaging at all with the head shaking and other nonsense, too. Just stop!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will take your stern advice as well, Naturegirl!

Right there with you, kg. Keep it inside. Nothing will reach her. Let the moment pass.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it!

Or write the email and send it to yourself, sometimes that is satifying enough for me...like email masterbation...

That byotch does not deserve to know why you are shaking your head at her. I wouldn't even look her in the eyes, she doesn't deserve even that. Just avoid eye contact, like she is too discusting to look at.

You can send me the email and if you want I can pretend to be her!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I haven't sent it. I appreciate the responses. You all made me chuckle and the moment has passed.

Sleepless, you caught me...I was staring at her before the moment I described in my original post. She kept looking away and asked me why I was staring at her. I told her I was just looking at her face, but I was wondering whether she wasn't returning my look because she was ashamed. Or I may just be reading into it. Hope it was shame, but I know I won't ever know.

Also, sleepless, I appreciate the offer to take one for the team, but you don't want to pretend to be her. That's not a load to take on lightly.

[This message edited by kg201 at 7:50 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haha, I thought of something really nasty and discusting to say about how I can't really pretend to be someone like her...and it involves a "dumpster"reference.

I could bet what she would say though...I wasn't happy for a long time, my needs weren't being met, it takes two to have problems in a marriage, you'll be better off, I don't know why I did it, It isn't fair to you, you deserve better, ILYBINILWY, why are you over reacting.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could bet what she would say though...I wasn't happy for a long time, my needs weren't being met, it takes two to have problems in a marriage, you'll be better off, I don't know why I did it, It isn't fair to you, you deserve better, ILYBINILWY, why are you over reacting.

Sleepless, you have part of that correct. Her response would be more "it takes one, you, to have problems in a marriage."


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Shocked  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, of course it must be your fault...dummy!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no point in saying it. She doesn't get it. And if she ever does "get it", it won't be because of something you said.

Now, I'm not opposed to a well placed comment, should the opportunity present itself....but this particular moment, I wouldn't. You'll get your chance, when her life blows up. Which it will.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't happy for a long time, my needs weren't being met, it takes two to have problems in a marriage, you'll be better off, I don't know why I did it, It isn't fair to you, you deserve better, ILYBINILWY, why are you over reacting.
Straight out of the WS handbook. Mine said every single word here.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She really doesn't get it...and that is so frustrating! I know folks on SI have talked about how the person the WW is after dday is different from the one before, but it is such a mind-fuck to see these two completely different people. My WWs recent thing is how she is an "invincible summer in a long harsh winter". An Albert Camus quote, but she is implying that after all of these years of unhappiness with me, and all the fear of her impending death, she has found strength enough to leave me. She is stronger for cheating and finding a new mate and leaving my ass behind, and then she says she is afraid to be in my presence because of comments I make during the child care transitions. What the hell does she have to be afraid of? I haven't done anything to her other than express my anger at her infidelity.

Mind games. Tough day. Better now, but still. Why can't I just hate her!?!


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2X4 time kg

I didn't respond other than continue to smile and shake my head

That is such an obvious, direct gesture. You intentionally did that to let her know how you are feeling. That can only lead to engagement from her. You wanted the interaction. What did you expect that your behaviour would elicit?

Stop it. No reactions. No targeted head shaking. NOTHING. Exchange children and nothing else!!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4 accepted. I know. I know. I know.

I just want her to feel some remorse. I want her to have some consequences for her behavior. She is not allowed to leave this earth not knowing how fucked up she has left it!!

And I know none of that will happen. I know I have to just be the best me I can be. It is just so damn hard!

I have my monthly cancer caregiver group tonight, and I have no cancer patient to care for anymore. I am looking forward to it, because they were supportive when I told them about my situation last time, and I need some talk therapy (my IC is away for 3 weeks again).

Just


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is never going to get it. You already do know that. But, she has to live with herself and I firmly believe it is better to be you in this situation than to be her. She has a black soul, and she is never going to be right after this. Be thankful your relationship with her is over and she couldn't suck you further into her darkness.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The dark side...hmmm...early on after dday she did once say that I sounded like a Sith Lord. I guess it takes one to know one.

Feeling better tonight. The cancer support group was good. I take a lot of comfort in providing support to others, so it was good to feel like myself in the group. I was even able to do the child transition again tonight after I got back, with WW and MIL milling about the house with no conflict. I was good. They left and now I sit watching Uncle Grandpa on Cartoon Network with my kids.

And I am considering going out to a club to dance on Friday night.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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