My situation was exactly what StrongerOne describes, where the MOW was one of my husband's best friends prior to the A, and pretty much from the moment of D Day he told me that what he missed was the friendship and not the affair. It was torture to see him cry over losing her, when I've never seen him cry, ever. It was hard to hear him vigorously deny that he was just in love with how he felt during the A, not with her.
But...after one broken NC and a number of weeks of his trying to figure out how to continue to be just her best friend, like it had been prior to the A, he realized that for him ending the relationship permanently would be the best. So that's where we are now...building our life without her in it. So from D-day to when he told her goodbye forever was 9 weeks.
I'm sure he still struggles with missing her on some level, but it doesn't show or impact daily life the way it did for the first 9 weeks. We talk about it and he says he'd rather have the happy memories of their friendship before the A than to continue to make a mess of our lives, and I guess he's still compartmentalizing at some level. But for now I can live with the thought that when he thinks back on the friendship he retains some good memories, the same way I'm sure some divorced people can still think back to when their marriage was happy and have good memories of their ex-spouse.
I'll also be really honest about the fact that I know my husband emotionally was not capable of withstanding my pushing this issue hard in those early weeks. If I'd told him to keep his mourning to himself or leave, I think he would have crumbled and given up. So I stuck with it, which I know is not the mainstream advice most people would give. And in the end, for us I think it was better that he grieved in his own way and came to his own conclusions about the AP. His moving out of that grief stage certainly feels authentic and real and likely to last because he came to those insights on his own instead of me forcing the issue.
Feeling your pain and wishing you the best.
So to clarify, he doesn't miss her but has struggled with the burden of knowing how much he screwed up on every front. If he'd been emotionally healthy, set boundaries, etc....there never would have been an A, he and I wouldn't have been through the trauma, and we would all still be friends (I was friends with MOW and her H and vice versa). So what he has expressed is grief over losing what he'd expected the future to hold (including what should have continued to have been good friendships between all of us), had he not screwed it up so unbelievably.
But even that sentiment is hardly there at this point given how things ended with the MOW...and my husband realizing how messed up and manipulative she is, and how she was completely selfish rather than thinking about my H's best interests and needs.
I was friends with OM. He was married too. Great friendship, fond memories but the end was devastating and disastrous. Him and her could NEVER be friends again. It just wouldn't happen. His BS and me would never trust them alone EVER. Especially around technology (e-mail, cell..etc.).
If he gets upset, just say, "I am not saying that is going to happen, but I would like to discuss it incase it would."
If he is worrying about losing you, he will focus totally on you.
Awful these games we have to play but as they say, "All is fair in love and war."
And when a OP is still involve, if even in their mind, it is WAR.
I know my FWW missed the her A because it took her a while to end it after DDay and then she grieved for a while. Don't know why, since she worked with her AP and continued to see him (not for sex, I believe) for years.
And, she said "I wasn't in love with him, it didn't mean a thing" and "I don't remember" so many times I don't know how she could have felt a thing, but there you have it.
[This message edited by MoreWould at 5:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]