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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the truth - at last
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH has told the truth.

He has admitted that he had had sex with fOW.

I finally got to the point where I was about to walk out the door, taking DS with me. I was quiet, calm, resigned to the fate of D - completely drained of energy with which to question and cajole.

At last, after two and a half years of my questioning,& relentless tripping him up on his lies, (I have a v.good memory)- (he doesn't) OR, and this is far more likely, he had lied so much, so many times and for so long that he'd forgotten what he said/when he said it.

He was tied up in knots tbh, he didn't and couldn't find a way to turn anymore.

My questioning has been relentless, sometimes i'd not mention it for a little while, but I always returned to the same question(S), and especially this one.

Whilst making lunch on Saturday I asked;

'how many times did you do it with her?'

he said, 'I can't remember exactly' -

so I said 'approximately then'.

His response - 'about 10'.

I didn't argue or question him further, I know that the A started during Feb'11 and ended during May '11, so about 10 times seems feasible.

It all seems a bit of an anti-climax in a way tbh, 'cause I KNEW that they had been at it, but it was so important for me (and him) that HE told me himself.

I'm feeling better, and fWH seems like he's had a tonne lifted from his shoulders already.

ETA
just a pity it took him so long

[This message edited by englishrose at 7:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you finally got the truth. Sorry it took him so long. But at least you can move forward knowing your gut never lies lol.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Englishrose, gently, are you sure you want to recover with someone you have to trick to get the truth out of? What an incredible burden...,

Hugs to you! I am glad you have it!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rc

I don't know, I've asked myself the same question over and over.
this was one of the things I told him the other day; that I didn't want to be with or share my life with someone who lies to me...so much, so many times,...and for so long.

he said that he was scared to tell me, because he thought/knew that it (me knowing what he'd been up to) would hurt me more.

Strangely tho, when it came to it, it was so casual. We were both in the kitchen, starting to prepare lunch. No tears, no shouting,- we both were calm and quiet,it was straightforward. There wasn't and hasn't been a finale of any sort.

IGIMA

indeed, my gut has guided me all along, I had a few hard facts, not many tho, it's been almost 100% down to what my gut was telling me, and it's been right -on the dot in fact,each.and.every.step.of.the.way.




me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imo he knew that he would come to the end of his lying. he has known this for awhile.

Things had changed. I've changed. you know when you're spent, when you've given your all to someone or something. I had reached that point, and he knew that I had.

Thus, he knew that I wasn't going to waste any more of my life waiting for him to do the right thing.

I had begun to gather mine and DS's stuff to take with us on Saturday. I had reached that point where I knew I would eventually reach had he continued to deny the truth. It had been a long time coming, but I recognised it the moment it arrived.

I just told him calmly and quietly that I couldn't do this any more, that I'd tried so v.hard for us, for DS for 2.5 years and that now, enough is enough.


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Englishrose, I know you must be relieved to finally have the truth. I know I was when I finally got it, after two years of false R. Something you said hit home with me, that your H didn't want to tell you the truth because it would hurt you more. I hope you aren't believing this. He was hurting you all along while he was lying to you, keeping the truth you so desperately wanted. My H said the same thing to me. I believed it for about one day, until my senses kicked in and I realized that the only person he was protecting by lying was himself. HE didn't want to face himself, and the ugly truth of what he did and was doing to me. Your H needs to be honest with himself, and you need to continue to look out for yourself and your little one. Take care.((er))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 917 | Registered: Aug 2011
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boontje

yes, I understand that. He was and is protecting himself from seeing and knowing what he is/what he's done - he doesn't like what he sees, so if he denies it/lies long and hard enough, then he can 'believe' that he's an okay guy.

Also, he doesn't like having to address the consequences of his actions. it's as if, in some strange way, he feels that he's entitled; he's allowed to behave like a complete twonk and no-one's allowed to complain or hold him to account. If someone (me in particular) says, hey hold on a minute...i'm not putting up with xyz...lies...crappy, hurtful behaviour, etc etc. His response is that i'm getting at him, or wanting trouble and wanting to cause upset. wtf's he on???

I've wised up a lot and am much stronger than I've been during the past couple of years. I've started to look to the future, for me and my youngest DS mainly. My two eldest boys are grown and have left home.

My ducks are beginning to line up nicely.


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you finally got the truth. I too finally got the whole truth after 11 months. When I asked why he didn't tell me on DD he said he didn't want to hurt me more. I called BS on the spot. Told him it wasn't me he was protecting it was him. It was anti climatic for me as well. I knew the truth I just wanted to hear him say it. It was nothing horrible just details he said he "forgot"


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They think they are protecting us, but they are protecting themselves. You see all this. You sound like you are grounded, and know what you need. Now that you know what happened, you know what you need to accept, and can figure out how to move forward.

Keep watching out for yourself and your little one. Watch your husband's actions, and see if they line up with the life you want.

T/J
Your final question that elicited the truth was perfect. I have training as a qualitative researcher and interviewer, and that is the kind of question that I use to elicit the truth on stigmatized behaviors. All you folks out there facing TT, try lots of casual, matter of fact variations- when was the last time you did x, how many times did you do x, when you did x at her house did you use a condom, etc. even when they haven't admitted to x because sometimes the specificity and calmness of the question can catch even a professional TTer off guard.

End T/J

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:51 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Dec 2011
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strangely tho, when it came to it, it was so casual.

Just want to add to OnAnIsland, most FWS tests the waters to see our reaction on the truth when they tell it to you. You'll notice how they watch you intently when they say the truth and if you are casual and not shout, etc. It makes it and open environment for them to tell all. My own FWH TT in the beginning and he knows that I know that he's not telling all. He said later on he was feeling his way so he said the truth in series. He also said this is how he also accepts what he's done and if he tells me it makes it so real to him and he couldn't believe what he did it's hard to admit. Again this is from a FWH intent on working on M not someone who's still in the fog.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 10

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