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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Doesn't he ever think I could leave?
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be two months next week since I learned my husband slept with his ex girlfriend and then continued on an EA for about ten months or more.

Since then my husband has asked for us to go to counseling and seems to be making every effort to repair our broken marriage.

I have had to drag some more truth out of him, which is exhausting, but yesterday my counselor suggested I stop digging, for my own health, and try to concentrate on repairing the marriage from here on out. She wants me to look toward the future and not at the past.

My problem is the past relates a lot to the future, but anyhow...one thing that bothers me out of all of this is that for 10 months my husband had someone else interested in him and that boosted his ego, I think. It made him feel wanted, even though I have wanted him since we first met 14 years ago.

During that time I often felt unwanted and alone. I spent many nights alone and in tears because he said he was working late.
My husband has never acted jealous of me talking to any other men and always seems to think I should be the one who will always be here because no one else will ever want me. THat changed a little bit since all of this was dragged out in the open, by me (I don't believe he has voluntarily told me ONE thing this whole time. I have asked him everything and had to grill him about all of it).
After Dday I had a falling out with my SIL (very long story) and then contacted her husband to ask him how I could make ammends with her. Instead of talking about that he wanted to talk about me and he said he wanted to cheer me up.

The conversation got out of hand and he said he wanted to help me get over my husband's A by meeting up with me and helping me "forgive" H for what he'd done.

IN other words: he wanted to screw awhile so i could feel better about the betrayal. At first I thought he was kidding, but then he started to get more serious...even planning out where we could meet. He is married to my husband's sister!

I was sort of flattered by all of this...I won't lie. My husband had cheated on me..seemed to make it clear I was not wanted...called his freaking ex his "angel" (gag) and here was someone paying attention to me. I flirted back a little bit but eventually told him thanks for trying to cheer me up with the fake flirting but that was enough. He said he wasn't faking it.

As a sign of faith to my husband and in an effort to encourage him to keep being honest (after I dragged one of the final lies from him..which involved a trip he was taking seven states away to see the AP) I told him everything my BIL had said to me ... within reason... my husband acted upset, but not real upset. That pissed me off...it was like he was thinking "Please...like anyone else would want her." But maybe it was just too much for him to think about with everything else he had to think about -- the marriage he had destroyed..the family (families) he had destroyed...

A week or so later he started bringing it up...making comments that he couldn't believe he had to worry that his BIL was going to go after his wife.. He'll make these comments off and on. Since the SIL and I are nto talking (I did nothing but that side of the family cut me right off as if I'd had the affair!) we don't have to worry about family gatherings right now, but H says he's worried about any future family events.

This has seemed to be the only time -- ever -- that he has seemed to realize someone else could walk away with me and I know it's wrong but I like that he seems to be a little upset.I like that he sees that what he has done to me has me thinking ... "DO I really want this man?" I like that he is jealous and worried and I hope it will make him fight even harder to keep me around. HE tends to hide and run away, so who knows if that will happen or not.

And to clarify: NO I would not have an A with the BIL. I do NOT find him attractive and I do NOT find men who hit on married women attractive at all. (Sorry to any WS who see this..I am not trying to take a jab at you.) But I like that WS thinks I might would. And yes, I recognize that is warped and kind of sad on my part. :(
Also, I deleted the BIL from my FB, blocked his number on my cell when my husband did the same with the AP (in front of me) I have no idea, however, how we will handle future meetings with that side of the family if we ever do start talking again.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my FWH and I set boundaries two of them related to opposite sex relationships:

1. Do not discuss anything about the marriage or your spouse issues to someone of the oppposite sex (or in public forum).

2. Never be in a compromising situation where you are alone with someone who is the opposite sex.

Your going to the BIL is a big NO-NO. That's probably how your husband started in the first place, complaining about you to his ex-girlfriend. And yes, the SIL could be thinking herself a BW. Just be aware of that and be sensitive to that.

Back to the counsellor, it's only been 2 months. Counsellor is WRONG WRONG WRONG. The past needs to be put on the table, all of it before anyone can move on. Your husband also needs to figure out (by looking at his past) why he committed adultery. A couple cannot repair the marriage if you don't know what the causes of the destruction of that marriage is in the first place. Everything else done before finding the root cause of the problem is called a band-aid.

I am in an almost 6-year R and many others here in real R and waywards will tell you, they only feel that they would never cheat again once they realized what caused them to do it in the first place - hint: cause is not the BS.

I hope this helps you.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

always seems to think I should be the one who will always be here because no one else will ever want me.

Has he said this or are you assuming this is what he thinks?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6529 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't go to the BIL for anything but questions on how to reconcile with my SIL. Trust me, I won't be contacting him again. never saw him as someone who would start making passes at me! And I told him next to nothing about the marriage. My H had already told him and didn't even tell him the complete truth and said we were divorcing so he gave him more info than I ever did.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to direct quote yet, Jana, but yes, you are correct... I am only assuming. It's only a feeling...not a fact, of course


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. How dare our WH think we are disposable? That's what we feel like when we find out about the A.
I want my WH to know that I'm attractive to other men. I'm probably suffering from some pretty low self esteem now but he caused it.
I hope I don't feel this way forever but he really slapped down my ego while his was getting stroked.
I wish this had just not happened...


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadwife...yes...this has done nothing for my already low self esteem but made it 1000 times worse. I certainly hope I don't feel this way forever either but I have a feeling my self esteem will be in the toilet for a very long time :(


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to add something quick. My SIL won't feel like the BW...because I'm not going to tell her what her husband did. I'm confused by it..not sure his motivation and he never physically touched me. IF that had happened then yes, I would tell her, but right now I'm sitting and praying he was just confused (going through his own depression) and that he realizes what could have happened and recommits himself to his wife, which I asked him to do the last time I messaged him...more than three weeks ago. I don't want my SIL to go through what I have...in fact..she already has with her first husband..more than one time. I don't want her to suffer like this. I should have clarified that above. She and I are not talking right now but I don't want her to be in the pain I am in ...


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to add something quick. My SIL won't feel like the BW...because I'm not going to tell her what her husband did. I'm confused by it..not sure his motivation and he never physically touched me. IF that had happened then yes, I would tell her, but right now I'm sitting and praying he was just confused (going through his own depression) and that he realizes what could have happened and recommits himself to his wife, which I asked him to do the last time I messaged him...more than three weeks ago. I don't want my SIL to go through what I have...in fact..she already has with her first husband..more than one time. I don't want her to suffer like this. I should have clarified that above. She and I are not talking right now but I don't want her to be in the pain I am in ...


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 9

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