This man is my life
Any relationship male or female that makes you uncomfortable or is not good for your marriage is a no no. When my EXH first decided to try to R, he had to cut ties with a male friend that enabled him during cheating.
If my ExH ever and I mean ever did that to my DS it would be the end. Not only is it illegal but it is unthinkable. In the first place he should have been one of those guys that could not make it, due to the fact he was alone with his 10 year old son, secondly if he found out the other two could not make it, he should have made apologies and suggsted meeting another time that worked for everyone, as his caring for his son.
The fact that none of that came into play says Affair. Then after calling him he still did not come home right away and then proceeded to blame your son and you...nice.
He needs a wake up call. His actions are not okay and will not be tollerated. If he wasn't having an A I bet he would have no problem with this.
Time to start to proect you and your son. Keyloggers, Var's..etc.
IF your gut is screaming at you there is a reason. I have always believed this, even when my H was in the throws of his A. I would try to deny it, but then I would always come back around.
From someone who has been there done that, there are a few things that I would strongly recommend. Things I did do, that helped me, things I should have done, or done sooner, to get my proof.
1. Quit asking him about it, quit bringing it up as much as possible. Get a keylogger on your "shared" computer ASAP. I would also do a in depth search for a second cell phone, we often refer to it as a burner phone here. It's an easy way for them to communicate without getting caught.
2. Spyware on his phone if you can. If he has a home office, I would put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in there.
3. See an Attorney ASAP. Find out what your rights are, what your situtation would look like if you would have to make the hard choices. The fear of the unknown tends to paralyze us, so find out as much as you can.
4. Go to your Dr, get STD tested, and talk to them about something for anxiety/depression if this whole thing is overwhelming, and we all know it is.
5. Be kind to yourself, and your kids. Put them and you first. He certainly isn't.
6. Think about what you really would want, and how things can play out. When you get your proof, and you confront, be ready for him to do everything, say anything, and make you feel crazy, all of that comes before they actually confess. If he confesses what will you want, figure out if you want to try to save your M, and if so how would that happen, what would you need from him for that to happen. Have a clear set outline of your needs for R if that's the path you want. Also know that even if he comes clean and wants to R that he will stumble, fall, break NC.
We all talk about the cheaters handbook, there isn't really a handbook per se, but there are certain things they ALL do and say during, and after the A. He is certainly doing his best to make you feel like the crazy one right now. Know that you aren't. Something is up. Keep reading here, the healing library has a ton of info, read up. It's over there on the left side of your screen. keep posting, keep telling yourself that you are worth more.
This fucking guy left your 10 yr old son home alone until 12:30am. He could not be reached for 3 hours prior to that. 3 hours! YOU were out-of-state. Then he came home and drunkenly called the poor kid a *wimp* <-- Yea, way to go, father of the year.
O!M!G! He basically ABANDONED your child. And even AFTER you got his drunk ass on the phone and told him to go the hell home to your son -- he STAYED for an additional 30 minutes!
What the FUCK is wrong with that guy?????
There are 10 yr olds that are mature enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours in the DAYtime if the parent will be nearby and reachable by phone (IMO)......but nighttime is the SCARY time. It's when you hear all of the creaks and noises in the closet. NOT a time to leave a kid alone -- with an UNREACHABLE parent!! (again, IMO) Fucking irresponsible moron.....
*grumble* sorry for all the *boldy* words and the F-bombs -- but what your husband did to your son makes me LIVID.......AND it tells you all that you need to know about what type of person he is right now. A self-centered, irresponsible jackass.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Anyone who would leave his son home and go to a freaking bar is not a "man."
I also have a deal that requires a lot of my attention at work, so that's one good thing. There are minutes (we're talking 1 or 2 at a stretch, tops) that I'm actually distracted, which has been a blessing. I've also tried to retrain my focus on my children, who are so loving and positive...
I'm dreading what this is going to do to them, but they are so strong and smart that I really believe they will be a source of strength for me going forward, helping me to recalibrate my responses like they did last night. When I got home from work I was so upset (it had all caught up to me), I didn’t know how I was going to turn the key in the lock and open the door, but the way they bounded up and covered me in kisses, I just knew I had to keep my dignity and sanity. For them. They deserve my best.
Reading over your comments (many times over) I understand that my instincts about this relationship are right. And I accept that I am living in a new reality. And while I am checking our shared computer (there are only 6 work-related messages between WS and OW in all, ending last April or June-- and I know they worked closely together for a few years so this has been carefully parsed) and his phone (there are NO messages there), I think I already have my answer. He has betrayed me. This relationship, whatever it is, is very inappropriate. There is no need for me to get more evidence (NY is a no fault state). I have it. Anything more would be salt in my wounds.
So, the plan for now is to 180 the hell out of everything related to this marriage (*thank you for the suggestion, I’m memorizing all of it), and to schedule an appointment with a therapist and a lawyer. If anyone knows a good one of these in NYC, please message me.
If I sound calm, it’s because I’m feeling okay right now (in another 30 minutes, who knows?). I realize I’ve cried a lot already. I’ve tried to get him to love me. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to make this life we share positive and productive. And I’ve been asking myself this question for a LONG while – should we stay or should we cut our losses? – well, I have the answer. Heartwrenching as it feels, as much as I don’t want it to be, I also know it is the right answer.
I wanted to say I think you sound like a very strong woman...and an awesome mother.
Please continue to post for support and advice.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I feel bad that you're so wrapped up in his affair behavior that you're completely glossing over the horrific thing he did your child.
His gross neglect of an innocent little boy and leaving him vulnerable until the wee hours of the morning - all in the name of getting a cheap thrill the second his wife left town - is completely and utterly unforgiveable. What a disgusting, selfish son of a bitch.
I think this may have been a continuous email that started from BEFORE the date. Then they emailed back and forth after that with the same email. And it was the email that set up the date. That's why he deleted.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Please, be very, very careful from now on how you interact with WH. Some of your writing sounds like mine used to.
When X was in the throws of the A and I was finding out/before, the lies and spinning webs he told actually did work-they did mess with my thinking for a time, so that I got all twisted in circles during his double life and before he was officially outed. It's manipulation at it's very worst and no regard for another person, make no mistake, please, about that.
All I can say is, watch your back with this man...for when I tried to talk to X about M or the A, he got very, very nasty and then tried to use it against me or trip me up, even at one point, accusing me of some of the same. He was had and that was all there is.
Please be careful for you and your child's sake...it sounds so similar to us in some ways. It was a long time and the hard way for me to realize this man who I thought was different, was basically now an enemy.
If you can knock him off his pedestal and begin to acknowledge his faults, it's one of the starts of what helped me fall out of feelings. I defended X for a long time but now am angry at people for not telling me truths they knew.
The lack of affection was a huge clue or red flag-when X stopped holding my hand or having a hug, something was really, really off...it was OW.
ETA...that trying to win him back will not work-it's amazing the things that won't work-and once you get settled on this in your mind, which may take some time, it will be better for you and your energy can go back to yourself and child. This was advice given to me that in early stages, didn't make sense but does now.
I have been totally shocked at the things X has "given up" or made difficult that were not. But it's his choice now and he changed all of our lives forever-I hope that you will be able to sort through your emotions and find even a small bit of peace soon. FWIW, I used sense of smell and time with our daughter when I was really down.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:16 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
That said, I've focused less on WS’s parenting (on this thread anyway) because after that first night, when he left ds alone, I BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. That night was primarily about ds, parenting and dh’s drinking, which had become a problem. Dh apologized over and over, I believe he meant it, and he stopped drinking from that point on. I have swept a lot of his behavior under the rug because I thought the core problem was the alcohol… But he’s a big, hot mess in many, many ways it seems….
SadToo—I don’t think the “Drinks Soon Hopefully” email was from earlier (from that first event at the pub, over the summer). This email seemed new and initially I thought that he had probably deleted it because there was something in it about me. Because after that night at the pub, he had told her “you got me in trouble…” and ostensibly this conversation was about his marriage and me and what had gone down in our house after their carefree night together. Honestly, if I had read OW’s email and she had said anything about me or about our marriage, I would have been livid. But I bet they HAVE discussed all this (now that I’m writing this all out) which makes me feel really sad and pathetic.
BUT. That was not the only email he deleted. He deleted and trashed all her emails (except 6 work related emails) somewhere along the way. And then he deleted her texts somewhere along the way, so I think we can safely say, there’s a wealth of material that was erased – and who knows from how far back??? I mean, dh has a lot of time on his hands these days to spend quality time editing his various texts, email, history, etc..
She's got a good job, she managed to catch my man. How could I compete with that, even if I wanted to?
Uh uh, nope. Not for one minute.
She didn't manage to catch your man. Your man allowed himself to be available.
As hard as it is, and we have all done this, she is irrelevant. Do not give her your energy or power.
She is not one ounce of what you are. Regardless of looks, job, age, weight etc.
Who cares what you look like on the outside if you have no soul and your moral code is zero?
You will not compete with that because you don't have to.
You are a strong, intelligent woman, wife and mother who chose to keep her vows. YOU WIN.
If WH can't see that then let him have her and her him. She will grow tired and move on to the next conquest/victim.
180 his ass. He needs to wake up to everything he is about to lose.
REPEAT AFTER ME...
I am strong. I am more than good enough. I am a great mother. My family is more important than their lies. I will be okay. I will make it through one way or another.
Now say it again.
Keep moving. Keep praying and stand tall.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]