My F (fiancé) proposed me on 4-July. At that time we have been going out for 2.5 years. We’ve had our issues in the past but he has always been the most loving and attentive person I have ever dated.
This was not the first time he cheated on me. The first time was earlier into the relationship when I found out he had a brief “rub and tug” encounter at a dodgy massage parlor whilst I was out of town for a week. We talked about it a lot and I found it within myself to forgive him and give the relationship another try. Since then we have both put it in the past and I never brought it up again or used to against him in any way.
Fast forward two years, with a shiny new ring on my finger, and a wedding day set, I find out that he cheated on me yet again. D-day was last Saturday (21 Sept) when I found some IM chat between my F and Ow. From the timestamps (May/June) it happened a month before he proposed to me. I was devastated to say the least. The contents of the chat were extremely explicit and there was no denying that something was going on. He was seeing her during his lunch hour and I know for a fact they kissed. I decided to confront him on the very same day.
At that time we had just had an argument earlier in the day about something unrelated and I was expecting him to drop by in couple of hours. I quietly packed all his stuff and waited for him to come over (he has his own place).
When he arrived, I didn’t get up to greet him. He came over and sat next to me on the couch. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes. I asked him if he wants to be with me, he said yes. I then said “Then why did you do something to ruin what we have, and our happily ever after”. I did not come straight out to tell him what I knew. He thought it was about the earlier argument I said no that wasn’t it. The guessing game went in circles for a while and he still did not come clean.
At one point we both found ourselves standing in the dining room area. I had not raised my voice, or said much at all at that point. His head was down and had a desperate look on face. I could tell he was questioning what I knew. At that point I calmly put my palm on his chest and said to him “I can feel your heart beating really fast. Deep down you know why your pulse is racing right now. You know what you did”. It was only then did her name come up. He confessed to seeing her.
She was an ex of more than 5 years ago. The affair lasted a month and he saw her 6 or 7 times during the course. He ended it with her before he proposed to me and according to him he ended it just before it was about to get physical. He said he could not bring himself to do it and ended it before anything happened. Since the day he ended it he has not contacted her at all, way before I found out.
We talked a bit more, he attempted to explain himself but I wasn’t interested to listen at that time. I told him the wedding is off and just asked him to leave. He left, head down, in tears.
From the moment he left I have been an unwilling passenger on what many forum members describe as the Roller Coaster from Hell. I laughed out loud when I read that term the first time. It was a perfect analogy of what I am going through right now. I’m crying one second, and totally numb the next. My heart is begging me to run back to him and giving him yet another chance, and yet my brain is screaming at me to not go back. I am totally lost and conflicted. I keep reminding myself “Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me”. I keep reading the messages again and again to hopefully find some strength.
Since that day he left, we haven’t seen each other but I have spoken to him on the phone a couple of times. He seems to be genuinely remorseful and he’s reached out and went for his first ever therapy session. Our phone conversations are good. He’s telling me things that he has never told me before in 2.5 years, and he’s actually doing stuff that I have been trying to get him to do for a really long time. I told him despite everything that happened, I still do love him. The difference is that before this I love him and I can picture a future together. That “future” is something that I cannot see at this point in time due to what happened.
I’m really torn. I know I am a weak person with a soft and forgiving heart. I know if I really wanted to I can dig deep and find it within myself to forgive him. Not just to forgive but to not hold grudges. But I’m terrified that he will abuse this softness in me yet again in future and do it again … and again. I do believe he is genuinely remorseful but I don’t know if this remorse is short lived. This is the second time he has cheated, when do I draw the line? Will I ever be able to draw the time? I know what I should do but actually doing it is another thing.
Till today I have not been able to tell my parents. I also wanted to sell off the engagement ring but haven’t been able to do so. To do either one just seems so final ….
All I can say now is … SIGHHH ….
And how can you build a strong marriage when there was already 2 OW involved in the relationship prior to the engagement? There will be constant doubt & worries on your part & that is not the way to begin a marriage.
Marriages & relationships are so damn hard as it is, why do they throw this crap on top of it all? I will never understand.
I am so sorry you are here but you have found a great place to be with great support.
I totally get what you are saying. I do know that I am lucky to have found out before I was legally married. Looking around the forums so many people have kids at stake and my heart truly goes out to them.
Yes I do want out of this relationship ... the one thing that is keeping me from doing so is that I am scared. I am not getting any younger. I am 33 this year and can count the single friends with one hand. All my friends are getting married / already married / with kids.
Previously I was single for almost 2 years and I hated that lifestyle. I hated going on dates, I hated having to go through the process again and again of getting to know someone.
And now with all the emotional baggage I carry with me, I am scared that my new relationship is doomed before it even starts.
If he isn't faithful whilst single or engaged, marriage isn't going to cure him. May not be what you want to hear but you need to cut this man out of your life.
33? Years ahead of you- rather single and happy than married and miserable.
Not this man, Conflicted.
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
Yes I do want out of this relationship ... the one thing that is keeping me from doing so is that I am scared.
Previously I was single for almost 2 years and I hated that lifestyle.
I ask you this, which was worse, being single or how you feel knowing he betrayed you? The betrayal will never go away. But if you're single the opportunity for something better is always there.
My fiance cheated on me before and while we were engaged. I didn't find out until AFTER we were married. All of "our" friends in that circle knew and never told me. Their reason? They wanted to keep the group intact -- with the OW.
Fast forward 16 years from the cheat, 12 from me finding out: He has done it again! It doesn't stop. I now have a child of my own to think about, which makes this VERY HARD, because I don't know how to move forward this time. If he had done this before my daughter was born I would have been gone! Now for her sake I feel like I have to exhaust every option before throwing in the towel. Do I want to? HELL NO! My daughter is the ONLY reason I'm not kicking myself for leaving when I found out the first time. I just didn't want to be divorced so soon after the marriage. You've been given the gift of finding out before walking down the aisle with someone that obviously doesn't think of anyone but himself.
I know you are torn. My WH was remorseful, too, but if someone can cheat on you during the happiest time in a relationship -- the beginning -- what will they do when the pressures of real life and marriage (bills, kids, etc.) start weighing on them? I know what mine did.
You are only 33. I was 39 when my daughter was born. Find someone who will cherish you and your relationship. Someone who will put a ring on your finger and have it mean something. Please?? You deserve so much more than this!
I am so sorry you are going through this. It hits home for me, because I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Save yourself years of heartache and get out now. I wish I could have, yes we are working on things now but it has destroyed me in so many ways.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
the one thing that is keeping me from doing so is that I am scared. I am not getting any younger. I am 33 this year and can count the single friends with one hand
The time you waste staying with this guy is time taken away from finding somebody who will love, cherish and respect you.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
He came prepared with a list of items.
Prior to this I had already asked for phone records and emails passwords. So most of the stuff that came out I already knew with some additional items here and there. He even confessed to some of the details he lied about in the initial "confession". He answered every stupid question I threw at him.
The whole time he was talking I was looking through his cell phone. I found OW's name in whatsapp (IM) and dropped her a message from his phone. She replied something like "Wow .. didn't expect to hear from you again after a long silence".
At the very least I gain some emotional closure that he did in fact end the relationship and they are no longer in contact.
He has agreed to all the boundaries I set most of which are ideas from this forum. I did set a new one though - whenever we are together I get to hold his phone. Or if he has the phone and someone calls/SMSs he has to pass me the phone first without even looking at the screen.
We are not back together but somehow having him come over to my place and "suffer" with me helps me heal in some twisted sadistic way. At least then I won't be driving myself crazy with thoughts on where he's at or who he's with.
It's up to you how you live it though....being available to find someone who is honest, loving and true or staying with someone that you will need to take his phone every day to see whether or not he's cheating.....
Life is short and you deserve so much more than this guy.
Please. Get to an IC and start talking. You have a lot of betrayal to try to heal from and, no matter if you try doing that healing with him or without him, you owe it to YOURSELF to do it. Carrying this type of baggage around from this point forward is not healthy and will not help you, him, or any other person that you might link up with in the future.
Here's the deal. On the one hand, you are young enough to walk away, get yourself some help with an IC to learn what you need to learn from this rat-puck situation, and be open to the good that the universe has for you. Seek someone who may be and probably is flawed, but who is also seeking the things that you are and is wants to create a whole life with you. Or, you can see if your F is willing and able to do the work that needs to be done, dedicate himself to it, and then, in this process, see if it is enough for you, if you still want to walk this path with him OR if he wants this path with you.
One of the most soul-shocking things that my MC and I discussed with my FWH was this.
Say that everyone does the work. MC & IC, get to the root of their troubles, their brokenness, and heals. Becomes the person that they were meant to be. And then one day I turn to FWH and say, I see the work that you've done. You've become a whole and complete man. But I can't forgive you for what you've done OR I don't like the man you've become, I don't love you, and I'm leaving you. And vice versa he has the same epiphany about me.
You and he could put all of that time, anguish, and work into becoming the people you should be. And it still could be a deal breaker for either of you. And more time passes while you decide at that point to split up.
Think carefully, with your mind and not your heart or your fears. This is YOUR life that you're talking about. You don't get a do-over. You don't get a practice run. This is it. Use your years wisely. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
In hindsight I would tell the 24 year old me who found out her fiance cheated on her to run and not look back. Being single is so much better than living in doubt and distrust.
You will be fine. You deserve someone who loves you and only you, and who will NOT cheat. That person exists, somewhere.
XOXO and I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I was there, and I know how hard it is.
DD#1 2/23/13, online EA. Claimed NC but A continued until 3/20/13 when OW called it off. DD#2 4/4/13.
DD #3 9/21/13 2nd EA (with employee). He leaves.
You find yourself in a terrible crappy situation that no one wants to be in. There is one positive though is that you found out the crappy situation in before you got married and/or had kids together. Obviously I can't make the decision of where you go from here, but if you do decide to end things you do not have to worry about divorce.
In regards to your age, I do not think you are too old to begin again. I am in a similar situation, I am 34 years old. I though have been married for two years. My wife had her first EA (that I know of) within a month of us being married. She might have had two right then, or the 'second' may have been while we were still engaged. If I could go back knowing what I know now I would never have married her. But as it stands now I have been 'married' for two years and still consider myself lucky that 'all' I have to decide on is a divorce, not how to split up kids or anything of that sort.
I do not think that at the age of 34 though that I'm too old to start anew and to enjoy my youth still. I do think that my chances of having children of my own are slightly diminished and that stinks a bit, but it doesn't mean that they are gone altogether. Besides I have friends/family that are slightly older than me and their lives aren't any less fulfilling than mine.
You need to make the decision that is right for you. Don't let yourself think that you are too old though, and do not take your fiance back if he does not go through counseling and provide total transparency. I'm a good example of what happens when you don't.
As bad as it is now, just imagine what it would be like being tied to him with a mortgage and children.
You're young enough to start over, and even if you decide not to enter into another relationship, that's ok too.
I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is (financially, emotionally, legally) to unwind yourself from another person after decade(s) with a cheater.
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced
God does for us what we are unable to do for ourselves!
Take the gift he has given you- though painful- you will thank Him in the end.