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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sometimes it hits me, Bam she cheated on you
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was 1yr 4 months ago that DDAY hit me like a ton of bricks. I had my suspicions something was up, but never in a million years thought it was what I was about to find out.

A call comes in to her phone, it's her brother. I pick it up as she was upstairs getting ready for our daily walk/run. As I'm talking to him a text comes in and she has the person entered with 3 initials. Didn't recognize it. However, after I hung up, I remembered the pattern she did with her fingers as she logged into her phone and BINGO, it worked. I was in. The text was "are you there?".

I started reading the previous texts as she hadn't deleted them for several days. What I found was my wife talking to another man about having sex, making out, things she wanted to do with him and him responding to everything. The floor fell from below me. In a moment of shock, I put the phone down and put it back exactly how it was in fear she would discover that I saw it. (Boy was I in shock).

I went outside as she was already out ready for me and I started reciting some of the texts and she looked at me and said "what?". So I told her what I read and she freaked. She actually got pissed, really pissed at me. She said "oh that, it's not big deal. It's just playing around at work, that's all". I said, "you need to stop that" she said, "I will". Long story short we took a walk, we talked about stuff but my gut was telling me there was more. I took her home, had sex (thinking this would fix things).

Next day, I was not in peace. My blood was turning stone cold and thoughts going everywhere. I went to her job for lunch to exchange cars as I had hers for the day. We said hello in the parking lot, exchanged keys, but my eyes were watery and she saw a look of desperation on me. She said "are you okay?" She knew I wasn't well. So I drove away.

At home, I dug up the phone records cause I needed to know who this man was with the 3 initials texting inappropriate stuff to my wife. She had been acting strange for a month. After being frustrated and depressed about her job, now she came home joyful. After me begging for sex, now she came home and couldn't wait for sex. She was not acting herself. Something was missing, something was gone, something was beginning to kill me. So I went through phone records and after hours of searching I finally found a number that was consistent. Long conversations, daily calls after work..etc. This was IT! So I dialed on my cell and when I did, his name popped out. He was in my phone book. It was one of my best friends that work with her.

So that was it. That's how it happened. I confronted her and she told me clearly, peacefully and as if talking to a young child, "I've been attracted to him for years but did not tell you. I fell out of love with you for a while now and didn't tell you either.".

I'm still affected by this. I still cry when I remember that day. I still have the feelings come back to me when I think about it. It's not easy.


Thought I'd share.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Around 1 year was still hard for me. So did 2 years... I still look back and still feel hurt but then I look at the progress we've made and all the work my FWH has done. Keeping it logical and factual helped me with my emotional lows. I suggest making a list of what your FWS had done so far to be a better person/a better wife. Then make a list of what you've done so far to heal. As much as our FWS are to blame, we are as much responsible for our own healing as well. My FWH and I create these lists together on the hardest trigger-happy days. It's rare that we do it now but it keeps us grounded and vigilant about not having an A again or repeat the bad parts of our M.

Hope that helps.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple - it's a great idea. Thank you. I should do that as it would give me some peace and also help me better myself. It's been seriously challenging as other life issues have come up and have knocked us on our feet. R has been much more than just her and I.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep us posted to see how it works out. I'm sure you guys will find other things you can do as well for comforting each other.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I hope you have burned that skirt by now. Sorry, I'm totally holding a grudge over that skirt!!!)

I am this far out and although it has been awhile, I had one of those moments recently. And so on Saturday we were getting ready to go to dinner with friends and I looked at him in the bathroom mirror and said, "do you ever, just BAM, realize what you did? Like it is a total shock? Surreal? Must have been a nightmare?" and he just looked at me in the eyes in the bathroom mirror and whispered, "yes." Closed his eyes and took a deep breath. (I think he is always still waiting for the moment I tell him I am divorcing him.) But, I just said, "Me too" and left to get dressed. That was all there was to it.

You'll get there, 2married. I can't believe how fast these past 6 years have gone. There has been a lot of good times in there, too.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6449 | Registered: Jan 2011
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...she told me clearly, peacefully and as if talking to a young child, "I've been attracted to him for years but did not tell you. I fell out of love with you for a while now and didn't tell you either.".

Sorry for my language but that is some cold blooded shit!

It is horrible in the first place that she was sleeping with your friend but to tell you like your some imbicile that should have known what she was hiding.

Wow. So very hurtful.

When I saw a PM on facebook from the AP...Describing their 'explosive sex acts' I thought I was going to die.

But now some 2.5 years from DD things are much, much better.

The first year out (and the second year for that matter) were horrible.

This year has its ups and downs. Acceptance is a bitch! But mostly we have gotten used to being a loving couple again.

I can almost say "I Love You" without flinching.

As long as your WW is making a real effort to show you her love and fidelity your marriage will have a fighting chance.

Mr. Happy is trying to 'love' the hurt out of me. I hope your WW is doing the same for you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather - lol, skirt is tucked away. We have talked about it at length. Nice to know it means nothing to her though. We'll cross that bridge again next summer. And yes, the "BAM" moments still happen especially when I look right into her eyes. She has those moments too. Surreal indeed. Like we are living a nightmare that will go away as soon as we wake up.

Getting to Happy I have gotten to acceptance but she hasn't. She's working on herself but the pain, the guilt, the shame does not let her progress and see me for a loving husband. Instead she sees an innocent man she has severely hurt and a marriage she's ruined.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a marriage she's ruined

A marriage she has ended.
You have started a new marriage now, lets hope it will be much more wonderful.

We are about 1 year further down the road than you are, 2m2q. WH has been so resistant to looking at anything, but maybe we are making a few baby steps.
I guess that those BAM moments will always be there, but the day to day doesn't hurt as much.

sending you strength


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2012
shortee126
♀ Member
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too remember the day (or night I should say) that FWH walked out on us and the 4 months that followed. I could be having a good day and it slaps me in the face so randomly that he was intimate with another woman.
The whole I fell out of love with you saying is bull but it does not make it feel any better to know that this was his way of convincing himself that he did not love me anymore and that he was doing what was right. I think the worst for me is when he told me that he was in love with her. This damaged me in a way that will never be repaired!

I can almost say "I Love You" without flinching.

This is how I feel now. I am afraid if I allow myself to love him as I have in the past then I will get hurt again. We both have come a long way in R but have such a long way to go still.
Wishing you the best!!


BS- 35
WS-34
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday you asked a few questions in Wayward, because you said you want to help FWW heal. You can provide a safe, loving environment, but beyond that I'm not sure a BH can help a WW heal. We must choose that path on our own. From what I'm reading in your profile and this post, I sense your WW hasn't chosen that path. Do you have any idea why? Does she have unresolved childhood trauma or FOO issues she's reluctant to face?

Most of your questions revolved around remorse, IMO. Has your WW expressed true remorse? You asked how does a WW accept the fact that we were part of destroying another family and that there's a BS on the other end that hates us. In our sitch we outed the APs to their BWs, and BH made himself available for questions. The end. My own BH and children are my only concern now.

What can I do to right the wrong? Nada. It'll always be unfair and wrong. But how has the A changed me? For the better, but in spite of, not because of. I began IC about 20 years after I should've. And I do sometimes feel lost and depressed, but I take comfort in my loving family, and my therapist helps me with the cognitive dissonance.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j... 2married2quit, I'm curious about the skirt. There were a few articles of clothing that I put in the garbage after DDay because they were forever linked to my AP. I couldn't wear them without reminding both my BH and myself of what I had done. I don't know the story of the skirt you and rebreather are mentioning, but it seems to me that maybe the trash is a better place for it than just "tucked away."


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to respond to everyone:

Shortee126

The whole I fell out of love with you saying is bull but it does not make it feel any better to know that this was his way of convincing himself that he did not love me anymore and that he was doing what was right. I think the worst for me is when he told me that he was in love with her. This damaged me in a way that will never be repaired!

I heard this for about 6 months. She took about 4-5 months to fully detox of OM. She still gives me the "I feel nothing" routine. After a while, this does some significant damage to you emotionally, mentally and to the love you feel for your spouse. I feel like I am indeed damaged and abused.

mchercheur

You have started a new marriage now, lets hope it will be much more wonderful.

We have, although I don't believe it is up and running yet. She's got a lot to go.

20WrongsVs1

Does she have unresolved childhood trauma or FOO issues she's reluctant to face?

YES! She's a victim of Child Sexual Abuse. It's been hidden from everyone up until now. She has dealt with it since childhood silently. It has A LOT to do with what she did and how she reacted and what she's doing at this moment in escapism and rug sweeping. I'm not sure how much longer I can take the lack of sympathy for me. She has it, then it's gone. It's on and off.

Neznayou

I'm curious about the skirt. There were a few articles of clothing that I put in the garbage after DDay because they were forever linked to my AP. I couldn't wear them without reminding both my BH and myself of what I had done. I don't know the story of the skirt you and rebreather are mentioning, but it seems to me that maybe the trash is a better place for it than just "tucked away."

You are 100% correct! I wish she would throw it away. And actually she did throw away some articles of clothing that had something to do with the A. It's just that others she asked if she could keep them and we would revisit that option at a later time. I agreed, but still, she should put me as #1 and the marriage and get rid of the crap. Again, it's a self centered act that has much to do with rugsweeping and compartmentalization of thoughts.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say this gently but there's just no way to do it...

You guys are well over a year out. At this point your wife needs to get her head out of her ass and start working to heal you and your marriage. But, just as important, you need to put your foot down and start demanding a wife that understands what she has done and begins to do what YOU need.

She cheated - she owes you AT LEAST this much. And, believe me, I do understand that a WS doesn't just snap back into the marriage overnight. But it's over a year. C'mon, man - stand up for yourself and stop allowing her to dictate your recovery.

There are so many people who are betrayed by a spouse but don't have the personal self-esteem to demand.... YES! DEMAND!.... what they need to reconcile.

This isn't a high school romance. This is your marriage! If she's not in it to help you (the guy she married and promised to love) then tell her to get the hell out!

Sorry for the 2x4.... I simply cannot stand watching people get pissed on.

And for God's sake - tell her to throw the f'n skirt out because it bothers you! If she won't do it then tell her you're throwing it out - and she can follow it out the door.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's a victim of Child Sexual Abuse.

I figured. Me too. I'll give the standard, "not that it excuses the A" disclaimer. How much IC has she had for this?

It has A LOT to do with what she did and how she reacted and what she's doing at this moment in escapism and rug sweeping.

Yep, ICR. My IC dx'd me with PTSD and said I've been employing dissociation to cope with the trauma. Your WW needs to deal with the CSA, but I will admit it is terrifying! My brain locked the memories away for about 11 years, and it took 20 more for me to get into IC and face it. Post-A, unfortunately.

I'm not sure how much longer I can take the lack of sympathy for me.

You two are in a terrible bind, because I'm sensing her A brought her CSA into the light, and now she's got to deal with that as well as the pain she wrought upon you. And you're in the unenviable position of feeling obligated to provide support to someone who abused you.

I don't PM men (boundaries!) but your WW is welcome to contact me anytime.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20Wrongs, you're finally someone that understands. I'd love for her to correspond with you. She just doesn't want to face it all. Too painful. All is painful. She stopped IC for reasons beyond our control. I'm just affraid not working on all this may kill our marriage. :(


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

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