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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm just not okay
prissyprisi
♀ New Member
Member # 40721
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been five very long, very hard months since my DDay. Last Friday we had a really long talk, which was the first one since I found out, and he said he came totally clean to me, claiming it was just a one kiss thing aside from the EA. Never anything physical. A new story from the ones he's tried feeding me before.

Like the rest of us on here, I feel as though WBF is lying yet again. I do not trust that all they did while alone together was kiss. He didnt tell me where they were alone together, how often, or how many times and I am now afraid to ask anything else because I feel as though I'm nagging him with the topic. Every day I have a million new questions, and they go unanswered because they are never asked. On Friday I only got up the nerve to ask a few questions, and he answered me. But I couldnt deal with much more, and it was wicked late night, almost 4AM at this point. Sadly our convo had to come to an end. And now I'm afraid to get another one going.

I cannot get this off my mind, regardless of other significant things I have going on. It's as if this has the most priority in my life, though we do have two children. I absolutely HAAAATEEEE this right now. I am constantly sitting in front of this computer almost expecting to find a post on here from someone who found out the truth explaining how they did so, so that I can do it too. I say I'm going to get off, stop doing this to myself, and yet I find myself back on here thinking the same thoughts, looking for answers that only he can give me, and feeling so very hopeless.

I want to call this off, but I'm not strong enough. I want to stay, but I'm not strong enough. I want to be normal and trust again, but I'm not strong enough.

I may go stay at my mom's with my girls for the weekend and try to think and clear my head. That won't happen but it will be much needed time away from him. I do want to be with him all the time because I love this man. But I despise him when he's near, just like I despise him when he's gone for fear of what he might be doing, or who.

This is bullshit. I hate him for doing this to me. I almost want to do it right back so he knows how I feel, I want him to hurt physically because the pain in my chest is damn near explosive. I want to know the truth and I want control over myself again.

Every single day I wake and tell myself today is the day I put this behind me and stop thinking about it. Today I will be happy and not allow this to take over me anymore. Today is the day I wont fight him over dirty dishes when I'm really fighting him over what he did. Today is the day I will not cry. And every single day I fail at what I set out to do. Grrrrr!


BROtip #1293: You dont have to have sex to cheat. If you find yourself deleting texts, youre probably almost there.

Cheating is easy! Why dont you try something more challenging - like being faithful.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2013
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi There,
I can fully understand what you are feeling, you are not alone.It is 4 Months since my DDay. I had 18 yrs of this and was completely blown away when I found out. All I can say is that you need to know the answers otherwise you will never move forward.It doesn't matter that you are afraid of him feeling nagged he owe's you the answers and you deserve to know. Be brave and confront him with all your questions, what have you got to lose? be strong enough for the answers though as initially they do play the affair down and only tell you the bare minimum, It has taken me 4 Months to learn everything,That my WH was in this A for 18 yrs on and off, one time with a 4 yr break,it has been the same women and have not seen each other often ,I believe approx 12 times physical but much more phone contact.I still keep asking I think just to make sure that he is consistent with his answers.Don't let it drop or it will eat away at you. Hugs to you.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to know the answers to your questions, then he needs to step up and tell you. You deserve the truth, if you want to pursue the answers.

It's up to you.

If you feel as if you are nagging, you might want to re-frame that "nagging" label into something like this: you deserve to know what you are dealing with and you deserve the respect to have answers.

Every single day I wake and tell myself today is the day I put this behind me and stop thinking about it. Today I will be happy and not allow this to take over me anymore. Today is the day I wont fight him over dirty dishes when I'm really fighting him over what he did. Today is the day I will not cry. And every single day I fail at what I set out to do.
Set smaller goals for yourself. Maybe you're trying to do too much in one day, and you're not ready for that.

I almost want to do it right back so he knows how I feel, I want him to hurt physically because the pain in my chest is damn near explosive.
I know exactly how you feel--and it makes me glad I don't have any of those witchy powers you see on TV. Please let common sense lead you whenever you feel you might go down those roads. Having even a smidgeon of trust is a long way off for me but I try to do what I used to tell my students to do when they are upset (spec needs high school kiddos):
Practice slow breathing and quiet thinking. Then I'd give them examples and work with them on it. It's something I do for myself, too, these horrible days when even blinking is a trigger.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:42 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Prissy you said
"I want to call this off, but I'm not strong enough. I want to stay, but I'm not strong enough. I want to be normal and trust again, but I'm not strong enough."
I think you need to be less hard on yourself - it's not that you're not strong enough you're just conflicted just like so many of us & that isn't due to you - we have all had a belief in a M and a life that has been dramatically shattered and each of us in our own way is processing and trying the best we can to understand what is best for us and our families. It is so very very hard as we want answers and there is only emotion. Take some time away - have been thinking I need that head space myself...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All very good replies and sound advice for you prissy. So many have went through the same emotions and thoughts as you.

I did the same thing you did. It seemed when I kept coming back to this site my fears of what happened intensified. Mostly because I too didn't get the entire story. Some my fault for not going in sequence and mostly my WW's because she lied.

My WW eventually shut down and got mad after a few weeks of questions. Then, I got pissed and said to myself, fuck it, she owes me, fuck her feelings, I'm the hurting one. When I took that stance in my head, outwardly I was polite, but I demanded answers to all my questions. My WW just cam clean 2 days ago. 2 months after DDay #1.

The not knowing held me back from moving forward with accepting what happened and my healing to begin. After my wife came clean, I noticed a change in her too. Way more remorseful. I believe the lies and guilt held her back as well.

Write down what you want answered, take several days to compose your thoughts and questions. Try to get an in-law to watch your kids. Tell your WBF such and such night we are going to go over this and get the story and timeline out for good and start a plan for healing. I repeatedly told my WW that the truth will help me move forward. She wanted to move forward, but was so scared of the truth.

Good luck and stay true to yourself. Don't let this cause you to do something you will regret and will only derail the healing.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 5

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