So I've been posting on here for the majority of the past 7 months. It's been an up and down roller coaster. I guess I had to go through it the way I had to go through it to learn that my unremorseful WS was never going to come back and the little shred of hope I had is now gone.
I've gone NC. Only email. Many SI posters have told me that this is the best way to deal with someone who acts the way my WS has acted. NC and treat it like a business.
Last week I was on my knees asking God to take the pain away. I was crying like it was DDay all over again. I was contemplating calling a suicide hotline, not because I can't live without my WS (I've been doing that for the last 7 months...with a new baby at that!), but because the emotional pain was crippling. He moved out of his sister's house and is now renting a room somewhere (if that is the real story). He never told me. He lied to me. It was devastating to learn that he moved (which just showed me he had no intention of ever coming back). When I confronted him about it, he just took my sadness and my weakness and turned it around on me and everything blew up into another catastrophic fight. This man is not my friend. He isn't my husband...he is toxic.
Other SI posters have used the term "crazy making" before..it is crazy making. You end up losing yourself in the anger, bitterness, confusion, sense of betrayal, sense of injustice...etc.
As soon as I went NC...the emails, texts, and phone calls started. I even caught him driving past the house during a time when he had scheduled visitation with the baby. I wanted to take the baby to meet a family friend and through his mother (I'm so serious about NC that I'm only speaking to his mother right now) he asked that I not take the baby to dinner because it was HIS time with the baby. I was scheduled to pick the baby up at 8:30pm. At 7:30pm he went driving past my house. He was NOT with the baby. The baby was at my in-laws and they live 15 minutes away. So as I've known all along...his concern for his son is all for show.
It is what you all have said: CRAZY MAKING!!!!
So I tried 180, I've tried to get along, to be civil, to be accommodating so that he has his time with DS despite all of the BS.
The hope is gone. It's been killed. The love is there, but the love I have is for someone that probably didn't ever exist. For now I'm blocking him from texting or calling. I've been scolded from worried friends that think if something happens to the baby he won't be able to reach me. But he could call him mom and his mom could call me. There is always email too.
Right now I have to protect myself. I just wanted to write this out in case others who are in my same boat are facing the same choices. I tried 180. I tried a lot of different things. NC makes me feel like myself again.
I've also gone public. Everyone at work knows I'm getting a Divorce now. I didn't want to accept that I was headed for Divorce, but when your husband moves and you don't even know his address or that he moved...well then...I guess that's a HUGE sign. Not like the cheating, lying, blame-shifiting, emotional abandonment, and emotional abuse weren't enough...but I think I finally found my last straw.
Thank you friends...you were all right all along. I never doubted you, I just held out hope. I feel much healthier. I know which way I'm going now and it can only be better than the last 7 months.