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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need help, totally shut down-long
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG -

Others have given you much of what I would have suggested. I just wanted to lend you my support. My best to your son and him working through his struggles.

I would just add that I hate the absolutism that follows the term deal breaker. Life is rarely black and white as we all know too well. In many ways my W's A was a deal breaker for me. I stopped loving her after her A for a while. It broke. We are fixing it, my guess is you can try also...

Another thing to remember is just how hard this stuff is. People say that all the time, but for those of us who have gotten to a good spot and had set backs it is at times very hard to remember when you are in the middle of the turmoil.

take care..

[This message edited by wert at 10:53 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just add that I hate the absolutism that follows the term deal breaker. Life is rarely black and white as we all know too well. In many ways my W's A was a deal breaker for me. I stopped loving her after her A for a while. It broke. We are fixing it, my guess is you can try also...

Another thing to remember is just how hard this stuff is. People say that all the time, but for those of us who have gotten to a good spot and had set backs it is at times very hard to remember when you are in the middle of the turmoil

I very much agree with this.

I realized this morning that somewhere in the midst of all of this, I forgot to let go of the outcomes. I started hanging on to everything again. Today I begin to let go.

[This message edited by tired girl at 10:36 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey TG, I just wanted to give you back a gift you gave me in January. I hope you can use it.

You know it is ok to sit back and not feel all wonderful and hopeful about R at times right?
You need to be willing to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, provided your not sitting in depression.

There were a lot of times I sat in total limbo, and didn't even know if I loved him anymore. And I had to give myself the permission to feel that. And eventually I started to move through that to where I am now.

It is ok to be where you are. There will be another stage. Not all are comfortable. I have found not fighting them helps.

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG, I have been here since March - not long. But I read your posts and I read them again. You have helped me think and feel better with a sentence or two even if it was not directed at me. So right now I just want to send some good things your way. Surely they will come.

((TG)) ((your son))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing to remember is just how hard this stuff is. People say that all the time, but for those of us who have gotten to a good spot and had set backs it is at times very hard to remember when you are in the middle of the turmoil.

Oh wert, so true!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know it is ok to sit back and not feel all wonderful and hopeful about R at times right?
You need to be willing to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, provided your not sitting in depression.
There were a lot of times I sat in total limbo, and didn't even know if I loved him anymore. And I had to give myself the permission to feel that. And eventually I started to move through that to where I am now.

It is ok to be where you are. There will be another stage. Not all are comfortable. I have found not fighting them helps.

great advice. hugs TG!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG, I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain right now. I know honesty in a relationship is a big key to making things work. I can understand how hard it would be to find out about something on your own and not having your husband tell you about them. My husband found out about my A that way. It is something that was hard to work through because of my lack of honesty.

There are times that I have used horrible coping mechanisms to try and solve a problem. Stuff learned from childhood. But they are things that I have been working through. I really hope that HL can look at the situation and realize how things are and work through it with you.

Back in March, I hid something from my husband and when I went to work he found out about it. We had a very awkward conversation at my lunch and again when I got home. But we worked through it. I had no intention in hurting him, I had no intent behind it at all.

It is good to hear he is starting IC again. I hope he can get the help that is needed to make your marriage work.

I know this is hard for you, stay strong. You can do this.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for all of the support. It really helps. Doing better today. This place is amazing, the support and the amount of wisdom that can be found here has always been such a source of comfort for me when I am trying to work through something. Thank you all for reaching out and helping me back up.

HL is being really great, he gets where we are at. Keep us in your thoughts this weekend, we are going camping and it looks like our youngest may go with us. Time spent with him right now is always bittersweet.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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