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User Topic: "Permission to take time" = How do you know you've had enough?
laliz
♀ New Member
Member # 38267
Question  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and I have been fighting a lot lately. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with this particular "anniversary" as this time last year, his EA was starting up with MOW.

Throughout all of this emotional rollercoaster since DDay, I feel like the one thing that has been on my side is T-I-M-E. I gave myself permission to take as much time as I needed to figure out if I want to move toward R or D.

However, although my professional life (and personal life separate from him) continues to grow bigger and brighter, my feelings for him remains relatively unchanged. I feel like I have plenty of other sources of happiness and fulfillment in my life, while my feelings for him remain stagnant at best and disgusted at worst.

Because I have given myself permission to take as much time as I need, I am now in this confused place. I'm not sure when I'll 'know' my decision has been made because what if I need more time to figure it out? Or what if I have figured it out and just have to accept whatever decision I think I've made?

I'm feeling really lost and overwhelmed with the future, whichever way it goes (i.e., R or D). Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated.

[This message edited by laliz at 12:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
laliz
♀ New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes fantasize that he starts up his affair with her and leaves me for her. This would relieve me of having to make any choice or effort, AND she is so unpleasant that it would fulfill my inner sense of junior high justice knowing he is 'losing' with her instead of 'winning' with me.

EDIT: grammar

[This message edited by laliz at 12:30 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! Laliz, I often think the same thing: He should just go to her... Figure it out. Maybe the fantasy will last forever and he will be happy, happy, happy. Or maybe not. I just know that once he goes back to her, I am done. I would never take him back a second time. I don't think the fantasy "I told you so" moment is worth destroying my family over. There's just way too much at stake. So I turn away from that fantasy...

You don't say anything about how your WS is handing any R. Is he making efforts? Are you? Your tag line says you are living as roomates. If no effort is being made to R, I don't know how you move forward. Even when trying to R, we are making progress -- even if that progress eventually leads us on a decision path that we are "unreconcilable". KWIM?

It sounds like you are doing well with 180 - concentrating on you, living your life. That's all good. If that leads you to a feeling of ambivalence toward him, I guess the answer will eventually become clear.

I don't want to live in a "half" M. If we R, we both agree that we want our M to be really great. We don't want to settle and just exist in our M. Do you know what you want?


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI laliz.

I know where you are all too well. And distinctly remember constantly asking myself, "Am I done?" "What about now?" "It's been six more months, how about NOW?" Every time frame I set came and went and yet, here I am!

And that's my message to you.

There has to come a time where you look at both your spouse and yourself and decide if this is the person you want to be with. Not the affair person - but THIS person. Does HE want to do everything possible to make you happy? If he does all this stuff, will YOU be happy?

Lastly, and this may be of most importance, can you make the conscious effort to let go and allow both of you to move forward?

It's been a year for you guys. You should know by now where his head is at. In my opinion, and very, very gently... if you're still uncertain as to whether or not he has what it takes - then it's time to let go.

There is strength in working through it. But there's also strength in recognizing that it's not happening and having enough self confidence to move along.

I wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of happiness.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
laliz
♀ New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just know that once he goes back to her, I am done. I would never take him back a second time.

^Hallelujah and Amen to this

To answer your question, yes he is working towards/hoping for R, but I am indifferent. We are both in IC, and he attends a group session once a week, but none of it seems 'authentic' yet...I s'pose because there's just been so little time for such great big damage.

He has expressed anger and frustration at me lately and my (lack of) timeline. He apologizes afterwards, but only after it's turned into an ugly fight. Like I tell him, his words mean nothing to me anymore, and he has lost the privilege to have any 'benefit of doubt.' The only thing he has left to show me he's changed are his ACTIONS. He has complained that he has very little room for error in this situation, which I always answer with "Exactly."

Our fight this morning was that he doesn't like how I talk to him, and that I make him feel stupid. As with past fights on this issue, I say that I don't really want to talk about it because it feels like an issue that 'couples' need to work out, and we are not a couple. I also tell him that I'm sorry to come off so harshly, but I really don't care at this point how he feels. Maybe this indifference will change in the future, maybe it won't, but right now, I have no desire to channel any of my energy into him, or our non-existent relationship.

Do I sound unreasonable?

EDIT: formatting

[This message edited by laliz at 1:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
laliz
♀ New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has to come a time where you look at both your spouse and yourself and decide if this is the person you want to be with. Not the affair person - but THIS person. Does HE want to do everything possible to make you happy? If he does all this stuff, will YOU be happy?

Thanks Life--this is good advice.

It's been a year for you guys. You should know by now where his head is at. In my opinion, and very, very gently... if you're still uncertain as to whether or not he has what it takes - then it's time to let go

I also feel myself leaning towards this option on some days, but other times it seems do-able and optimistic. The roller coaster of up and down emotions makes it really hard to standstill and take a deep breath.


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laliz,

Not sure I can help other then to say I feel the same way often.

As far as wishing your WS would act out again, I have spent way too much time contemplating WW cheating again and what I would do. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop". I think this is a natural defense mechanism we use to prevent getting punched in the gut again. I know this is causing me to hold back a bit,

I hate work, so I have thrown myself into being healthy. I know many loss weight due to the A diet, but I actually gained weight . I lost the drive to work out. However I have since gained it back, the drive not the weight Probably fitter that I have ever been and looking to partake in some events I never thought I could to. My point in mentioning this is this new focus is helping to rebuilt my self worth. I feel much better about myself than I have in a long time.

However this also causes issues, because I feel I deserve better than being with a WS - regardless of the work she is doing.

Like you I am just waiting to see if I can make it through this process. Some days no problem, other days not a chance.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However this also causes issues, because I feel I deserve better than being with a WS - regardless of the work she is doing.

Like you I am just waiting to see if I can make it through this process. Some days no problem, other days not a chance.

^^^How I feel with my WH^^^


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure when I'll 'know' my decision has been made because what if I need more time to figure it out? Or what if I have figured it out and just have to accept whatever decision I think I've made?

The latter question is your answer.

You are not looking for permission for more time to find out if you want to be there... i think you are asking for more time because you are not sure HOW you are going to get out now.

If you don't want him involved in your happiness now, like he would just dull out everything that you have accomplished, then I would suggest that you give yourself a date now. The open endedness is creating a 'should I stay or should I go' and having a date would be more like "i have to be out by this time"


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
markyall
♂ New Member
Member # 37808
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This hits home, I've no advice to give as I feel the exact same way, minus the fighting

just wanted to say thanks for sharing, helps


Me:BH 42
Her:WS 36
two kids-still in school
Dday 052512

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2012
laliz
♀ New Member
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the feedback. I'm feeling a bit down about where I go from here.

My life separate from him is moving forward quickly and positively, while he (and the marriage) feel like I'm so weighted down.


Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship” by Mira Kirshenbaum contains a series of 36 questions to help resolve your ambivalence.

It's the too-ing and fro-ing that sucks the soul out of you!

ETA: I think you know your answer, I just don't think you've given yourself permission to leave (FYI, this is one of the 36 questions)

[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:12 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I re-read your post and, I have to say, ,I think you ARE being a bit unreasonable. Unless, of course, you are simply done but don't want to admit it.

I also tell him that I'm sorry to come off so harshly, but I really don't care at this point how he feels. Maybe this indifference will change in the future, maybe it won't, but right now, I have no desire to channel any of my energy into him, or our non-existent relationship.

This can't continue. At a year out you need to force yourself off the fence. You need to determine if this is the guy you want to spend your life with - again, not the affair person, but THIS person. Are you IN LOVE with this man?

I recognize that this is difficult. But I have often said that people know how they feel - deep in their gut. When you sit down next to him on the couch and hold his hand, or lay in bed next to him. How do you feel?

Now... if what you FEEL is that he isn't pulling his weight, or isn't doing what you want - then this is a different issue. Then he's not doing HIS job and, quite frankly, at a year out I'd be done.

So which is it? Is it him not doing what he needs to or was the affair a deal breaker?

If he's really trying, and it wasn't a deal breaker, then you cannot be indifferent. You need to let him back in so that you BOTH can recover.

Reconciliation requires effort by both partners - and it is very difficult. If either of you aren't in it, then you're out and just biding your time.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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