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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does anyone ever feel like this?
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost four years since d-day and our marraige is amazing. Much deeper and more loving than it was pre-affair.
Now comes the but,
Once and awhile I wonder what if everything he told me is bullshit? And I don't mean part of the story but all of it. It's almost like for a little while I enter the twilight zone and I can't believe that the pain has almost subsided. For that reason I believe that I question the whole story because I have to have more pain. I guess I am still waiting for the other show to drop since it seems impossible you can ever be this happy after you have lived through an affair.
Anyone relate or have these same feelings?


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I do, I think about the other shoe dropping all the time. What if there was more, lots more? Is the progress we have made "real" or just my imagination?
I think it's amazing you can say your relationship is stronger, good for you! Do the feelings of doubt pass quickly? Are they random, not because of any new evidence? If so, maybe it's not cause for worry.
I hope you will be able to relax and enjoy what you have, it sounds real!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the rabbit hole i go down. What if there is more? What if she is still in the picture? What if he is grooming a new AP? What if the SA of his brother is really also going on with him? What if there are some huge FOO incidents or patterns that he will not access? What if he is just saying and doing what he thinks I want to keep me from leaving with the boys? You get the picture.

I think that is totally normal, and natural. Of course you are much further on this road than I am. But I wonder if I will ever stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I say think about it, compare it with your current reality ( be mindful, remind yourself of how you feel now, what your marriage is like now, how your H behaves now). And let that fear and doubt move through banished by your current reality. Thinking of you. Hope you can enjoy what you have worked hard for.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am coming up on 4 year dday antiversary too and I understand that surreal feeling...it happened, but f I had to prove it happened, it would be hard...other than the year and a half I spent in counseling, and one person (who I don't talk about it to now)no one else knows...not my kids/family...no one.
We are so "back to normal" no one would believe me if I told them the whole crazy story. Coming up on dday time, it is on my mind more lately...it hurts and I still get angry, but I get past it pretty quickly.

I am not sure that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling ever goes away...that is probably the biggest obstacle now...it keeps me from thinking much about a future that still seems uncertain to me. Maybe living in the moment is better for us though.

An amazing marriage helps...mine is not here yet...better, but not amazing.

What do you plan to different ...if anything...to get through dday antiversary? I have decided this year is NOT going to make me crazy, but i am not sure what to do differently.


Posts: 573 | Registered: Nov 2010
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can still hear the echo of the first shoe smacking the ground, so I am in not much of a position to comment. But I can see even now that when I have a moment of peace or happiness, it is usually followed by vigilance.

Looking forward to those moments of relative peace turning into hours, days, and might I hope --weeks?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling ever goes away.

I think this is a trust issue. Maybe now you are believing that WS is not lying to you day to day, but will you ever 100% trust that he will not stab you in the heart again.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a good piece in October's O magazine this month written by shame/vulnerability researcher, Brene Brown about this very thing - living in fear/waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe I will do a t/j on it. So stay tuned.

But do I get what you are saying? Of course I do.

Congrats being at 4 years. You have worked hard.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why I feel the same way is because of the months of TT. I'm shell shocked and afraid of another gut-wrenching discovery.
I hope to one day be over this but I'm afraid to totally relax.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same and I have told fwh if something else comes up that he has not confessed to the "I didn't remember because it was so long ago"
Will not work for me and I will immediately file for D
This will be the deal breaker for me. He said I know about everything so for his sake I hole he is telling the truth.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Approaching four years since Dday and I wouldn't say our marriage is amazing, but it's pretty good considering the tsunami we've been through. And I am happy with my life.

I'm also sure I don't have the whole story about H's infidelities over the past forty years....H owned up to a one night stand in addition to the LTA, but I know, in my heart, he is still not completely truthful. But I've come to a place where I feel that is his problem. He has to live with it, not me.

I felt I needed to be safe before I could really feel joy again....and for awhile after Dday I thought I needed H to make me feel that way. I found I didn't. I'm strong and confident now I can survive and would do very well in a life without H if he chose this path again.

His affair reminded me to look at myself and to look out for myself, something I had not done while working and raising a family focusing on everyone else's needs.

I don't know what the future holds, but we are enjoying life and looking forward to retirement doing things we like to do together. Every day I feel happy and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how lucky I am...how good life is for me.

And if somewhere a shoe drops, then life will change again. It may take some time for me to right the horse, but lots of shoes have dropped throughout my sixty years. That just seems to be life.......and I am focusing on the good times while I'm living them.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1636 | Registered: Mar 2010
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had 12 months of TT and got to the point where IF he doesn't answer ALL my questions openly and honestly, then if anything pops up that he lied about, I'm walking.

I worked with his slut's BH for a year. Together, we got the truth, the dates, what they were thinking, what they did while they were together. I HAD to hear ALL of it. There are still questions popping into my mind at a rate now of 10 or so per day. I'm only 25 days out from 2nd D-day and I've asked him, anything else I need to know about THIS A or anything else you've done no matter how mundane or insignificant you think it was?

Omission is a lie and since I have decided to try to save our marriage, I want to get all of this out of the way, so 4 years down the road I wonder if it's all B.S. But you NEVER know for sure. When I look into his eyes, I see his pain and his love for me. He's truly remorseful and is scared out of his mind to lose me. I would be lost without him. I could have stopped the A, but was so done with his games, I just let it go. No it's not my fault, but denial is a sad place to land.

So yes Deanna, I think we ALL feel that way no matter what you do. You can ALWAYS have him do a lie detector test!


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer PinkJeepLady nothing he has done or said of late makes me feel he isn't telling the truth. He was one of those rare WS that spilled the beans on D-day. He has not deviated from his original story which I do believe. We had a wonderful MC that we saw two days after D-day. His specialty was infidelity and he stressed from the beginning how important to the BS telling the truth is.
I know my feelings a irrational but I just can't believe we can be this happy and be done with the affair!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 12

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