I'm sorry too, Erzulie and lived this kind of thinking for quite some time. When I started to talk about the A to some trusted relatives, who knew X from the very first day, each was quick to counter and decline the truth about his words.
There is evidence in pictures, in memories and in words that doesn't gel with what he said along the lines of the rewritten marriage...including the "reason" he got married to begin with.
I will not allow myself to believe that the last 20 years were wrong or a lie and maybe that's my own denial or coping skill or whatever, but I feel that to do that is to let him win at something and I refuse. Flat out refuse to let him or Fatty B "win" in their game against me.
This competitive streak that I didn't know I had helped lift me out of the depression that I sense you have some of, for if "they" won, they would take my children away for real and other things I hold dear...my house...and so on.
If they allowed blame to become theirs, our X's couldn't live with themselves and what they did-I don't know yours, but this is said about the one I have. That in order to face himself each and every day he blames me -I haven't been in his life in almost two years and he's still blaming me!-or his lawyer, or the milkman, the bus driver-it matters not who, so long as not him and right now Fatty B (OW) who remains in favor for whatever reason.
And in order to have one in favor, it seems one has to be out. Completely, utterly, out.
But...it doesn't have to ruin us! It doesn't have to win!
We know in our hearts and minds by being on SI or counseling or whatever that something doesn't ring true about the words we're hearing and I say, kudos to us for getting that far.
I wish you peace on this new journey...the high road is lonely but when you look back, it's a clearer vision.Ashland 13
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.