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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he still doesn't bring up A
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are coming up on one year since dday and WBF still does not bring up his A.

He seems to have really realized what he was giving up and has been a completely different person. He treats me and my son so much differently now, he does things around the house, his friends are not his top priority anymore, he just seems more HERE. Any time I bring up his A, he is willing to talk and answer any questions I have. The problem is, he never brings it up. I get sick of being the one to have to try to figure this shit out.

About a month or two ago he said something about the A probably not being what I probably imagine. I told him "you know what I imagine, you've read it" (in my journal-he's read everything, knows what I imagine things to be like). I said go back through and read it and tell me what I'm wrong about, tell me what it was. He never has.

About three weeks ago I wrote out about 40 questions for him, he's looked at it twice (at my urging) and answered about 8 or 9 of them. I have told him several times that this shit eats at me every day and that I don't understand why he wouldn't address these things so I can stop wondering and just know what exactly I have to deal with.

I have told him that when I mention something (a trigger), I want him to tell me if he remembers the time I'm talking about, what he remembers, what actually happened, how he felt about it then, and how he feels about it now. That doesn't happen. To his credit, he does say that he's sorry for putting me through this and that he'll never do anything like that again, that I have nothing to worry about and that he'll always be here for me.

Monday I told him that I want him to tell me what happened on a particular night and his answer was "I thought you knew where I was", meaning that I know he was at APs house. While I now know that's where he ended up, there's a lot of it that I have no clue about. I told him what I assume and what I have no idea about. I expected him to later talk to me about it and tell me what happened. He didn't. Last night I asked if he had anything to talk about and at first he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, then he just said "I guess not". This morning he says "sorry I didn't feel like talking last night".

I told him that by saying that he thought I knew where he was that night and thinking that's all I need to know just shows that he has no clue what I need from him, after a f*n year. I told him that's why I keep bugging him to come to SI and read and figure out what it is that I need from him.

I'm 6 months pregnant and I'm tired. I feel like I've been carrying the weight of R on my shoulders and I'm exhausted. He gets upset when I say things like this because of all the changes that he has made, but while I do appreciate and love the changes in him, those are all pre-A issues, while the huge issue of the A isn't going away.

I have had him read Joseph's Letter in the healing library, I thought that said it pretty well-better than I could have but he still doesn't do it.

So how do I get him to understand that I need him to be proactive and figure this shit out? I feel like he's the one who fucked everything up, now he should be the one trying to figure out how to make it better. Am I wrong?

I am in IC, so I am trying to work on my healing on my own too, I just wish he would take more initiative and find out what he can do to ease the pain and help me out.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he just texted me from work and said sorry that he didnt have anything to say last night and that for some reason it's hard for him to just start talking, especially since he's tired. I texted him back that it's hard for me too, but it's even harder to hear. I wanted to say-well you made the shit sandwich, now eat it!

I would bet that if I don't say anything, he still won't bring it up though.

I think I have been VERY patient, but I don't know how much longer I can be. Last night while I was laying in bed, unable to sleep, thinking about that night that I mentioned earlier, I just wanted to punch him in his snoring face!! I haven't felt too much anger, but maybe its starting to come.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 4 mos from dday but feel exactly how you do so I can imagine how hard this is for you at a year! You have shown extreme patience.
My H is trying so hard to be a better husband/father and is doing very well. Unfortunately that's not all I need from him. I want to know he is working on his issues and if he doesn't tell me/talk about it at all there is no way for me to know he is. H also says he has no idea what to talk about, or what I want to know. I will ask him questions and his answers are very basic, I don't feel like he tries to expand or think about it at all. I do know that sometimes he feels like his answers aren't good enough. I do have to work on my reactions. Even if I don't like an answer I need to appreciate that I'm getting it.
We talked last night and this morning about it and he tells me he will try, that he knows how important it us and will make the time. I hope he does because I feel myself shutting down. I'm just so tired :(


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 831 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel. In order to deal with A issues, I feel like I have to constantly bring it up, ask questions, ask him to talk, tell him what I need, etc. It puts me in this state of constant worry and anxiety, and wears me down. This weekend I tried to just let go of it, and wBF loved it I think. He seemed much happier. I'm fairly sure that if I stopped bringing it up, he would just completely drop it. But me not talking about it does not mean that I'm over it. The questions are still turning in my head, and I'm still doubting him. I need him to initiate more and do more without me prodding him. He will say things like I'm sorry when he can tell I'm upset, but that doesn't help me. I need him to initiate talking about it, reading, counseling, etc. But I think that unless I'm there telling him every step of what I need, it just won't happen.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1047 | Registered: Jul 2013
Hopefulinva
♀ New Member
Member # 40348
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the intiall freakout and yelling spewing hurtful things on my part to my husband I thought about what I wanted.

The next day I calmly told him, we need to talk, you WILL answer any and every question I have honestly and fully, you WILL not fight me on this, you DON'T get to decide what I can and can not handle, you DON'T get to decide when enough is enough info. If I wanna know what color panties she was wearing you will tell me. If you don't do as I ask then I will accept that as a confirmation that you choose yourself and not your family and you can pack your bags.

In order for me to process this crap I need to know everything. If you want me to heal you will answer it all. I don't give a flying flip how it makes you feel like crap.

I meant it too and Hubby spilled it all. He does take a bit a probing, and is not one to just bring it up, I usually do that.

Standing my ground was what worked for us.


BW: me 33
FWH: him 34
Married 15 years
2 DD 14, 10
ONS stranger from the bar 7/26/13
Dday 7/29/13
Fully committed and immersed In recovering what we lost along the way.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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