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Newest Member: Mysurvival (43128)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It doesn't define me anymore
ShellShockedSid
♀ Member
Member # 29068
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am writing an attempt to give a glimmer of hope to those of you close to dday.

Yesterday, I had a revelation. My husband's affair does not define me. I don't think of myself as a BW anymore, and I don't think of him as FWH anymore. I am just a wife and he is just a husband.

I honestly never thought I'd feel this way. I never thought I could think of the past with out OW's memory tainting every little thing that happened in the years of his LTA. But that is his past, not mine.

Since Dday, I've come along way, and accomplished a lot. Thru the things I learned on this site, with the support of one dear friend who knows what happened, and thru dogged determination, I am a better person than I was before that awful day. Since then, I have earned respect at work thru working hard on difficult projects, I've gotten 3 significant pay increases in a very difficult economic climate in our industry. I joined the board of a brand new nonprofit organization, worked hard to get it off the ground, and I'm currently board president. I have renewed relationships with distant family members. AND - I have learned how to forgive--- something I never did before. My mother has been dead for over 20 years, but I hadn't forgiven her for my perceived injustices. I have forgiven her, and I have forgiven my husband.

I have come a very long way in the past 3 1/2 years. His affair does not not define me. I define me. And it is a huge relief!


BW: 46, me
FWH: 48
DDay: 1/22/2010
Reconciling.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

Posts: 301 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an awesome update!

Thanks for sharing this message of hope.


"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." - Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 4448 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an encouragement this is to read! I am only a few months out from dday, so things are still fresh. Sometimes I can see glimpses of what the future could be like. I am hopeful, and stories like yours surely help. You should be so proud of yourself!


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 62 | Registered: Sep 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful post. It is almost at the two month mark for me...I have a long way to go but this was encouraging for sure!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
torn2pieces
♀ New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..good for you to find yourself again!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
lucy17
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for posting! I'm glad all of your hard work paid off in so many ways.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 16 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 119 | Registered: Aug 2013
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sid,

Me too. What does define me as result is my strength as a 'survivor' - character-affirming and building it has been.

We've been through tricky times in recent months - husband has been a tower of strength and support. We are both better people.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSS...you definately have a glass half full view of things...way to go!

I am 4 years out and I don't think I am quite where you are yet, but so many things in my life were negatively affected by the A...career and family, etc... I am surprised and greatful that things are now on the upswing in my life.
My latest revelation came last week as I hiked on a trail...I forgave myself for what I percieved to be my part in the downfall of my world...just hit me out of the blue...and I stopped to think about how things could be worse.Thanks for the words of hope!


Posts: 506 | Registered: Nov 2010
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awesome! Very happy for you.
Thank you for giving me hope

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an inspiring post, SSS. Thanks for sharing, it's the perfect way to start my day today.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 7 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fantastic! You sound like you are doing great.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
ShellShockedSid
♀ Member
Member # 29068
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I know that every day isn't going to be great, but I know that I don't feel like my screen name--shell shocked anymore. I feel like just plain ole Sid. And I like Sid.

Like you said, Crossroads, we are survivors. We have been to hell, and came back.

One other side effect of all this-- I am afraid of almost nothing. I used to be pretty phobic-- hated heights, spiders made me scream, glass elevators were nearly impossible, public speaking was downright terrifying, etc. Now, none of those things bother me anymore. Not much left to be scared of when I've been thru the worst. Ok-- I'm still not a big fan of bugs, but the others, I'm good with. :)

So, newbies...hang on. It will be an awful bumpy ride, but the sun will come out again.


BW: 46, me
FWH: 48
DDay: 1/22/2010
Reconciling.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

Posts: 301 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 12

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