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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH Grieving loss of OW
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LifeJourney, I feel for you. I was in the same boat and took the same approach that Love Actually describes. As twisted as this sounds, fWH talking about how much he missed her and how heartbroken he was was some of the most open and honest conversation we'd had in ages before the A. That kept me sane, along with the knowledge that I could always choose to end our marriage. So I basically said "I think my decent and loving and wonderful husband is still in there, and I'm going to be strong and support him (even if he doesn't deserve it) for a while, because I think he will come around, and if he doesn't, I can make my own choices."

My situation was exactly what StrongerOne describes, where the MOW was one of my husband's best friends prior to the A, and pretty much from the moment of D Day he told me that what he missed was the friendship and not the affair. It was torture to see him cry over losing her, when I've never seen him cry, ever. It was hard to hear him vigorously deny that he was just in love with how he felt during the A, not with her.

But...after one broken NC and a number of weeks of his trying to figure out how to continue to be just her best friend, like it had been prior to the A, he realized that for him ending the relationship permanently would be the best. So that's where we are now...building our life without her in it. So from D-day to when he told her goodbye forever was 9 weeks.

I'm sure he still struggles with missing her on some level, but it doesn't show or impact daily life the way it did for the first 9 weeks. We talk about it and he says he'd rather have the happy memories of their friendship before the A than to continue to make a mess of our lives, and I guess he's still compartmentalizing at some level. But for now I can live with the thought that when he thinks back on the friendship he retains some good memories, the same way I'm sure some divorced people can still think back to when their marriage was happy and have good memories of their ex-spouse.

I'll also be really honest about the fact that I know my husband emotionally was not capable of withstanding my pushing this issue hard in those early weeks. If I'd told him to keep his mourning to himself or leave, I think he would have crumbled and given up. So I stuck with it, which I know is not the mainstream advice most people would give. And in the end, for us I think it was better that he grieved in his own way and came to his own conclusions about the AP. His moving out of that grief stage certainly feels authentic and real and likely to last because he came to those insights on his own instead of me forcing the issue.

Feeling your pain and wishing you the best.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arnold01 - Sorry to say but you're too understanding and he's too nice. Great qualities, but not good when A happens. That woman was not a "friend". "Friends" don't take advantage of each others brokenness. Friends do not cross the line. Friends respect boundaries and each other's marriage. In fact, a real "Friend" would fight for the other's marriage. It took a while for my FWW to see this and when she did it was like a light bulb turned on. She started getting pissed at him. However, he's not alone to blame, it takes two, but the "friends" hat was blown off the minute the lines were crossed. That can NEVER be recaptured. So why miss someone that helped in destroying you and your marriage?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points 2m2q, and without hijacking this post, I'd say that overall my H gets that. He started to see how he'd been manipulated - while admitting that it took two - and got pissed at her. When he tried to say goodbye forever, her true colors came out, and my H's eyes were really opened.

So to clarify, he doesn't miss her but has struggled with the burden of knowing how much he screwed up on every front. If he'd been emotionally healthy, set boundaries, etc....there never would have been an A, he and I wouldn't have been through the trauma, and we would all still be friends (I was friends with MOW and her H and vice versa). So what he has expressed is grief over losing what he'd expected the future to hold (including what should have continued to have been good friendships between all of us), had he not screwed it up so unbelievably.

But even that sentiment is hardly there at this point given how things ended with the MOW...and my husband realizing how messed up and manipulative she is, and how she was completely selfish rather than thinking about my H's best interests and needs.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arnold01 - Yep, that's what happens. The friendship gets ruined. I wish you two well.


I was friends with OM. He was married too. Great friendship, fond memories but the end was devastating and disastrous. Him and her could NEVER be friends again. It just wouldn't happen. His BS and me would never trust them alone EVER. Especially around technology (e-mail, cell..etc.).


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a huge difference between asking to be lied to and simply not asking. For most waywards, there is going to be a detox period. But being part of the detox as the BS is gutting and really, really hard to handle later on down the road. That is why they advice is TAKE THAT SHIT ELSEWHERE. It's not that we don't want the truth, it's that we know the truth already. I told my FWH to tell me when he was "done" feeling for her, but not to take to long with it because I might not be there when he was. Took about 6 weeks from dday2.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a private message


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jan 2011
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, not sure about your whole story, but if you get him to focus on you, he won't have time to worry about her. He needs to live in fear of losing you, that this may be a deal breaker, but you haven't made your mind up yet.
A soft 180 would probably work, and by that, I mean you start doing stuff on your own, having fun sometimes without him, start talking about some "ifs" with him, such as,
If we did separate or divorce, how do you think we need to handle the finances, or who would stay in the house.

If he gets upset, just say, "I am not saying that is going to happen, but I would like to discuss it incase it would."

If he is worrying about losing you, he will focus totally on you.

Awful these games we have to play but as they say, "All is fair in love and war."
And when a OP is still involve, if even in their mind, it is WAR.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1311 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Kansas. The affair could still continue all in his mind. It's still cheating. The affair has to be dead by ALL accounts in order to move forward.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a certain amount of grieving over the loss of the A is inevitable and it does the BH credit to recognize that, even when we feel like we're giving them a gift they surely don't deserve. A bit like watching over a junkie that you happen to love going through withdrawal. You're both hurting.

I know my FWW missed the her A because it took her a while to end it after DDay and then she grieved for a while. Don't know why, since she worked with her AP and continued to see him (not for sex, I believe) for years.

And, she said "I wasn't in love with him, it didn't mean a thing" and "I don't remember" so many times I don't know how she could have felt a thing, but there you have it.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 5:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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