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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New Here - My Story
Pacman
♂ New Member
Member # 40834
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not married, no kids and young. If he does not honor your relationship now, he will not honor it later. I have a similar problem with my wife, I just found out she is sexting an old boyfriend at the very minimum. We have been together for 14 years with 2 children. Don't get yourself down the road like this when you have the ability to change it now. The pain is much more intense.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Washington State
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a little similiar to yours as i've posted in the post ' confusion.' I didn't read this thread of I would have not posted a new one. Sigh, being in the same boat and reading what others say, i guess its bit clearer to me now. However, the feelings are so strong and it's so hard to move on. You sound much more stronger than me and it's good you're eating ! Glad to hear that. Just a question though, do you think you are able to trust other guys now because I'm really having trust issues after all the lies!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo - Thank you. I know I will sort it all out in the end and make the right choice.

The lies have probably been the hardest and worst part for me as well. It's just the continual lying until I came back with new evidence that hurt so much and was so hard. That's what makes it so hard to trust him now. All he ever did was lie until I confronted him with evidence.

I think I will have an answer soon too. This site has been enlightening for me. I am hoping he does IC & CC and takes it seriously, but I don't have a lot of hope right now that he will. I guess I will see and like you said, that will tell me all I need to know.

All he keeps telling me is he isn't doing anything bad or wrong. Well he said that before, so it's hard to believe him. Other than deleting everything in front of me, he hasn't really taken any other steps to make things better or change his behavior. And he is still occasionally watching some porn, just not interacting or chatting (according to him) on those sites. I think he shouldn't even be on a site where that is an option!

I know it's not about me at all. But his need to still watch porn makes me feel like I'm not enough.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe - Thank you for your response.

I know you are right. You made some extremely good points and I have thought all of those same things.

I know you should never marry someone wanting them to change because marriage doesn't just make someone change. I guess I was hoping with IC and CC he could get to the "why" and work on changing his behavior. But I'm finally starting to realize that it's not going to work if he doesn't think he has a problem and he doesn't feel the need to put in the work.

You and everyone else on here are right. Just saying he won't do it again is not going to really make him stop in the future.

Yes breakups suck and I've put in a lot of investment. But the reason I've hung on is really not that, it's more that I've never felt for someone like I feel about him and other than this stuff, we get along and are very compatible. BUT this is VERY serious stuff. I know that. I don't want a life partner who does this kind of stuff. I don't want that to be my life. I don't want the lies, the hurt, and the betrayal.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pacman - I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. hugs to you!

That is my fear. If he does this now, I fear he will do it again in the future. I am sure the pain is so much more intense the longer you've been with someone, marriage, kids, etc. I can't even imagine, because my pain is pretty intense. I don't ever want to feel this pain again!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amber - I am sorry that you are going through something similar. I would never want anyone to be in the same boat as me with this.

I understand it's hard to move on. I am still with my BF at the moment and trying to figure everything out. So I might not be the best person to give you advice on the moving on part. I do believe that everything gets better with time though (as cliche as that is). And I am here for you anytime if you want to talk. :)

Yes, it is good I am eating. Just sucks that I am overeating and craving sweets that I normally don't eat! But I guess it is better than the opposite.

Are you in IC? I am and that is where I plan on working on my trust issues. Right now, if my boyfriend and I break up, I don't think I could trust another guy. But I also wouldn't go right back to dating. I would take time and do a lot of IC and work on my trust and stuff with my therapist. I do think I will eventually be able to trust a guy again, but it will take work to get to that place.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*****it's not going to work if he doesn't think he has a problem*****


Ding.Ding.Ding. (<--that's supposed to be that bell that goes off when someone answers correctly......)

He doesn't see it as a problem, and you *explaining* it to him isn't going to work for the long run either. This is a base-line difference of values.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am finally really starting to realize this and accept that.

Even though we talked about values when we were dating and getting to know each other, I now realize we have a lot of different values. Then again that is because he lied about some of his values previously.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Amber1818
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, hmm sorry but erm, what's IC? If i decipher it correctly, its something about seeing a therapist? In my country, we don't really have such thing and it's not common for us to see a counselor.=( I am a medical student myself and I find it really hard to control my feelings and emotions. The thing is, he kept saying he doesnt have the face to face me and my family and friends and its better for me to forget him and move on. I asked if he missed me and he said he does but it doesnt matter anymore. Now his heart is just empty and he wants to move on with life and not be reminded of it. However, whenever i attempt to talk to him, the issue will rise up and he will get angry at me for not letting the issue go and squeezing the whole thing out. I'm not sure what he's thinking right now. I asked if he wants to give a chance to us and we start from scratch just as friends. He said ok and see how it goes. But when i asked him to promise me not to have one night stands or make out with people, he said friends dont make friends promise such stuff. He finds being friends with me is difficult coz i tend to act like his gf instead of a friend and remind him of all the past incident. I'm not sure whether that's remorse or just sweeping everything under the rug. Right now ,i feel like i can't find someone and its hard for me to go into another relationship. My job scope doesn't permit me to meet many people and by now, most of the people my age would have been engaged or have partners. I'm really worried, if i dont have him back, then i would really be lonely. Im feeling quite depressed and worried for the future. I admire your courage that you're at least working things out with your bf. I'm just.. stranded.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amber - IC means individual counseling. It took me awhile to get all of the abbreviations :)

If counseling is not an option, although I think it is always helpful, then other than posting on here you should check out the healing library on this site as well. Also, maybe there are some good books that you can read. And you can private message me anytime as well if you want. :)

I'm sorry you feel stranded, but you are not alone. You have all of us on this site that understand how it feels to be lied to and for someone you care about to betray you.

With the information you have given me, in my opinion, it seems like that guy is playing games with you a little and he does not seem remorseful. He also does not seem like he wants a relationship with you and it doesn't sound like he is capable of being faithful at the moment. In my gentle opinion, as hard as it will be, I think the healthiest thing is for you to go NC (no contact) with him and work on yourself and try to move on. Trying to be friends with him does not sound like it would be healthy for you. I know it is going to be really hard, but you have to think about what is best for you.

I am sure you will eventually find someone else. Right now just focus on you. I understand about a lot of people your age being in relationships. But personally I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats just so I could be in a relationship. I am still trying to figure my relationship out, but I have not stayed thus far just because I don't want to be alone. I don't mind being alone. I just want to be happy.

Also, since you are feeling depressed and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of access to counseling, Can you see your doctor and maybe get some anti depressants?

Take care. Hugs!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Megs, thought I'd drop in to see how you are doing,

You sound so much stronger, girl!! I know you are still in pain but hang on in there, whatever you decide you will be just fine : ) I know it! It does sound like you are in the mindset of not "settling" for this, so stay strong and focus on you. So glad you are in IC and that you are working on yourself. Really proud of you.

Amber - it sounds like he is rugsweeping ot just cannot see what he has done is wrong. Please do not stay in an awful situation because you are worried about being lonely. I totally understand your fear with that, but you are NEVER alone - we are all here for you! You sound like a very intelligent girl, so focus on your career and look after yourself.

Hugs to all x


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awe thank you for checking in on me NoAnswers!

Thank you! I do feel stronger. I know no matter what, it will be ok! :)

This site has really helped me think about all of my concerns. It has also made me feel validated in having the concerns I have. I am looking forward to IC tomorrow as it is the first session I've had since joining (I joined right before my session last week). I have A LOT to talk about!

I am definitely not settling for any of this. I am still sorting all of my feelings out. But I do know that I will not stay with him if he doesn't take IC and CC seriously and really put in the work. That is if I even ended up staying with him at all and give him that chance.

How are you doing NoAnswers?


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to say that I am with gonnabe2016......run, Forest, run.
As fast as you can.

If he does this as just a boyfriend, then marriage sure won't stop him & the stakes get so much higher then. You can't get out of a marriage as easily as you can leave a boyfriend.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply OMG. Yes, I think most people are telling me to run. I am almost to that point. I know right now that the only way I would even consider staying with him is if he does IC, CC, and puts in a lot of work. He needs to understand, not just say, what he did was wrong. And he would need to work on trying to figure out why he did all of that. I doubt he will do any of that though and I know he won't have a chance at changing unless he does at least all of that.

All I know is I do not want a future with a guy that would do everything that he has done to me. And yes I know it is a lot easier to break up than get a divorce.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello! I'm OK thanks, still taking it day by day but getting there - I am no longer looking back at the relationship and the MILLION happy memories with that much pain - I am more thinking about the fact that he was taking to those other women WHILST those happy memories were taking place. Grrrrrr!

I have a feeling I'm inching towards the "angry stage". And it has only been 4 weeks, so I am really quite surprised with how well I am doing!!

I hope your IC goes well today - let us know how you got on.

Just one little note my lovely - you say you will not consider the relationship unless he takes IC and CC seriously - how much time will you give him? Have you set a deadline for him to get serious about this? I only say that as I would have thought only true R can happen if the other person shows real remorse when shit hits the fan. I just don't want this dragging out for you or for him to give you false hope...

Take care


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my IC ended up getting canceled last night! :( My therapist's car broke down on the freeway, so totally understandable that she had to cancel, but it really sucked because last night I really needed it. It's rescheduled for Monday.

NoAnswers - I am so happy that you are getting better day by day!! :) You are doing really well. I'm not surprised at all, you seem very smart and strong.

I was planning on giving him until the beginning of Nov, so basically a month, to see if he would take everything seriously. IC, CC, and proving that he is remorseful and that he knows what he did was wrong and for him to try to figure out the why.

BUT.... Now I doubt any of that is going to happen. He is reluctant to do CC and IC for himself, even though before he said he would do anything, including CC. IC for him is a definite no from him. And for CC he just eventually sarcastically says fine I'll go if you really want me to, but it's not needed. Finally yesterday I asked him why he is so reluctant. He said we should be able to do it on our own, it isn't needed, and he doesn't want to go. When I was asking him why he won't go he just kept saying because I doesn't want to. REALLY?! I feel if he was willing to do anything for us he would do CC without any complaints.

Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now! Both of those statements make me feel like this isn't going to work. He just doesn't understand! I still can't believe he thinks I should be over it already. It's not like he has done much to help me get over it!

I keep telling him he needs to figure out why he did all of that stuff and he needs to work on himself to fix this long term behavior. All he will ever say is that he won't do it ever again and since he made that decision that's all that he needs to do! Really? Pretty sure just saying you aren't going to do something you've done for a long time ever again is not going to work.

So yeah. I am basically done. I mean I know now that he isn't willing to do the work and a life with him isn't what I want. I know it is stupid, but I want to wait until after I talk everything out with my IC before I make my final decision and break up with him. She always helps me with role playing what I am going to say and stuff like that, so I think it will be helpful.

I know I deserve better than this though. :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad night tonight. I just wish he was more remorseful. He is only full of words and no action. And as time goes on (less than 2 months since the last and worst DDay) he seems less remorseful.

I know what I need to do. This just sucks. I know none of this is about me, but I feel rejected and like I'm not worth fighting for. Which of course proves even more he isn't the one for me, but a shitty situation none the less. He just feels like everything should be better and I should just move on. He doesn't get that it takes work!

Sorry, just needed to vent after a bad night.


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Megs. I know it's hard and I know it hurts. But you are right. He is showing you who he is right now.

Then he said he feels like I'm overreacting sometimes and said he thought I would have been over everything by now!

This is really bad and a big red flag! I heard this too from my XH. All the while he continued to lie, cheat and have more affairs.

I think it sounds like you are dealing with this in a very healthy way.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is showing me who he is. Between now not wanting to do counseling and telling me he thinks I'm overreacting sometimes and I should be over it, he is not remorseful and doing everything he can to work on us and have me regain trust in him.

And yesterday there was another great line from him. We were arguing because I questioned him about a search on his phone. After telling me I can't let things go and I always bring things up again (because of course what he did before came up in this conversation). He then walks away and sarcastically says "I love my life". REALLY? All of this happened because of his actions and lies. I treated him amazingly. And now I'm sad and upset and my life got turned upside down, but I didn't do anything to cause that. I couldn't believe he had the balls to say that!!

Thank you Sadtoo. I agree that a lot of how my boyfriend is acting are red flags! I am trying to deal with all this the healthiest / best way I can. It is hard and sucks right now, but I'll be ok and stronger than ever one day. :) I'm looking forward to IC tomorrow. I have a lot to catch her up on!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just consider this. You are already in that awful place where you feel you need to check his electronics, where you can't feel safe and trust. This is not a place of comfort - I know, I was there at the end of a long marriage with two teenage kids. The thought of having such a tarnished opinion of someone and STILL giving him my precious life... never never never.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
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