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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does your WS ever ask you questions?
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naturally, a big part of recovering and R is for the BS to ask tons of questions (or as many questions they're comfortable with) about the A, and every book and expert encourages this. But what about the WS asking the BS questions? Questions about what they were going through, what happened in their life during the A? Maybe this isn't applicable in every situation, but WH cheated on me shortly after the birth of our second son, and he really checked out on us for those four months. He has asked a few questions about what I went through at that time, what I was thinking etc. but it always seems like when he asks he's just looking for a quick answer, while I really want to blabber on and on - like a floodgate that needs to open. It just kind of surprises me that I don't see anything mentioned (in my limited reading) about the WS asking the BS questions about what THEY were experiencing, and what happened while they were in fantasy land. Maybe it's just expected that BS's will simply pour it all out in their rage and sadness, but shouldn't WS's take the time to ask these questions? Isn't that part of the whole experience of an A, that a BS was basically abandoned to handle real life while the WS checked out? It seems like that would be an important part of letting go of resentment. Not only did he not care enough to be with me at that time, but even now, the focus is all about his big adventure.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heh, I've actually begged my WW to ask me questions. Yet she hasn't. It's like they would rather forget the whole affair, (Pun intended)and carry on with life.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he's never asked, but I've never been shy about telling him either. I was very ill health wise during his A years, and he emotionally and sometimes physically abandoned me. I raised our kids largely myself as he emotionally abandoned them as well. I've made SURE he knows this.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I think he is embarrassed about the affair, therefore, he wants to forget the whole thing happened.

Oddly, I can't see to let it go that easily...


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 444 | Registered: Jul 2013
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked very rarely, but that's because I think I usually expressed my thoughts/emotions during our conversations. It took quite a while in R, however, for him to really appreciate and have true empathy for my feelings.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2008
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH never brings it up....ever. He will talk about his A when I bring it up.

There really is no need for my WH to ask me questions since I made sure to let him know all of my feelings/thoughts, many times over, since dday.

Why wait until he asks? Just tell him. I think you are correct, you need to address what bothers you, all of it, so you can let go of the resentment.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've said a few things but he's never asked. He can barely talk about what he did unless I ask direct questions. Ugh, this sucks so bad.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW asked me what I was going through. Mostly so she could help me heal from this. After a while she was so overwhelmed with guilt it made her sick to her stomach. But its a good thing. I found myself always wanting more. Still do to a fault but hey this ain't easy!! I just want the big picture.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did not ask for a very long time.

But once I had all the "pieces" of the story I decided to write it all down, sort of novel style. It was very cleansing for me. I guess I needed to see the whole picture after having gotten fed one piece at a time. I also wrote my thoughts at different times throughout also. I wrote an entire spiral notebook in just two evenings. It seems once I opened the gates, it just came pouring out of me.

I let FWH have access to it. He actually asked if he could read it when he inquired about what I was doing. He then asked me a couple of questions. It was the bridge we needed for him to feel safe to ask I guess.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he doesn't ask, he has never asked anything.

I tell him tho, I have made it and continue to make it absolutely clear to him.

for some reason, I too can't seem to let it drop,


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
BW2639
♂ Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly don't recall her asking me anything...


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2012
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOPE, My WH has never asked me anything....and he still shudders if/when I ask him an affair question.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOPE, My WH has never asked me anything....and he still shudders if/when I ask him an affair question.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW almost never brings up the topic. Yes, I think she wants to let it drop and move forward, BUT I also think that she feels like any discussion can turn on her.

She has lied so much during this whole thing, that every discussion threatens to bring up the same old things, and she sees no reason to initiate that risk. So she just keeps quiet whenever she can.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of your responses validate what I have always thought about my WH at least, in that - it is all about THEM.

Why THEY did what they did?

What THEY are going to do to heal?

etc. etc. etc.

This is all so backwards to me.

Sorry to break into this conversation. I do NOT consider myself to be in R, but I come here often to just try to see what it COULD BE like if we did.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you don't mind a WS response.
I have tried to ask how he is doinghow he feels. At his request unless its something pressing for me he doesn't want to talk about it. So... I would like to talk more, my BH doesn't like too.
Now on the otherside of that my BH has the belief that I don't think about it or that I am affected by it. Which is totally the opposite. So. I would question whether they are rugsweeping it or if they think you don't want to or is it they are trying to not rock the boat. There are many reasons why they may not be asking questions. THe guilt and the pain of what I have inflicted is forever on my mind and try hard to help my BH as much as possible. Sometimes it seems like a loose loose situation. To talk or not to talk neither will be right or at the right time. Just my thoughts. Sorry to intrude if not wanted.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesn't ask one thing. Probably because the response is going to be one of pain for both of us. She did check out and was in the clouds alright.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1306 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's to ask? According to my W, I only existed during the A (and many years before that) to bring home a paycheck and be a father to our children. She admits she gave up on "us" a while ago, and resigned herself to a partnership only.

I'm paraphrasing many, many discussions here, but you get the point. There really is nothing she doesn't know, because there were no secrets, on my part, during her A.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naivewife, thank you for asking this question. I read your post yesterday and your thoughts stayed with me for the remainder of the day. The bulk of our discussions about the A, revolve around him and the OW. Rarely does fWH ever ask me about how I felt during that time or what was going on with me. Last night, after fWH and I put the kids to bed, I asked him why he did not have any questions for me. At first he replied that he does ask me question about my day and activities, which to me, is something entirely different. To make a long story short, eventually fWH admitted that asking me about how I was feeling then (and now) forces him to face up to the hurt and damage he caused to me, our relationship and our family. He finds it incredibly painful and humiliating to relive that time, and he thought that if he asked me questions, it would only bring up more pain and hurt which may lead into a disagreement. I expressed that by showing empathy and concern for what I went through and am going through, we can recover more fully. fWH said that he does feel this way but felt that if he brought it up, he would upset me further. Expressions that convey remorse, recognize and acknowledge my struggle such as "I know today must be a hard day. I'm sorry I did this to us", or "I know it is hard to be here, it would bother me too. What can I do to help you through this", mean so much more to me. He agreed that despite his reluctance to bring up his A, he would work on these types of statements.

So once again, thank you for your thoughts. It has helped me take another step forward towards rebuilding my M.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 11:12 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 19

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