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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2 weeks
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a lot different in that things really hadn't been going on for long before I found out. The biggest problem in our 16 year marriage (20 years with each other) to this date is that I am chronically ill with MS, fibromyalgia, migraines, back pain etc...I got the works. That limits my mobility a lot and has been a big sticking point in our marriage. We finally came to what I thought was a mostly resolved state on that - WH stopped being so unhealthy with alcohol, spent more time with me and the kids and we were all a lot happier.

It was my WH who first told me about the EA; up until that point he had reassured me that it was a friendship and had lied about how frequently they were seeing and talking to each other. They've only known each other six weeks at this point - it did start with friendship but moved beyond into 'liking each other' about a month ago...2 weeks after they met. They were at the 'feelings' stage by the time he really started to cover stuff up. When the OW started talking to him more and more about wanting to be able to hold his hand, have him pick her up when she is drunk at the bar, etc etc. WH told her that he had to back off. He spent over an hour talking to her and at that point I was basically 'what the HELL is going on' and he told me.

So it was an AE and though a short one, I find it's still eating me up. He confessed to certain things right off the bat - like that she'd asked if I would be open to a sister wife, etc. When I asked 'is this just an infatuation' and he passed that on to her she said that no, it was real. Which naturally it can't be, given that they'd only known each other for a handful of weeks at that point - that ain't love. He's come out with other stuff as I've asked directly about it.

At first I was trying to be ok with them still 'being friends' overly hopeful that I could deal. I mistook shock and the numbness it brought for 'dealing with it' for the first few days. Then when it started gnawing at my backbone I realized that wouldn't work, even if he was being honest with me about everything. We've had a bunch of long talks since he first came out. She's made some pretty serious bids for his attention and has failed. She's now backed off some, but I doubt she's done yet - at the first hint of wavering, she'll be on him again. At that point, if it ever happened, we'd split.

At this time I'm still trying to get over the massive feelings of betrayal and pain that come along with this. He has tried to minimize it several times but when I call him on it, he stops. He's terrified that his family or coworkers will find out. He likes being 'the good guy' which is why he fell into this so easily - the OW is separated, but still living (for 3 years?!?) with an abusive ex...though they're not divorced either. This is the second time she's been the OW - the first was to another WH for a full year. He got to be the hero and he likes that feeling.


So...it's not hard to see that this OW is a pretty good manipulator. She was definitely the seductress. My WH was to blame just as much, but in different ways, and it was he that betrayed our relationship, not her. It was he that sat down at the table when she invited him. I recognize, and have for years, that he is very emotionally fragile behind a 'tough guy' exterior. He has had opportunity to heal from this pain - a product of his childhood - but he's refused to. He is still making some poor choices like staying out to 3:30 am at a party this past weekend that she was at(which helped me realize that I needed to be more honest to myself about my own boundaries and set them to no contact.

So as it stands now, he's to have no contact with her apart from their ball games (where they met, but not where she's openly flirtatious to him). No other contact. He still doesn't want to be the bad guy...so much so that he won't tell her to back off (though he's told her that he'll do anything to please me and that I come first...he did that in front of me).

All the texts are gone. He did an update on his iphone, so I can't even look at them.

I'm left mad and sad. I've done all my homework to know how to proceed with divorce should I need to. He knows that if anything goes sideways on this issue from here on, his stuff will be packed on the lawn waiting for him when he gets home. I don't like being so consumed by it, but I recognize that it's part of the nature of the beast and it will take time and work on his part to get me to a more level area where we can start building the trust again. I have no doubt that he feels very badly over this issue...I just don't know if he'll actually do the work and healing he needs to do so that he's not in this situation again. He does realize NOW that he was played (he didn't until I gave him a good article on it to read) he thought that he was just helping her. The constant 'needs' that she had to be 'rescued' amounted to probably at least five instances within that time. That's a lot for two weeks. He feels stupid for falling for it. Unless he does that healing, he's not going to be able to really address what made this situation so appealing to him. That's his work, not mine, and I'll have to just stick it through for a bit to see if he'll finally do it.

I do recognize that the OW has had quite enough of my time already and that I shouldn't owe her a fig more of it. After all, hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. If I go in there all guns blazing with her, it'll just feed her inner victim and she'll carry on as usual. If I end up in a situation where I do see her, which is pretty likely, I don't plan to rage, plead or do any other thing that a part of me really wishes I could. I plan to be remote - she's simply not worth the time I'd give to wiping muck off my shoe. It doesn't hurt that I nearly top out at 6 feet where she's closer to 5. Sick or not, I could squish her like a bug. LOL


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't really offer you any advice but I want you to know that you've been heard. One thing in your post did jump out at me.

All the texts are gone. He did an update on his iphone, so I can't even look at them.

If this is what he's claiming, he is gaslighting you. He is flat out lying. The texts are gone because he deleted them. I have owned 3 different iPhones and never has an update deleted anything. I just completed the recent update on Saturday and I updated my personal iPhone and my work one. ALL of my texts are still there. In fact, my personal phone is only a week old and there are texts that used to be on the phone I had 3 years ago. I specifically asked the sales tech about possibly losing them because I had some texts from 2 friends that have since passed away and I wanted to save them. Again, I am sorry for your pain.

edited to add:

"So as it stands now, he's to have no contact with her apart from their ball games (where they met, but not where she's openly flirtatious to him). No other contact. He still doesn't want to be the bad guy...so much so that he won't tell her to back off (though he's told her that he'll do anything to please me and that I come first...he did that in front of me)."

Bull crap. No contact means just that - NO CONTACT. I would tell him he needs to comply or he can take a hike right now...but that's just how this behavior affects me now.

[This message edited by Chicky at 8:24 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
rescuedog
♀ New Member
Member # 39171
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just updated my iphone5 to ios7.... and ALL of my texts are still there. If he did a back up recently you can restore them.


The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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