I think everything needs to be on the table, and there just can't be any covert activity. Is it possible that he has decided he is gay, and not bi, but is reluctant to give up the family? I think I would be working on that angle pretty hard.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months
In MC & Reconciling
Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time. ; )
When he came home from the separation, with in a month things shifted. He was trying to "rectify his "friendship" with one of his affair partners,
Now, since he's come home, he is on Craigslist reading ads, of all types. ...I just checked the history on his computer, and he is still reading Craigslist.
Not sure how long he's been home, but his boundaries leave a lot to be desired. Have you discussed healthy boundaries in MC?
And, specifically, what does your bisexual WH do with 15 minutes and he's just bored? I think boredom and weak boundaries easily lead to the slippery slope of acting out.
he's had three affairs
It sounds as if you need a complete start over with very deep conversation from both of you. Neither of you needs to hold back, it all needs to be said for a true R to happen. Neither of you needs to be guessing any thing about the other. Lay out your collective needs and wants before considering R. If they do not mesh, consider MC. If you no longer want the open relationship, one of your needs will be for that season of your life to end and commit to each other.
You cannot be his keeper. Either he is in this with you or against you. If you have to go behind him to keep him honest and open, he is not all in. Sometimes achieving a good marriage means giving up something for the general good. As an adulterer your H needs to look at this time like an alcoholic. You do not let a newly recovering alcoholic sip wine every night. Trolling sexually related hook up sites is the same as wine to the alcoholic. He says he is in, but really?
Could you give up erotica for him if he gives up trolling? Put those energies and time into each other and the world would spin for you. Do not look at it as a penalty but a gift to each other.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
It started out as "just looking."
IMO..if he was wanting to "satisfy" his bisexual side..and still be faithful to you..then he doesn't have to do it on craigslist. There is quite a wide variety of gay porn out there(since you are ok with the porn).
My WH hooked up with a man. Once. I basically harrassed him for the first several months after dday,and finally,under duress,he told me he is bisexual. Now,he says he is not..was curious..is no longer curious..and has zero interest.
But his being bi..or not..and your WH's being bisexual doesn't matter when it comes to fidelity. Fidelity is a choice. WH chooses to be faithful to me. Being bi..or curious..isn't license to fuck anything and everything. I like men..I am heterosexual..but I *choose* to only be with my husband.
Have you told him flat out,no more craigslist?
He's had 3 affairs..and shitty boundaries...craigslist is REAL people..and way too much temptation. He is playing with fire.
ETA: Before dday, I liked porn too. I watched it with WH..and alone..on occasion. After dday we have a no porn "rule." He admitted the porn was a slippery slope to craigslist,and that porn was a problem for him. So no more porn for him. I,too,gave up the porn. First,it triggered the crap put of me,made me feel insecure,showed me what WH preferred to me,etc,etc,etc. Now I have no use for porn because it is unhealthy for my marriage.
It is ok to tell your WH no more porn,if you think he has an issue with it. But,IMO,only if you are willing to give it up too.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:49 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Being bi is not an excuse to continuing to stray outside a relationship.
Is exactly what I was thinking.
Now that we are in what I hope is R, I don't mind porn. I don't. I watch porn too. I don't care what porn he watches either, gay, bi, doesn't matter. But the problem I kept coming to was that he wouldn't stop at just watching. He would comment on the video, or would go and comment on nude pics that people post online to get reviews/praise from people. It seemed that he had no boundaries.
No boundaries + boredum = betrayal.
I told him that he can watch porn as long as there is no interaction at all. No commenting, reviewing, webcam, nothing. And nothing that is "real" people. Ie- people on websites or forums that post the pics to get ego kibbles. Only videos of some random "actors". Also as long as it doesn't detract from the family and if I ask he doesn't lie about it.
I said that if I happen to find any kind of comment or reply, etc. either way, even if it is just a "hey", DONE.
No boundaries + boredum = betrayal
And through the experimentation's, if you will, he has discovered his enjoyment of only one part of the whole bi thing that he likes.
My WH says CL is what led him down this slippery slope to a ONS with a CL hooker. I'm not 100% sure that's the entire reason, but far too slipper to ever risk it again.
We too 'experimented'. Our sex life was non-existent, until we started talking about our wildest fantasies last April. Immediately it all changed. (should've been a red flag, that only freaky fantasies make him want to have sex with me!) He became obsessed with the experimentations, to the point where he was making excuses out of the blue for us to go out of town, in hopes he could 'schedule' something freaky while we were gone!
Ultimately he scheduled a hooker for himself!
Now if I find any clues at all that say he's been on CL, it is an absolute deal breaker for me!!! Crazy freaky experiments..... never happening again! I went outside myself to please his sexual desires & this is where it got me.
Do not allow CL in your relationship! Whatever else the 2 of you do, that is mutually consensual, and does not involve any interaction with 'real' people is one thing. Solitary CL trolling, No Bueno!!
Hugs & I hope you two can set boundaries you are comfortable with!