The lies have probably been the hardest and worst part for me as well. It's just the continual lying until I came back with new evidence that hurt so much and was so hard. That's what makes it so hard to trust him now. All he ever did was lie until I confronted him with evidence.
I think I will have an answer soon too. This site has been enlightening for me. I am hoping he does IC & CC and takes it seriously, but I don't have a lot of hope right now that he will. I guess I will see and like you said, that will tell me all I need to know.
All he keeps telling me is he isn't doing anything bad or wrong. Well he said that before, so it's hard to believe him. Other than deleting everything in front of me, he hasn't really taken any other steps to make things better or change his behavior. And he is still occasionally watching some porn, just not interacting or chatting (according to him) on those sites. I think he shouldn't even be on a site where that is an option!
I know it's not about me at all. But his need to still watch porn makes me feel like I'm not enough.
I know you are right. You made some extremely good points and I have thought all of those same things.
I know you should never marry someone wanting them to change because marriage doesn't just make someone change. I guess I was hoping with IC and CC he could get to the "why" and work on changing his behavior. But I'm finally starting to realize that it's not going to work if he doesn't think he has a problem and he doesn't feel the need to put in the work.
You and everyone else on here are right. Just saying he won't do it again is not going to really make him stop in the future.
Yes breakups suck and I've put in a lot of investment. But the reason I've hung on is really not that, it's more that I've never felt for someone like I feel about him and other than this stuff, we get along and are very compatible. BUT this is VERY serious stuff. I know that. I don't want a life partner who does this kind of stuff. I don't want that to be my life. I don't want the lies, the hurt, and the betrayal.
That is my fear. If he does this now, I fear he will do it again in the future. I am sure the pain is so much more intense the longer you've been with someone, marriage, kids, etc. I can't even imagine, because my pain is pretty intense. I don't ever want to feel this pain again!
I understand it's hard to move on. I am still with my BF at the moment and trying to figure everything out. So I might not be the best person to give you advice on the moving on part. I do believe that everything gets better with time though (as cliche as that is). And I am here for you anytime if you want to talk. :)
Yes, it is good I am eating. Just sucks that I am overeating and craving sweets that I normally don't eat! But I guess it is better than the opposite.
Are you in IC? I am and that is where I plan on working on my trust issues. Right now, if my boyfriend and I break up, I don't think I could trust another guy. But I also wouldn't go right back to dating. I would take time and do a lot of IC and work on my trust and stuff with my therapist. I do think I will eventually be able to trust a guy again, but it will take work to get to that place.
Ding.Ding.Ding. (<--that's supposed to be that bell that goes off when someone answers correctly......)
He doesn't see it as a problem, and you *explaining* it to him isn't going to work for the long run either. This is a base-line difference of values.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Even though we talked about values when we were dating and getting to know each other, I now realize we have a lot of different values. Then again that is because he lied about some of his values previously.
If counseling is not an option, although I think it is always helpful, then other than posting on here you should check out the healing library on this site as well. Also, maybe there are some good books that you can read. And you can private message me anytime as well if you want. :)
I'm sorry you feel stranded, but you are not alone. You have all of us on this site that understand how it feels to be lied to and for someone you care about to betray you.
With the information you have given me, in my opinion, it seems like that guy is playing games with you a little and he does not seem remorseful. He also does not seem like he wants a relationship with you and it doesn't sound like he is capable of being faithful at the moment. In my gentle opinion, as hard as it will be, I think the healthiest thing is for you to go NC (no contact) with him and work on yourself and try to move on. Trying to be friends with him does not sound like it would be healthy for you. I know it is going to be really hard, but you have to think about what is best for you.
I am sure you will eventually find someone else. Right now just focus on you. I understand about a lot of people your age being in relationships. But personally I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats just so I could be in a relationship. I am still trying to figure my relationship out, but I have not stayed thus far just because I don't want to be alone. I don't mind being alone. I just want to be happy.
Also, since you are feeling depressed and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of access to counseling, Can you see your doctor and maybe get some anti depressants?
Take care. Hugs!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
You sound so much stronger, girl!! I know you are still in pain but hang on in there, whatever you decide you will be just fine : ) I know it! It does sound like you are in the mindset of not "settling" for this, so stay strong and focus on you. So glad you are in IC and that you are working on yourself. Really proud of you.
Amber - it sounds like he is rugsweeping ot just cannot see what he has done is wrong. Please do not stay in an awful situation because you are worried about being lonely. I totally understand your fear with that, but you are NEVER alone - we are all here for you! You sound like a very intelligent girl, so focus on your career and look after yourself.
Hugs to all x
Thank you! I do feel stronger. I know no matter what, it will be ok! :)
This site has really helped me think about all of my concerns. It has also made me feel validated in having the concerns I have. I am looking forward to IC tomorrow as it is the first session I've had since joining (I joined right before my session last week). I have A LOT to talk about!
I am definitely not settling for any of this. I am still sorting all of my feelings out. But I do know that I will not stay with him if he doesn't take IC and CC seriously and really put in the work. That is if I even ended up staying with him at all and give him that chance.
How are you doing NoAnswers?
If he does this as just a boyfriend, then marriage sure won't stop him & the stakes get so much higher then. You can't get out of a marriage as easily as you can leave a boyfriend.
All I know is I do not want a future with a guy that would do everything that he has done to me. And yes I know it is a lot easier to break up than get a divorce.
I have a feeling I'm inching towards the "angry stage". And it has only been 4 weeks, so I am really quite surprised with how well I am doing!!
I hope your IC goes well today - let us know how you got on.
Just one little note my lovely - you say you will not consider the relationship unless he takes IC and CC seriously - how much time will you give him? Have you set a deadline for him to get serious about this? I only say that as I would have thought only true R can happen if the other person shows real remorse when shit hits the fan. I just don't want this dragging out for you or for him to give you false hope...
NoAnswers - I am so happy that you are getting better day by day!! :) You are doing really well. I'm not surprised at all, you seem very smart and strong.
I was planning on giving him until the beginning of Nov, so basically a month, to see if he would take everything seriously. IC, CC, and proving that he is remorseful and that he knows what he did was wrong and for him to try to figure out the why.
BUT.... Now I doubt any of that is going to happen. He is reluctant to do CC and IC for himself, even though before he said he would do anything, including CC. IC for him is a definite no from him. And for CC he just eventually sarcastically says fine I'll go if you really want me to, but it's not needed. Finally yesterday I asked him why he is so reluctant. He said we should be able to do it on our own, it isn't needed, and he doesn't want to go. When I was asking him why he won't go he just kept saying because I doesn't want to. REALLY?! I feel if he was willing to do anything for us he would do CC without any complaints.
Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now! Both of those statements make me feel like this isn't going to work. He just doesn't understand! I still can't believe he thinks I should be over it already. It's not like he has done much to help me get over it!
I keep telling him he needs to figure out why he did all of that stuff and he needs to work on himself to fix this long term behavior. All he will ever say is that he won't do it ever again and since he made that decision that's all that he needs to do! Really? Pretty sure just saying you aren't going to do something you've done for a long time ever again is not going to work.
So yeah. I am basically done. I mean I know now that he isn't willing to do the work and a life with him isn't what I want. I know it is stupid, but I want to wait until after I talk everything out with my IC before I make my final decision and break up with him. She always helps me with role playing what I am going to say and stuff like that, so I think it will be helpful.
I know I deserve better than this though. :)
I know what I need to do. This just sucks. I know none of this is about me, but I feel rejected and like I'm not worth fighting for. Which of course proves even more he isn't the one for me, but a shitty situation none the less. He just feels like everything should be better and I should just move on. He doesn't get that it takes work!
Sorry, just needed to vent after a bad night.
Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now!
I think it sounds like you are dealing with this in a very healthy way.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
And yesterday there was another great line from him. We were arguing because I questioned him about a search on his phone. After telling me I can't let things go and I always bring things up again (because of course what he did before came up in this conversation). He then walks away and sarcastically says "I love my life". REALLY? All of this happened because of his actions and lies. I treated him amazingly. And now I'm sad and upset and my life got turned upside down, but I didn't do anything to cause that. I couldn't believe he had the balls to say that!!
Thank you Sadtoo. I agree that a lot of how my boyfriend is acting are red flags! I am trying to deal with all this the healthiest / best way I can. It is hard and sucks right now, but I'll be ok and stronger than ever one day. :) I'm looking forward to IC tomorrow. I have a lot to catch her up on!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.