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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Having a rough week *pity party post*
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotionally I am beaten up. I recently found out some very disturbing information about stbx and I am riddled both with guilt for keeping my son in proximatiom to him for so long and the fact that I was so utterly blind to the depth of brokeness in my stbx. He is seriously messed up. Also the divorce will be final in two weeks which I am very happy about but it is 2 days before our would-be anniversary so I'm also triggering. It's just been emotional. I have NO time for myself and haven't been able to see a IC yet since moving out of in-house seperation almost 2 months ago. I did speak to me IC ove the phone twice after the newest shock.

Anyway I am a single mom 24/7 full time. Full custody. Stbx has seen him once since the move and it was a supervised visit (so I was with). I have no help and no time for myself. My son is my whole life and I love him beyond words. We struggled to have him (4 IVF's) and I am so thankful for him. So it's really hard for me to admit I need a break. I need some me-time or a IC session at least. He is a year and half old and just perfect. The thing is it is difficult when you never get a break. Even if just an hour to cry my heart out about the newest horrors. I am working so harf to protect my son and make up for the dad I chose for him and I'm feeling like I'm failing. This week I am too emotional and I don't know how to get a break. He jas severe seperation anxiety so I can't leave him with a stranger/nanny. No friends or family that can take him for an hour or two. It's all on me.

This new beginning has been mostly awesome. I moved far far away from stbx. My son has really taken to our new home and environment and loves it here. I love it too although the stress and pressure is immense. I'm type A and usually have plans for every contingency and I currently live day to day, not knowing what I'm going to do in a month or year or 10 years. It was advised by my IC to take one challenge at a time so I am not so overwhelmed. The newest info about stbx has thrown me completely off my game though and add the no breaks to that I am feeling a bit defeated which frustrates me because I am happy with the new start and I feel immense guilt for needing a break from parenting. I constantly feel like a failure and like I'm going to fail my son too. I have failed everything else in my life. People keep saying how strong I am and how much they admire me but what have I done? Other than get into this mess, marry a psychopath and put my son in danger (by marrying said fuckface)

How do you do it all? They say it takes a village to raise a child.... Well my son only has me. And I am failing. He deserves better. I love him so much. I just need a break it's been non-stop drama and emergencies and crap for two years now. I have been holding it together and doing what needs to be done despite turmoil but I am losing grip. I know tomorrow is a new day and I will feel better again and regret posting (as always) buy heck as of now I just feel so useless and hopeless. I have no clue how I'm hoing to sustain this for 18 years or how I am going to support my son and be both a mom and dad to him and protect him from his perverted father and make enough money to feed him and find enough time for quality time with him and and and. How am I suppose to do it ALL alone? I am just one person and he deserves so much more.

Ugh! Having a major pity party here. I'm tired of feeling defeated and as if I am barely keeping head above water. Of course there are many good things going for us too but currently the bad things are weighing me down.

Give me a pep talk/some superpowers/a snap-out-of-it-slap/anything please!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crap I meant to post this in the divorce forums but I guess it can work here too? Sorry!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh course it works in this forum too! I'm so very sorry you are struggling so, BD. You sound like an amazing mom and it is the toughest job imaginable. I know that you feel like a failure, but reading your post I can clearly see that you are NOT! We all feel that way at times, but it isn't the truth...it is just a feeling and feelings aren't facts.

(The following is said very gently) That said, I worry that you have set yourself up for a big fall from exhaustion. You need a break from mommyhood, Sweetheart! How can you get one? Is there a way to ease your son into a care taking situation...a little bit at a time. I know he may hate it when you leave in someone you can trust's care, but he needs to have you leave him in someone you can trust's care. It is essential for his development to bond with other people. Could you speak with his pediatrician about his separation anxiety? Have your therapist find someone who can help with his ability to transition to another's care. Perhaps they could recommend a therapist for you and for him together so you can learn some behavioral techniques for lessening his (and your?) separation anxiety. And they can recommend a qualified day care or babysitter perhaps also. You NEED to find a way of getting yourself away from being MOMMY 24/7 for his sake! It isn't good for you to be an exhausted Mom...it isn't good for you to model lack of self care...it isn't good for him to have only you providing his with safety and security...you really need to find a way to use the village...

I'm so sorry that you are uncovering additional shit about your stbxh...the depths of their brokenness can be amazingly difficult to see to the bottom of. Forgive yourself for not seeing it...you don't know what you don't know, and you did the best you could with the information you had.

((big hugs))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs


((BD))

You'll get through this. I promise.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenDaisy))) what you're feeling is completely normal but YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. "Put your oxygen mask on before assisting others" is good advice here.

Get references for a sitter and spend some time together to ease the transition. You need a break once in a while to recharge. An hour or two here or there makes a big difference. (Hell, the anticipation of an hour knowing it's on the calendar helps!)

I D'd when my kids were young. I felt terrible guilt for choosing the father I did, etc. All that guilt made me feel compelled to go it alone and I refused all help. It almost put me in the hospital. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.I didn't sleep becuase I was awake all night formulating a plan B and C and D. I lost my job because I couldn't focus on anything.

It took a while before I saw the damage I was doing to myself and my kids.

Please reach out. Interview sitters, a mother's helper. Join a single prent group. Find some support for yourself and your incredible child. (((BrokenDaisy)))


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 317 | Registered: Sep 2013
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, your son does have what's best for him... YOU

I know how hard this is. I'm a single mom of 5 kids. I had them 24/7 during the worst time of my life. My youngest was 2 at the time, and never wanted to let go of me. I was drowning in the responsibilites of being mom, and never being able to deal with the pain I was going through.

I finally caved. I found a friend who took my daughter for some time, every Wednesday, so I could get away. I never allowed myself to go home during that time. I went to the water. Or a movie. I learned to shoot. I went back to school. BUT I did not stress over my daughter. Yes, she cried terribly. And she eventually got over it. Some children will do that. But as another poster put it... your son needs to learn to be with other people too. If you trust them, then give this to yourself.

In a way, you will be helping your son too. And right now, you need things to be easier...

[This message edited by TrulySad at 4:59 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jun 2013
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((BrokenDaisy)))))

Your doing good, you'll get there. Your son will keep light in your life and all the hard work will start paying off sooner than you think.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((BrokenDaisy))))))))


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for only responding now! I did read everyone's responses when I posted this but haven't had a chance to get on my computer yet. (I hate typing responses on my phone because as you can see in my original post I make so many typos!)

You sound like an amazing mom and it is the toughest job imaginable. I know that you feel like a failure, but reading your post I can clearly see that you are NOT! We all feel that way at times, but it isn't the truth...it is just a feeling and feelings aren't facts.

Thank you for saying this. It is exactly what I needed to hear.

(The following is said very gently) That said, I worry that you have set yourself up for a big fall from exhaustion. You need a break from mommyhood, Sweetheart! How can you get one? Is there a way to ease your son into a care taking situation...a little bit at a time. I know he may hate it when you leave in someone you can trust's care, but he needs to have you leave him in someone you can trust's care. It is essential for his development to bond with other people. Could you speak with his pediatrician about his separation anxiety? Have your therapist find someone who can help with his ability to transition to another's care. Perhaps they could recommend a therapist for you and for him together so you can learn some behavioral techniques for lessening his (and your?) separation anxiety. And they can recommend a qualified day care or babysitter perhaps also. You NEED to find a way of getting yourself away from being MOMMY 24/7 for his sake! It isn't good for you to be an exhausted Mom...it isn't good for you to model lack of self care...it isn't good for him to have only you providing his with safety and security...you really need to find a way to use the village..

I know this and I've been working towards it since the move. I hired a domestic nanny to help out once a week. With housecleaning and to help with my son. The idea was that he'll have a chance to get used to her before I leave him alone with her and then I can use that one day to see my IC and do things for myself. Have an off day. The thing is it's taking time. It took him 15 months before he'd go to my mom so he is slow to warm to people. I have had him at a therapist and she said he was healthy and normal, just very introverted and cautious. He has anxiety and insecure due to his exposure to my stbx and the whole situation since his birth. She said the more secure he feels the more he'll start to separate from me. That I need to give him time because if I rush it he'll just feel more insecure. She assured me it will correct with time and that because of his age she can't really do much for him. I just need to keep his environment safe and predictable. My mom says that I was actually exactly the same at his age. She said I refused to go to anyone (including my dad) until I turned 2 and then I started slowly socializing. So maybe it's also a personality thing? He is already tons better than he was when we just moved. He really is flourishing and climbing out of his shell. The good news is: FINALLY This week he stayed with the nanny for an hour while I napped in the room next to them. He kept peaking into the room to see if I was still there but he didn't cry or try to come to me. So a huge step forwards. I have an IC here with whom my previous IC spoke before I moved. I just need to start seeing her. I am hoping to start within this month. I am so hopeful after the successful hour that we got this week! So less woe-is-me than I was when I originally posted. I was just so discouraged because the sitter wasn't working out and I just felt like I'd never be able to leave him with anyone else. kwim?

You also hit it on the head that I have anxiety of being separated from him. If I'm not with him I can't protect him. I already feel immense guilt that I exposed him to stbx alone (found out recently he has pedophile tendencies ) so I fully admit I have to work on my own fears too. It's really hard for me to trust anyone with him. He is my everything and I am petrified of losing him too. I know that is where my anxiety originates from. I am working on it though. It's not healthy for me but it's definitely not healthy for my son. Please don't think I am constantly a worry wart around him. I have been much more relaxed and happy since the move. I am good during the day. It's at nights that I get anxious. I will change that too though.

Thanks for being direct. It's things I tell myself but I need to hear it from others too so that I finally give myself permission to take the time. I will have to bite the bullet soon. I was thinking I'll drop him off at the park with the nanny (he loves the park) and it's close to the therapist offices and then maybe that will be enough fun that he doesn't get too worked up and I'm nearby if they need me. I think I just need to make an appointment and try.


I D'd when my kids were young. I felt terrible guilt for choosing the father I did, etc. All that guilt made me feel compelled to go it alone and I refused all help. It almost put me in the hospital. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.I didn't sleep becuase I was awake all night formulating a plan B and C and D. I lost my job because I couldn't focus on anything.

I know how hard this is. I'm a single mom of 5 kids. I had them 24/7 during the worst time of my life. My youngest was 2 at the time, and never wanted to let go of me. I was drowning in the responsibilites of being mom, and never being able to deal with the pain I was going through.

Thank you for sharing your stories! It helped a lot!

I finally caved. I found a friend who took my daughter for some time, every Wednesday, so I could get away. I never allowed myself to go home during that time. I went to the water. Or a movie. I learned to shoot. I went back to school. BUT I did not stress over my daughter. Yes, she cried terribly. And she eventually got over it. Some children will do that. But as another poster put it... your son needs to learn to be with other people too. If you trust them, then give this to yourself.

I'm going to do it. I think if I wait until he is ready (or I am) it will never come because I want everything too perfect. I think I just needed permission in a sense to be selfish or as I see it selfish? I struggle to put myself first.

Just getting this out last week made me take stock and work through it all. I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you everyone! I really need to make the time and post more!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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